So it would be safe to say that i am going to be looking for another job. I have been thinking about getting out of covington for the past couple of years, but i always talk myself into staying. Its stable, i have friends there, tenure, and i really do love the kids and some of the families that i have had, and it was my call, my choice to be there. But each year it gets worse. And i keep going back thinking: "it will be better this year, we went through the ringer last year and were scrutinized beyond belief, so how could it get worse." But it does and it has! I know, its unbelievable. There is no longer any fight left in me because i have no say in what i teach or HOW i teach it. I have very strong beliefs about the development of a child and most things i am made to do in my classroom goes against my feelings and beliefs about what is developmentally appropriate. It used to be a program i would want my children to be apart of, but at this point i would do anything in my power so my children would not have to go there, and that is a sad day when you wouldnt even want your own children in the school you teach in. Then you know there is something wrong. Unfortunately, administrators in my district have not a clue what is appropriate for 5 year olds. There is no reason for kindergarten children to have to write in 4 or 5 learning logs a day. That then becomes all they do and they are missing out on the hands on education they need at this stage in their life, their is no reason that 5 yr old children need to sit in a chair and look at a presentation book and repeat sounds over and over for an hour. That is not fun and there is a much better way to teach that content. Anyway, I have been resistant, but we adapt and do what we have to do, because it is what the district wants to see. Not to mention the countless other demands they have put on us. I have to adhere to a program for writing, behavior, math, and reading. But we do it, because we have to and we continue to try to make it fun and entertaining in any way we can. Unfortunately, we have been labeled "resistant" by administrators (which i just found out). This year has been especially difficult, we have over 1/3 of our kindergarten already identified with special needs and the children who have never been to school are way behind. They dont know how to count or even hold a pencil, most dont even know what their name looks like. We also gained a full 17 more staff members due to a school closing in our district. We are trying to work together, but they have their own way of doing things, which makes sense. We have been trying to plan together with our new kdg. team member( by the request of our principal, because someone complained we were not sharing ideas). Unfortunately, we plan and think we are all on the same page and then we find out the next week that she is not doing what we are, she is doing her own thing. So we get into trouble because we "are not planning together and are alienating her" which i dont get because we did plan together! Anyway...................we have a team meeting every wednesday and this week, both principals and the instructional coach were in with us talking about what our work should look like, but unfortunately it became a pick session. Our principal decided he would spotlight what our new team member is doing and basically tell the rest of us that we are crap and we suck in so many brash words. he continued to say that only two of us were stars and by name he told the rest of us we were not and our children were suffering. He continued to degrade us in front of others and continued to let our new team member go on and on about what she does and praise how wonderful she is. The crazy thing is: he hasnt been in my classroom once this year, and i can count on one hand how many times he has been in my room in the last 7 years i have been there and it has never been longer than 10 minutes at most. So my question to him was: How do you know when you havent spent any time in my classroom? How do you judge someone so irrationally? Just by looking at us? Angie and I were floored, we have been there the longest and have been working together and stressing about what we are doing for years and he has never given us anything but praise. He usually does not involve himself in any of our matters and most times just stays away from kindergarten because we are not an accountability grade. So i sit hurt and confused. I know i am good at what i do, parents always come to me amazed at the end of the year at what their child knows and what they can do. I have never had a first grade teacher come and tell me that my class isnt ready for first grade.
The horrible thing is that he so rudely tells me i am worth nothing as a teacher and it is unacceptable, when this year has been the hardest. We have a new curriculum with very high expectations. We have to create everything from scratch and make a notebook with high level thinking for every subject area. We have had to adjust our schedule to fit all of the content in, all the while we are dealing with children who arent ready to write or read yet, they cant even hold a pencil or form a letter. I have been there late nights and weekends working my ass off trying to give them what they expect and make it worthwhile for my children. It is all i think about most nights and when livi goes to bed, i am back on the computer looking up curriculum or thinking about my to do list that never seems to get accomplished because i have meetings every planning time i get (because for some reason they think that we will not be responsible enough to use our planning time to plan, so they take it all and sit us in meetings about who knows what!)
So hearing my principal degrade me for no reason, and then talk to us about being unprofessional because others just happened to find out what happened in our meeting, just blows my mind! and dont worry we had words! It doesnt really help, i expressed myself, but it doesnt take back what he did and he did not apologize for being out of line and unprofessional. It completely astounds me, i sacrafice alot to work at night and on weekends, my life is wrapped around this stupid school and he just told me that i suck and i dont work hard like other people. Do you think he is there at night or on weekends? Nope! He sits in his office all day.
And who does that to an 8 month pregnant woman! I wanted to ask him what his intentions were, because they were obviously not to build us up as a team or encourage us to do better. He beheaded us in front of a crowd.
Unfortunately, within the last few weeks, four different teachers have said to me that they will not be back next year and they are miserable and find all of this ridiculous. And it is comforting to know that i was not the only one reduced to tears this week. But the teachers who are saying this are good teachers, who are there for the kids, and have been working there for years.
Needless to say i would rather not return after my maternity leave. I am going to be looking for another job this year, I cant keep living and working this way. I hate it, and i used to love my job! So if i am still there next year, someone smack me! I dont know what to do, i dont think i will be able to devote as much time and energy when jackson comes, i will have an infant and a 2 yr old to go home to, and that is overwhelming enough to think about in itself! I may have a nervous breakdown! I wonder if disability covers that........................hhhmmmmm........................ :)
I dont know what God is doing here, and i havent really asked, i have been a little caught up and busy. What i do know is that this has been the toughest school year start ever (and the no sleep, big and fat thing doesnt help much) and i was praying like crazy this summer that it would be an easy year considering my new challenges at home! Why does God think i can handle all this!
I do know one thing, God put peace in my heart and a song on my lips all week. All the stress, and emotion and anger, when i thought of him i knew i was ok and my confidence may have been shattered, but he reminds me of my call. His call to me: that i am his masterpiece and what i do is not in vain, but for my kindergarten children and they love me and they ARE learning. These trials and this fight will just make me stronger (or kill me!) and i will learn and be better for it, for whatever reason, i have to keep going, i cannot give up on my children. I'm not a quitter, so much so that it is annoying, i'm sooooo stubborn! :) love it or leave it, here i am.
And i find myself looking again at my issue with men. But i dont know if it is actually an issue with men, i dont think it is men that i despise, I think it is authority figures. I cant stand men in positions of authority that take advantage of the authority. So men, if you are in authority, think of your sister, mother, daughter or wife when you speak to a woman and how she would want to be treated or spoke to or how you would want someone to treat her. Let that be your guide. UGH!
Why have i known so many men who have taken advantage of their authority and hurt others? Why, since i was a little girl, have i been so insistent that i am equal and just as strong or smart as any man? I know several men which i have scared or intimidated because i have not been scared or intimidated by them. Do i have a complex? :)
Well, i have written many words, and like i said, i have been beaten and bruised, but i refuse to stay there, but i may need your help getting up off the ground! :)
