Glory Days

Summer lovin............

2011-07-26T22:35:00.003-04:00

I can't believe it is almost to an end..........I don't even know where it went............my summer came and went AGAIN!

In the summer I usually take on a house project, because I never get to them during the school year. In fact, not much of anything gets done during the school year! School and my precious little kiddos, pretty much consume my life. BUT SUMMER...........ahhhh summer..............Summer is different. A time of no worries, late nights, naps and playing outside in the heat of the day, no plans, and housework. I love summer! This summer I had two goals: 1: Lose 10 pounds (and find a way to do that) 2: Makeover my backyard...................

Goal #1: Progress:
After four weeks of bootcamp and a nutrition plan, I went from teetering on the line of obesity in my bodyfat percentage to being fit.............going from 37 percent bodyfat to 28 percent. And I also lost 9 lbs ( on a good day, in the morning, of course, but that still counts!) ! Of course I had gained a few pounds before I started bootcamp so I have to adjust my goal................I have 3 more lbs to go to reach my summer goal! This is exciting to me, I can definitely see and feel a change that makes me want to continue this journey. It makes it alot easier too when I have sisters to help me along the way! Thanks Carol and Cheryl!

Goal #2: Progress:
As of last week the final brick was laid on our new back patio and the transformation is complete! It took all summer, lots of sweat and tears on my part, and alot of love, help and hard work from my friends and family to complete my backyard makeover. ( Now only if we could get the bugs to go away! ha!) The kids and I spend endless hours out there eating, splashing and playing. Now that it is finished it is a safe and beautiful place to be! You should come over and hang out some time!

Of course this summer I did try to get ahead by doing some home repairs too, all of which I feel pretty good about!

And i can't believe that summer is over! Next week marks the beginning of the school year for me..................I pray that its better than the past two!

Life lessons from a children's book.............

2011-06-21T23:29:00.002-04:00

Livi has a book named "Under the Big Sky"
It's about a grandpa that promises his grandson his riches if he can find and bring back the secret of life. (This book is a little over her head :), but she still loves to have it read to her!)
So the grandson sets out to find the secret of life and the grandfather tells him it is under the big blue sky and the grandson asks everything he sees.......No one seemed to know the secret of life but......here is some of the advice he got while searching..................

From the car: "No matter how many miles you travel, you should always remember where you came from."

From the tree: " Always make certain your roots are firmly planted in the ground, because the winds of change will try to knock you down."

From the farmer: " Think of it as a seed. Plant the seed and tend it. Soon it will grow and in no time, you will reap the harvest."

From the ladder: " The more you climb, the higher you get and the higher you get, the harder you fall. So always make sure of your footing as you climb."

From the sea: " Think of yourself as an ocean and think of the frustrating things that happen to you as waves. They will pass."

From the tortoise: " Take your time."

From the bed: " Take a break. A little rest never harmed anyone."

From the fence: " Each post means nothing until it is joined to make a long, winding fence. A fence that goes all over the place but stays together."

The grandson returns after years of jouneying and defeated tells his grandfather that he has not found the secret to life. To which his grandfather replies: Your journey itself was the secret of life. Now all my riches are your riches. And the grandson replies, "Where will i find your riches?"
The grandfather tells him: "Under the big sky............."

How it made me think about my journey in life and all of the riches God has given me under the big sky....................... hhhhmmmmmmmmmmm

My oh so amazing Olivia

2011-04-11T22:59:00.003-04:00

We were driving in the car a while back and livi was talkative...............

She was looking out the window and commenting on lots of things she saw..............
I was talking about going to exercise and she told me that she saw an exercise place that had statues with only bodies, but they didn't have big bellies, so Livi told me, "Only people without big bellies can go there." I laughed out loud!

Minutes later...........we were driving and she started talking about "standers, where there are flowers" I was confused so I kept asking her what she was talking about........she kept saying, " you know mommy, the standers where people didnt get married and they cry and there's flowers there." I was even more confused. Just then we passed a cemetery and livi shouts, "there they are mommy, the standers!" OH, the gravestones, where there are flowers!! Then I explained that people don't get married there, they get buried there when their bodies die, their bodies are buried there. She then said, "I know mommy, like Jesus was buried, but Mary cried and he moved the big rock. See there is mary on the stander!" Then I saw Mary on a gravestone and everything came together! I was astonished of how she tried to put it all together!

Life and things that mimic it..............

2011-03-12T22:23:00.003-05:00

You know it's bad when you look forward to a TV show all week........................when you stay up late to watch it and go to sleep thinking about it.............
I think it is my escape, I don't have to think about anything, but just sit and watch someone else mimic a life that is far different than mine...................
I wish I was a better person, a person that could say all I need is what I have and God fulfills me more than food, TV or selfishness.............but that is an untruth
Life is hard and though I hit it head on each day, I grow weary, very weary
I find that I am a magnet for crazies....................apparently all of the "difficult" or "needy" children end up in my classroom......
I actually had a school psychologist take pity on me, overdosing me with compliments and pity and told me to enjoy my break because he was sure I needed it!
Though I have always had a special place in my heart for "needy" children, the red tape is much more difficult to work through, the meetings and paperwork abound.............and i'm still just learning a new grade level with a not so helpful team of teachers at my level....................so having a class full of great needs from academic, autism, adhd and severe behavior issues is constant work not just in the classroom (which is exhausting enough) but out of the classroom................and truly I think it's only fair if I get more pay, because I am having to put in so much more work and hours than others.....................no offense, but the other two teachers on my team have 0 special need kiddos and I have 8..............not including the kiddos who just need extra attention because they are teetering on the edge of falling behind who I'm keeping an eye on....................which means at least 16
data graphs and testing I have to keep up with twice a week..........special ed meetings, evaluations, paperwork, and differentiating my lessons so that not only my on and above grade level kiddos get the content that I am teaching but my 4 kiddos that cant read and are measured on a kindergarten level have access to learning the content also, and that I present it and check all of my kiddos learning in several different ways to meet all of their different learning styles and plan to teach at least 5 subjects a day..........with little to no help from the other teachers with materials or planning........and that is just the half of it.......bbaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh........................
ok now i'm just venting
The wonderful thing is my administrators love me and support me and I feel like I can go to them with anything................
So anyway, I find myself utterly exhausted and impatient......................When I get home to my kiddos I do my best to hold it together and give them their deserved attention until bedtime.............................its go go go go go
This is everyday...............
I am so lucky, yet with my house falling apart around me, our finances a struggle, teaching and being a mother full time, and living with my busy, dreamer husband who's always looking out for the good of the community, i get weary...........
I feel like i constantly complain, and i hate that...................i feel constantly out of whack and tired..........and i hate that.........
i start to hate alot lately..........and desperately want to live my dream
I think I'm ready to move far away and start a new life.............
or maybe I'll just mimic life and see how far that gets me ........ ;)

A few things learned in NYC

2011-01-18T21:53:00.003-05:00

1. If I lived in New York City I would be skinny! I think we walked 3 miles a day, more than we rode and despite the cold, enjoyed every minute of being in the mix of the giant sculptures they call buildings.

2. My husband's wallet has no end when he wants to spoil me...................I was not denied anything on our short vacation......... (although we might pay for that later..............we will be eating lots of pb&j sandwiches for the next few months..............

3. I can honestly say if i lived there i would be broke all the time. The shopping opportunities and diverse food available would call to me constantly.........though i'm a bargain hunter at heart........i'm already craving new shoes and of course the ones that draw me in are the expensive ones!!!

4. I can now navigate midtown like a pro!! My human GPS kicked in midday on the first day we were there. A lady even pulled over and asked me directions and I was able to point her in the right direction.

5. A car horn has another meaning in New York and cab drivers really just play bumper cars................i would never want to drive a car through the city!

6. We got to experience the NBC studio tour and saw and touched the SNL studio!! We decided we wanted to apply to be pages, but then decided we didnt really want to live there with the kids!

7. I cant wait to go back! Anybody wanna come with....?

Our Christmas Spirit........

2010-12-20T22:21:00.003-05:00

My crazy family in all our glory.............. :)

Where is your Christmas Spirit...........

2010-12-05T22:32:00.005-05:00

Growing up is hard on the Christmas spirit................
As an adult, Christmas loses its magical quality ..........there were years when we didnt even put up christmas decorations ............
I never have liked Christmas music and loathed the fact that radio stations would play for a month on end!
Then.................
I had kids................. and even though my kids are still very young, the Christmas magic is back!
I love Christmas music because it sets my magical mood, i love to drive around and look at christmas lights because livi gets such a joy at looking at all the decorations too!
And even though Jack constantly tries to pull down the Christmas tree, I'm glad that we have it, and livi and I marvel at it as we recount each ornament that we hung together and as she shows off the ones that she has made over her short life of 3 years.
I even have wanted to buy Christmas decorations (most of my decorations are hand my downs)
Needless to say I wish to stretch out this Christmas season!

I also use the Christmas season as an excuse.......... :0

"Tis the Season" is my excuse for almost every decision I have made
For example: I have eaten any and everything I want.............and I've gained a few pounds, so I dont focus on it or feel bad about it, I just tell myself: "Tis the Season!"

This is the first time ever that we don't have ANY extra money, (month to month is so tight we usually have to decide on which bills to pay and which can wait) so I have applied for a credit card (MY FIRST ONE!) to use for Christmas presents...........my excuse is "Tis the Season!"

Giving to families in need, when I don't have the money myself............ "Tis the Season!"

Being lazy around the house, while it's cold and snowy outside.............."Tis the Season!"

Missing spending time with friends.................."Tis the Season!"

Cranky kids because of a crazy schedule..............."Tis the Season!"

Keeping my mouth shut when crazy people get in my way............"Tis the Season!"

What is the real answer? What is this season truly for?? Tis the Season for.........................????

I'm very excited to celebrate this season.............

I have a great desire to go to all the christmas pageants and performances and special events that I can.................
I want to explore this season, celebrate it, revel in it, reflect on it and truly experience it..................
Because if there is one thing that i know ..............is life is too short not to experience it.................and I dont want to miss a second, I want to live in each moment, experience each moment, and learn from each moment...........

So many times i feel like I'm missing out on life and I'm just surviving day to day because how utterly and completely busy our life is........so I am going to take full advantage of my holiday to sit back, relax and soak up each day, whatever that may bring.......

All I want for Christmas.................
is to bask in the glory of the view from the mountaintop, the climb has been grueling

I feel like life has been handing me challenge after challenge...........not enough to drown me or overwhelm long..........but just enough for me to feel like i am constantly treading water, trying to keep my head from going under...........
I was not prepared for this...........although I'm not sure what I truly expected from life
The older I get the more dissatisfied I become with where I am in life and how I alot my time ..................i think now, that life is too short to waste time ...............i hate to waste time

So this Holiday Season, I will be immersed in each moment.............and I hope you are able to join me in some of those moments because I would love to share them with you! :)

Elaboration

2010-09-18T21:07:00.002-04:00

I love my family too much to watch it fail.................
yet I know I cant live like this much longer..........
what do you do when you have said all there is to say and still nothing changes............
I cant sit and watch someone kill themselves for something that might not even matter..........
I have trouble believing God would want it this way..................
Why would God want us to kill ourselves working with no results or nothing to show for it, with no help or community of support to hold us if we fall....................
I really dont like life.................i never wanted it to be this way
I cant live like this without someone eventually having to put me in the looney bin someday
I miss living............... i really do.................

secrets and thoughts

2010-09-12T21:08:00.004-04:00

Right now I'm avoiding working on this weeks lesson plans. A task I work on any free time I have. (free time, what's that?)
I am already close to burning out because I am constantly working.

I sometimes wish I could quit everything and drive until land runs out.

Most days I wish I had a normal family life. You know, a job and a husband that works 9-5 and a family that spends evenings and weekends together. And if we went to church or volunteered for an organization we would not be leading it. I long to be just a helper, why do we have to create and lead all the time.

I want to be healthy. I want my kids to be healthy. I desperately want my husband to be healthy.

I am jealous of friends whose main job is taking care of their family and home. I know I know, jealousy is not a good thing.

I hate the term "full time mom" , to me it insinuates that I am a part time mom.

I feel inadequate when other moms talk about the activities they do with their kids. I come home, prepare dinner, clean it up, talk to my kids, play, bathe my kids and put them to bed. Unfortunately, at this time in my life, this is all i'm allowed during the week.

If i stayed home with my kids, i would have lots more babies. :) So it might be good for my husband that i am not.

I am in the most debt i have ever been in and i dont have a credit card. We have never had money troubles until now. I cant figure out what changed. Right now I have 0 dollars in savings, spending most of it on classroom things for my new third grade room and students. I currently owe my daughter 1300 dollars and my husband 200. I can no longer keep up with my bills, so some of our frills are soon being cut: cable, cell phones, etc. The thing is, we both work more than 40 hours a week easily, constantly. But we both make next to nothing for all the effort and work we do. We live in a frustrated state most days. I have honestly no idea how to fix it.

I am secretly praying for a new opportunity for my husband. Something that allows him to do what he loves and better support his family............financially, spiritually, mentally

My old house (which i love) sucks energy, is broken down and our mortgage payment has gone up almost 500 dollars in three years................ my husband wants to sell it and move into an apartment, I entertain the thought, but get extremely sad

I miss my covington coworkers, but i love having a say in what and how i teach.................i am appreciated and respected as a professional here........and supported by administrators............they think i'm wonderful............and i think they are too!! I like working for women (being detailed oriented creatures), but not with them...........(too much drama, you have to tiptoe around women, someone gives a weird look and you are blacklisted).......hhhhmmmmm...................i do miss my Dave....

i love my children and think about them every minute of the day

i havent exercised in about two months.............

I still love cars

i try to find reasons to be happy in the mornings, even if it is just singing along to the songs on the radio..........

I remember being a teenager and all the insecurities I had...................i can't imagine being a teen now, with the internet and all the ways you can get in trouble..............boy that makes me sound old........... :)

I remember being the teens that grownups rolled there eyes at while behind the wheel, the only difference is we knew we were living on borrowed time with a borrowed car......................no one bought or gave us a car when we turned sixteen...............

I have no time to think, just do................so dont blame me for my actions (if only)

The older i get the more i appreciate the change of seasons, and want to decorate for them............... i never had any interest in any of that stuff before....................

I miss my friends, especially the far away ones,

I tell myself every night i will go to bed early, every night i go to bed late

I have started to sleep diagonally

i do all of the projects around the house, or call my grandpa

Life is sometimes like living in a museum of your past mistakes...........

My fantasies as a teenager consisted of living on the beach, marrying a teacher, and being a trophy wife/stay at home mom...........none of which fits my personality............hhmmmmmm

Lastly, I AM tough as nails with a heart of mush..........explain that!?

Time to hit the ground running...............

2010-08-01T21:45:00.002-04:00

Today is the first day of August...................Time to hit the ground running..........
Everyone knows that when August hits, the whole US starts thinking about going back to school..............When August hits, my summer is officially over!
This year it is extremely bittersweet..............i will not be returning to covington schools, where my teaching career and calling started, I am starting a new journey working for Kenton county Schools at Ft. Wright Elementary.
I spent more than 1/2 of my summer applying, emailing, calling, trying to find another opportunity, Then I finally gave it up and decided i did all i could do, there was no reason to worry anymore, I let it go and decided whatever will be will be and I will get through and be stronger for it.
Then i got called in for one interview. The interview lasted about 20 minutes, as the principal had interviews lined up every 30 minutes. I felt like the interview was so so. It went quick, I didnt get to say everything i wanted to say, or explain well, because i never got over my nerves...................
So I expected nothing from the interview and was just thankful for the experience or practice interview........................A few days later i got a phone call from the principal offering me the job. I fully prepared my........." i understand" and to be let down easy, but instead she offered me the job...............to which my reply was, "really?!" She said, " Are you surprised?" And I said, " Well, yes , sort of!" So of course...........i accepted the position.............
I was really hoping that a position would open up in norwood............but unfortunately that wasnt the case................but i'm super excited for this new opportunity and already can tell my new school is going to be a better fit for me and my teaching and learning philosophy than covington
It is truly bittersweet though...............tonight as i was going through my school stuff ( that takes up 1/3 of my basement) i noticed how much time and money i have invested in my kindergarten class................ six years doesnt sound like a long time, but in teacher years, its forever! I created alot of the materials, games, and activities for my classroom..............each one packed away. I was looking through all of my stuff, trying to decide what to take to my new classroom, and getting nostalgic...................i have so much stuff, it makes me a little sad to see it all sit in my basement and not be used by little fingers..............................although there are some things i can use in the third grade, but not a ton..................years and years of materials, just sitting, years and years of work, just sitting.......................although i'm excited for the new opportunity of teaching third grade, i'm a little sad of all my created materials going unused..............though i'm not quite ready to give them up either.......................
So for me this is starting over...............a new classroom, a new grade, a new school, a new experience.....................
It seems that life never slows down for this momma..............something new every year, its amazing how much more at peace i am about this change though!
I wish i could say that about the rest of the changes around here................ :)

Livi's last dance class

2010-07-20T22:39:00.003-04:00

I will be saving a few hundred dollars this year.............

2010-07-20T21:49:00.003-04:00

Livi's last summer dance class was today. And today was the day that the parents and grandparents and anyone else could come and watch. Their day to show off. There are only 5 or 6 girls in livi's dance class, ranging in ages 3-5. Olivia is the biggest one, yet one of the youngest. As I watched, I bit my tongue, trying not to yank her off the dance floor or embarrass her completely. I watched as she struggled with following along and she ended up following some parts, being completely off task sometimes, and just jumping around and playing or pretending to fall down. As you know, my child loves an audience, so I asked her dance teacher if she is always like this...............to which she replied.........yes..........she proceeded to tell me that she thinks olivia's hyperactivity and inability to focus is due to her frustration. She feels that olivia has alot of trouble with her coordination and limberness because she is so big for her age and she grows so quickly. She recommended that we take a break and not continue with dance through the year, and if livi wants to come back, to try again when she is a bit older. Her teacher was very sincere and wanted dance to be enjoyable and fun for her, but she felt that her frustration over not being able to follow along was leading to her "hyperactive" behavior.
This was very tough for me. Not that I necessarily want olivia to be an incredible dancer, but that my little girl was different than the rest of the girls. That, she is big and uncoordinated, she was becoming a behavior problem. It is hard to hear that your child cant do something or has an issue................makes me feel horrible as a mother. It's eye opening, it makes me worry, and it makes me scared that she will feel uncoordinated and unconfident down the road. I only want the best for her.............to find out what makes her happy, what makes her feel confident.......................and i'm hoping the "hyperactivity" is just a phase.................

So the thing about church is...........

2010-07-18T14:04:00.003-04:00

If you read this blog, you are probably quite aware of my issues with churches and/or leadership. It takes me a devastatingly long time to become familiar and comfortable anywhere in a church or with anyone who claims to be part of the church or in leadership. But over the past couple of years, I feel that I personally have made quite a bit of progress. Now this is probably not noticeable progress to most, but its my insides: thought processes, perspective, etc. In fact one of the reasons we went to grace is because we were tired of the church game and it seemed like an authentic place with authentic leaders who jimi could work beside confidently and sit under without hesitation.
I am not into games, i am not into drama, i am not into performances or traditionalism or legalism or methodology or formalities or rules or evangelism (just that word gives me a yucky taste in my mouth)............ you get the picture. Too many times i have gone to churches and exclaimed that i have given up on christians and church altogether because all i saw was people dressed up with smiles on their faces singing pretty songs, praying christian words, listening to nice sermons, keeping things very surface and going home to their real lives. Church has been something you do on sundays, somewhere you go when you want to become a better person, somewhere where people only speak to your husband, somewhere you are snubbed if you dont look or act like you "should".
I am looking for something real............authentic lives that reflect the gospel of true love...........................
uhoh, i just realized..................here is where my thoughts run out and my emotion takes over.................you can tell because this is where the dot, dot dots start.................
I know that it is plain wrong for me to give up on church. I know that church is essentially good...............it has good intentions, and wherever you have people you will have problems............. ( a little thing i learned from my dad, who has been loyal to the same church since i was a child)
I know that people are what make up the church................not the building, programs, traditions, PASTOR, etc. ..............but how come all of those things so often stand in the way of authentic lives that reflect the gospel of true love.......................????

WIth that said, I am well aware that some people need to go to church for the rules and tradition and like churchy songs and a nice sermon with a template or tool in the bulletin to help people invite someone to church or evangelize (ppuwhh)...............you may need someone who stands up and puts on a show, uses big God words and seems like a "professional"...............................and that is fine, if that is what you like about church, if that helps you grow then that is terrific (really, i'm not being sarcastic)..................................
But that, my friends, is not me. I'm not into churchy traditions and doing things just because. ................ If you see me at church, I may not know how to act towards you, i may not talk to you, i may be skeptical, i may really think about the things being said, and i may have some big opinions that i will most often keep to myself unless asked, i may not go up to you and start a deep conversation, its not because i dont like you or dont want to...................it is most likely, i will not be comfortable there.............................but
come into my home, and i will have conversations with you about life things, i will pray with you and listen when you want to share something, i will feed you and get you a blanket and try to make you comfortable, my children will run around and all my guards will be down, I may not be dressed up (usually sweats and no makeup) and my whole life will be laid out before you ( my house will probably be unclean, but you can witness my artistry in all i do to decorate and redecorate to make it feel like home..............................here i am real, authentic, and unafraid................................why cant church be more like that? like home.............??? Maybe i need a small group?? :)
So this is me in search of a more authentic life of love..................hoping to find it within myself and radiate jesus' love through my life.............................
so my realization................church is important and needed...............and if you dont think so you may be missing something..............dont lay it aside because you have had a bad experience there..................as it is so easy to do...............but journey through, and come out stronger ........................i now know that church will be church, it will be messy sometimes, it will be fake sometimes, it will be great sometimes, it will act like a community sometimes, it will reflect jesus sometimes, it will not meet my expectations sometimes.......................and either way the church goes, i want to be found faithful and real and authentic always.....................and radiate the gospel of true love..................in my life...........................................................

the end..............

Potty time

2010-04-24T22:53:00.004-04:00

We were at a restaurant eating lunch this afternoon, Livi decided she had to use the restroom. We were in a stall in a small restroom when livi declares that she has to poop. So i'm standing there and she says, "Mommy, my poop is spicy!" To which i replied, "WHAT!?" and she repeated herself, "my poop, its spicy!" I said, "Livi, what do you mean?" She said, " It's spicy, its burning my butt!" To which I just died laughing! I was feeling sorry for the person in the next stall and wondered what they were thinking!

Snow Day!

2010-02-10T21:43:00.001-05:00

What if.............

2010-01-22T22:46:00.003-05:00

What if i looked back on my 30 years.................
What would i see? what would i remember?
What if i could only remember the good, because mostly i only remember the bad..................
what if i in 2010 my heart would heal and i could finally let go of all the hurt and anger i have stored up in my soul for so long....
what if i was a real soul sister, what if my love for people flowed freely............
what if i learned what love really meant...........................................
what if the hurt had never happened, who would i be..........................for each experience made me.................
what if i slowed down and soaked it up, life that is................what if i was able to think about each action and reaction..........
what if i was able to pray more..............
what if a new job fell in my lap........................what if i made the leap of leaving my current job.............
what if i never went into teaching...........................
what if i followed my heart...........................
what if i did what i want to do instead of what i hate.................
what if i had never met my life long friends..............where would i be, without them i would be nothing..........
what if i had a sounding board................
what if my husband slept in the same bed at the same time as me......................
what if i found confidence................
what if i saw myself for who God made me to be..................
what if i didnt have body image issues...................
what if i poured my heart into every minute, every day......................
what if i got enough sleep at night..........
what if i wasnt busy every second of the day....................
what if my heart wasnt numb.................what if God put his hopes and dreams at my finger tips again, what if his power ran through my veins again...................
what if my heart beat for his people again...................
what if i believed that he loved me, and what if i really knew what that meant.........................
what if i knew exactly who i was again........................what if everything was black and white.................
what if someone believed in me......................
what could i then be, what could i then do............
what if....................................

Celebrating.......my beautiful babies.......

2009-12-18T10:48:00.002-05:00

Mommas and Pappas

2009-11-28T13:16:00.003-05:00

How come a newborn can stir up so many emotions and thoughts, yet it seems that they have only a few themselves: hungry, happy, unhappy, tired oh and gasy. Maybe the mommy is supposed to make up for all they lack, yeah, maybe that's it. It's funny how the birth of a new baby makes you think about your life in a new way. I've been very reflective, maybe it's the complete change of life. I have a child, a new human being that depends on me for everything and the fate of this child and how he grows is completely and directly influenced by how i meet his needs. Wow! How overwhelming, yet beautiful. Something that no one should enter into lightly or without great prayer. I'm almost 30 years old and still freak out about how i'm raising my children, what my family structure should be and boundaries without being controling or overbearing. I want my children to be better people because of how i treat them, i want to model and reflect what i want them to be. Granted i fail to reflect it at all times. It has started to become apparent as olivia grows older and her little personality gets stronger that she picks up on everything i do and say. And i have to be very careful in how i react to situations and treat others. Jimi sighs and groans alot when he gets frustrated, especially with her and she has picked it up. Its crazy! And i do agree it takes a village to raise a child. They need different perspectives and personalities in their lives to influence them, mamaw's and papaw's, aunts and uncles, friends and community. Yet as much as i want them to be influenced by these people, i dont want them to be raised by these people and get conflicted views. I want them to know there home base and take in the views of others as they go. Does that make sense? And maybe my strong opinions have been shaped by what i do and see daily with my school children. But i get sooooooo frustrated when people have kids and treat them less than the beautiful blessing and learning experience they are. My brother and my cousin both have children. They are no longer with the mothers, which is fine, but these children didnt change their lives at all. The grandparents are raising these children with the mothers. These boys (i call them boys, because as harsh as it is, they do not act like men) have little to do with their children and if they do, it is only when it is convenient for them. They go on with their lives, going to bars, drinking, staying up all night, girlfriends, etc. On Thanksgiving i witnessed my aunt and uncle ( the grandparents) take full care of these two young boys, while my cousin, the father, wasnt even in the same room with them all night, didnt play with them, talk to them, and rolled his eyes and huffed and puffed when his mom asked him to get a tissue because one of his sons had a runny nose. He even made plans and left without them. I dont understand! My brother is similar with his daughter who is almost 4. She is there with my mom every weekend, but most times he doesnt even see her. Why isnt this their responsibility?! I'm so appalled and frustrated it makes it hard to be with my family without saying something. Yet i dont know who is at fault, the boys who have these children, yet are barely being fathers or the grandparents who are taking the responsibility from them by taking full responsibility for these children and allowing them to not be fathers and act irresponsibly.I know the grandparents are just thinking about what is best for the little ones, but what is better giving a man a meal or teaching him to fish. (not sure on the quote, but you get the idea) I dont know, the frustration boils in me. I mean, my mom has to plan her life around having my niece, yet my brother who still lives at home, can do whatever he wants whenever he wants with no bother or concern for the care of his daughter. I dont know, maybe i am blowing it out of proportion, and maybe, you say, i do not live there and i do not know. I pray that is correct. And maybe there are underlying issues which inhibit them. but come on, man up!
I am not one for keeping my mouth closed, but i have held my tongue for the most part, not even knowing what to say so as not to come off "better" or like i'm looking down my nose at them. So i end up avoiding them altogether. But these children's lives are going to be completely different because their fathers are not acting like fathers. And the grandparents shouldnt be shouldering the responsibility of raising a grandchild. They have already raised their children. I cannot tell you all the stress my mom is under and how it has taken its toll on her emotionally. Anyway, that is my rant, and my frustration. So my advice to everyone: unless you are ready for children, keep it in your pants or take necessary precautions to prevent pregnancy!!! ITs not like you dont know how babies are made! Come on people!
So this thanksgiving i am thankful for daddy's who are real daddy's and mommy's who are real mommy's and the village of good influences around my children, but i am thankful that they are mine and the responsibility too.

Lonely

2009-11-19T08:36:00.002-05:00

As much as i love being a mommy to my two beautiful children, its a lonely job. Oh Carrie, how i wish you were closer! We have always walked through most things together in our adult lives and with our kiddos being the same age, it would be soooooo great to be closer so they could grow up together too!
Although i am constantly surrounded by little people, i still feel alone. i'm not sure how that works, but i remember once in college (the height of my socialness :) feeling the same way, i was constantly surrounded by people, yet felt so lonely. I talked to a friend about it and they asked if i was spending enough time with God, and told me that is why i was lonely, and they were right. Unfortunately, that has pretty much dropped off the map except for the prayers for my little ones and the praise for the gifts that they are in my life.
My husband is around much more now than when olivia was first born, but just because he is in the house, does not make him available. Sometimes we go all day without having a conversation. And he is still on his own schedule, which i didnt expect would change. He always seems so frustrated with us or overwhelmed, so i am having trouble seeing how he will make it with the two of them by himself when i head back to work, but we will see. I think we just have two different approaches, i am very deliberate in my actions and interactions and my prime focus is livi and jack, he tries to work and if trouble starts then he deals with it. But i have to get over it and maybe just chock it up to my need to be in control.
I have some baby blues, some days i just sit and cry and dont know why. Most days i mourn my body. I cant believe its betrayed me! With wanting to nurse so badly, why does it have to be so difficult, with the cracks and sores, with my two bouts with mastitus, and now a clogged duct, the doc suggested i pump for a few days, but whenever i go back to nursing things take a turn for the worse again. the antibiotics that i take for the mastitus infection, also gives me an infection if you know what i mean, one of those nice infections that all girls hate! I get super depressed when i think about my weight and how far i have to go, i cant fit into any of my clothes and i still have to wear maternity clothes, which makes no one feel good. It was so much quicker to come off with olivia. That depresses me the most, and i wish i had the time and energy to exercise. I really do like to exercise! I keep telling myself that when jack wakes up in the morning i will stay up when he goes back to sleep and get some exercise in, but i have been tired and his schedule has been off the past few days and mine too with having to pump all the time and feed bottles too, its double duty!
I'm also in need of a new job as of next year. I cannot keep doing what i'm doing and maintain my sanity and take care of my family. I need to make some connections, get my resume together, etc. AAHHHHHH!!!!
oh yeah, and christmas is coming up...............can we just skip it this year!
All in all i love watching my children grow and i am enjoying the baby phase much more this time, taking in every minute. i have a loving family and friends who have been super supportive and tons of friends who have cooked for us and gone to the store and offered to take livi, which i thank all of you for that, it was incredibly nice and i am not good at sending thank you cards or even remembering to show my gratitude but i promise i am completely moved by your generosity. You help restore my faith in people! Thank you to all of you!

A baby story

2009-11-07T09:19:00.004-05:00

IF this was a status update it would read: Katie Bird is a mother of 2!
I cant believe it, but i completely love it. Most days so far i feel less than human, only serving as a milk machine and mommy. Since having jack, my maternal instinct is on overdrive and my sole purpose has been to meet the needs of my children and family.
It's no secret that I love watching a baby story on TLC. I love seeing the different birthing experiences and comparing them to mine. I love being pregnant, with all the uncomfortableness, and weird symptoms, all in all i really do enjoy being pregnant. My husband says it agrees with me. I also like the experience of giving birth and as much as my body likes being pregnant, because it has never started labor on its own, it takes to labor fairly well.
This is my baby story:
With olivia, I was induced early because her fluid was low and they were concerned. So the labor was long and i had several drugs to help my body prepare because i refused to have a c-section. Never having any surgery in my life, i would like to keep it that way as long as possible. In my experience, as soon as they open your body, problems ensue. Anyway, during my long labor with olivia i had narcotic pain medicine and then an epidural, and got really sick, almost flulike, vomiting and everything. But what i did have before the meds was the tub. I love the whirlpool with labor, it eased the pain and helped me relax and i was excited about that experience again. With olivia i only pushed for 20 minutes, but her shoulders ripped me pretty badly ( i know you love those details!)
With Jackson, i went in to be induced 2 days after my due date, the baby healthy and fine. My body was already ready, dilated at 3 centimeters so they put me on pitocin to start more regular contractions. I sat and read until my contractions grew stronger. The dr came in and broke my water to speed up the labor not long after they started the pitocin, and i remember when my water broke with livi that my labor took to a whole different level of pain. The nurses and drs told me i could now get the epidural whenever i wanted because my labor would be much stronger. My goal was to go as long as i could without any pain medication. I wanted to see if i could do it. The dr. kept asking if i was going to go natural and i kept saying i dont know, we will labor it out and see. When i could feel the contractions getting stronger, i decided it was time to get up and move. I walked the halls countless times, walked around my room, used the birthing ball, which was my favorite way to labor this time around because they would not let me get in the tub due to being hooked up to pitocin, I was bummed and probably could have made it longer if i had been able to go in the tub. I labored for 9 hours this time as opposed to 32 with olivia. I had the epidural for the last two. I almost made it but the pitocin is the devil and makes the contractions harder and stronger to progress labor. I was completely in control until about 3:45, the pain was excruiating and the ball and walking wasnt cutting it anymore and i was beginning to lose focus through the pain. The nurses were my cheerleaders, they couldnt believe how long i made it and how well i did, i was a little surprised, because i thought most people did this, but the nurses seemed genuinely surprised at my stamina. I was proud of myself, but wished i would have gone all the way, my husband didnt know what to do, he sat by and watched mostly leaving me alone, which is what i prefer when in pain. He was amazed too at how i handled the pain. After the epidural i progressed quickly and was able to deliver within the next couple of hours. I pushed for 15 minutes before my little man was on my belly instead of in my belly and only a slight tear this time. My midwife delivered this time instead of the doctor and i felt much better after the birth. She took care of me much better and coached me well, i'm so glad she was on call that evening. We all waited impatiently to see how much he weighed. I knew he was going to be over 9 lbs though i couldnt get any of the dr's to believe me. Well, we can say that i proved it to them, my little man was born 10lbs 2.6 oz. Maybe with the next one they will believe me! :) and with the next one i want to try to make it all the way and use the tub.
So my little man is now home, he is a pretty good baby, at this point he loves to eat and sleep and he is a fidgety little man. He does like to be swaddled to sleep and helps him drift off to dreamland a little quicker. He is fickle with a pacifier but it helps soothe him when he is tired or in the car. Olivia absolutely
So i am desperately trying to nurse again, with olivia, we didnt get along in that manner and it was excrutiating. I ended pumping and giving her bottles for 3 months. I have been nursing jack, but having similar issues with pain and soreness and cracking and i contemplate every day whether to start pumping and go to bottles with him, but with that i feel like i have failed again. So i press on despite the pain, hoping it gets better. Everyone says what a wonderful experience it is which i havent experienced yet. I want to do what is best for my baby and my pride has a little something to do with it too. I think i would be more motivated if i wasnt just able to breastfeed for 2 months. IF i could do it for even 6 months i might be more motivated to succeed......After that i have to go back to work and to keep up with it then would be near impossible, i am gone for sometimes 10 hours a day with only a 15 minute working lunch. I so wish i didnt have to go back to work. I love being a mommy and being able to focus all my time and energy to my children.
Sidenote: My sub quit last week. I guess it didnt turn out to be what she thought it would be when teaching kindergarten........which is even more proof that school is hell.....................
I cant believe i am a mommy of two, i thought it would be more overwhelming than it is, i have my good and bad moments, i'm assuming that it wont get too overwhelming until i go back to work....................then i have to be showered and ready every day! :)
So this is my life these days............................dont you want to jump right in............

Wishy Washy

2009-10-10T09:00:00.003-04:00

Why am i so wishy washy. It's the only phrase i can think of to describe my state of mind at this point. I cant make up my mind and settle on anything. There is always another perspective to consider.
For one, I want to have this baby and keep hoping that today will be the day, but if i actually started thinking about having the baby today i freak out and think.........well, i could wait another day, because i know the stress of taking care of a newborn and recovering from labor is tough and i think that i better enjoy my time now. I'm just hoping he isnt as high matenaence as livi was when she was a newborn, but at this point in life it is better for me to expect the worst, because that is just how it seems to be going.
Whenever i think life is getting better or becoming more stable, i'm thrown a tough situation to remind me not to get comfortable.
When life started becoming complicated (when i started studying Job, do you think its a coincidence?) i was thankful for the difficulty, the opening of my eyes, i felt favored and honored that my faith was being tested to refine it and make it true and genuine. I had a good perspective and welcomed the challenges. But at this point, again, i'm wishy washy. In my head, i just want it all to go away, i'm tired and run down and i'm done with it. It could be that i havent been going to God to get me through but relying on other things to take my mind off of the situations instead. I have become addicted to distractions rather. I am almost back to the point where i look at my life through the eyes of faith and think, is it all worth it? The older i get, the more i cling to stabililty and worry about responsibilities. When i was young, it was easy to follow, i had nothing to lose.
Everything feels wishy washy. I think we are on target at school, doing great things that the children and the administration would like. We have been working our butts off to make it. And as soon as we start feeling good, the boat gets rocked again. I start thinking, well, its not so bad now, we are used to doing all of these things, maybe i should stay for my families and for my children who need me. Then again the boat is rocked and we are questioned and scrutinized and i know i cant stay where i am and be the teacher i want to be.
I always wonder if i'm doing a good job with olivia, sometimes i think i am an ok mom, when her behavior is ok, but when she is a terror, i think, what am i doing wrong, i must be a terrible mother. I am wishy washy.
Wishy washy is not a great place to be, but i cant decide if i want out! :)

My Jack........

2009-09-25T05:50:00.002-04:00

You have no idea how many people have asked me if i am having twins and when i say no, just one, they stare in disbelief. I do admit my belly is mighty big compared to how i looked with olivia and i have gained an extra 15 pounds more than with olivia. I have to get my work out on as soon as this little one decides to show!
I love the feeling of being pregnant and carrying this little one around with me, even if it makes me miserable and tired sometimes. I cant believe it still that i am having a second baby! I'm so excited, and super scared to be completely honest. I remember when i gave birth to olivia and how wonderful it was to finally have her in my arms, but i also remember the second night in the hospital- she cried the whole entire night and i cried with her and felt so helpless. I didnt want to take her home, i wanted to put her back in my belly!
WIth the way life has been to me lately, I am expecting the worst, but none the less, the best that comes with it. Here he comes, ready or not! Cant wait to meet my little jack!

2009-09-21T05:41:00.002-04:00

Dear God,
It's early. I'm reluctant. I am in desperate need of you this week. Please give me strength, grace, patience and love beyond myself. I wont survive without you..................Be my rescue.

The Climb

2009-09-19T21:33:00.003-04:00

Laugh if you want, that's ok, but i love these lyrics, even if it is miley cyrus that sings them. I heard this song today, i paused and looked to the sky and felt a gentle reminder in these words.

I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

'Cause there's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Somebody's gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

Keep on moving, keep climbing
Keep the faith, baby
It's all about, it's all about the climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith,

Pride and prejudice

2009-09-18T19:01:00.002-04:00

So it would be safe to say that i am going to be looking for another job. I have been thinking about getting out of covington for the past couple of years, but i always talk myself into staying. Its stable, i have friends there, tenure, and i really do love the kids and some of the families that i have had, and it was my call, my choice to be there. But each year it gets worse. And i keep going back thinking: "it will be better this year, we went through the ringer last year and were scrutinized beyond belief, so how could it get worse." But it does and it has! I know, its unbelievable. There is no longer any fight left in me because i have no say in what i teach or HOW i teach it. I have very strong beliefs about the development of a child and most things i am made to do in my classroom goes against my feelings and beliefs about what is developmentally appropriate. It used to be a program i would want my children to be apart of, but at this point i would do anything in my power so my children would not have to go there, and that is a sad day when you wouldnt even want your own children in the school you teach in. Then you know there is something wrong. Unfortunately, administrators in my district have not a clue what is appropriate for 5 year olds. There is no reason for kindergarten children to have to write in 4 or 5 learning logs a day. That then becomes all they do and they are missing out on the hands on education they need at this stage in their life, their is no reason that 5 yr old children need to sit in a chair and look at a presentation book and repeat sounds over and over for an hour. That is not fun and there is a much better way to teach that content. Anyway, I have been resistant, but we adapt and do what we have to do, because it is what the district wants to see. Not to mention the countless other demands they have put on us. I have to adhere to a program for writing, behavior, math, and reading. But we do it, because we have to and we continue to try to make it fun and entertaining in any way we can. Unfortunately, we have been labeled "resistant" by administrators (which i just found out). This year has been especially difficult, we have over 1/3 of our kindergarten already identified with special needs and the children who have never been to school are way behind. They dont know how to count or even hold a pencil, most dont even know what their name looks like. We also gained a full 17 more staff members due to a school closing in our district. We are trying to work together, but they have their own way of doing things, which makes sense. We have been trying to plan together with our new kdg. team member( by the request of our principal, because someone complained we were not sharing ideas). Unfortunately, we plan and think we are all on the same page and then we find out the next week that she is not doing what we are, she is doing her own thing. So we get into trouble because we "are not planning together and are alienating her" which i dont get because we did plan together! Anyway...................we have a team meeting every wednesday and this week, both principals and the instructional coach were in with us talking about what our work should look like, but unfortunately it became a pick session. Our principal decided he would spotlight what our new team member is doing and basically tell the rest of us that we are crap and we suck in so many brash words. he continued to say that only two of us were stars and by name he told the rest of us we were not and our children were suffering. He continued to degrade us in front of others and continued to let our new team member go on and on about what she does and praise how wonderful she is. The crazy thing is: he hasnt been in my classroom once this year, and i can count on one hand how many times he has been in my room in the last 7 years i have been there and it has never been longer than 10 minutes at most. So my question to him was: How do you know when you havent spent any time in my classroom? How do you judge someone so irrationally? Just by looking at us? Angie and I were floored, we have been there the longest and have been working together and stressing about what we are doing for years and he has never given us anything but praise. He usually does not involve himself in any of our matters and most times just stays away from kindergarten because we are not an accountability grade. So i sit hurt and confused. I know i am good at what i do, parents always come to me amazed at the end of the year at what their child knows and what they can do. I have never had a first grade teacher come and tell me that my class isnt ready for first grade.
The horrible thing is that he so rudely tells me i am worth nothing as a teacher and it is unacceptable, when this year has been the hardest. We have a new curriculum with very high expectations. We have to create everything from scratch and make a notebook with high level thinking for every subject area. We have had to adjust our schedule to fit all of the content in, all the while we are dealing with children who arent ready to write or read yet, they cant even hold a pencil or form a letter. I have been there late nights and weekends working my ass off trying to give them what they expect and make it worthwhile for my children. It is all i think about most nights and when livi goes to bed, i am back on the computer looking up curriculum or thinking about my to do list that never seems to get accomplished because i have meetings every planning time i get (because for some reason they think that we will not be responsible enough to use our planning time to plan, so they take it all and sit us in meetings about who knows what!)
So hearing my principal degrade me for no reason, and then talk to us about being unprofessional because others just happened to find out what happened in our meeting, just blows my mind! and dont worry we had words! It doesnt really help, i expressed myself, but it doesnt take back what he did and he did not apologize for being out of line and unprofessional. It completely astounds me, i sacrafice alot to work at night and on weekends, my life is wrapped around this stupid school and he just told me that i suck and i dont work hard like other people. Do you think he is there at night or on weekends? Nope! He sits in his office all day.
And who does that to an 8 month pregnant woman! I wanted to ask him what his intentions were, because they were obviously not to build us up as a team or encourage us to do better. He beheaded us in front of a crowd.
Unfortunately, within the last few weeks, four different teachers have said to me that they will not be back next year and they are miserable and find all of this ridiculous. And it is comforting to know that i was not the only one reduced to tears this week. But the teachers who are saying this are good teachers, who are there for the kids, and have been working there for years.
Needless to say i would rather not return after my maternity leave. I am going to be looking for another job this year, I cant keep living and working this way. I hate it, and i used to love my job! So if i am still there next year, someone smack me! I dont know what to do, i dont think i will be able to devote as much time and energy when jackson comes, i will have an infant and a 2 yr old to go home to, and that is overwhelming enough to think about in itself! I may have a nervous breakdown! I wonder if disability covers that........................hhhmmmmm........................ :)
I dont know what God is doing here, and i havent really asked, i have been a little caught up and busy. What i do know is that this has been the toughest school year start ever (and the no sleep, big and fat thing doesnt help much) and i was praying like crazy this summer that it would be an easy year considering my new challenges at home! Why does God think i can handle all this!
I do know one thing, God put peace in my heart and a song on my lips all week. All the stress, and emotion and anger, when i thought of him i knew i was ok and my confidence may have been shattered, but he reminds me of my call. His call to me: that i am his masterpiece and what i do is not in vain, but for my kindergarten children and they love me and they ARE learning. These trials and this fight will just make me stronger (or kill me!) and i will learn and be better for it, for whatever reason, i have to keep going, i cannot give up on my children. I'm not a quitter, so much so that it is annoying, i'm sooooo stubborn! :) love it or leave it, here i am.
And i find myself looking again at my issue with men. But i dont know if it is actually an issue with men, i dont think it is men that i despise, I think it is authority figures. I cant stand men in positions of authority that take advantage of the authority. So men, if you are in authority, think of your sister, mother, daughter or wife when you speak to a woman and how she would want to be treated or spoke to or how you would want someone to treat her. Let that be your guide. UGH!
Why have i known so many men who have taken advantage of their authority and hurt others? Why, since i was a little girl, have i been so insistent that i am equal and just as strong or smart as any man? I know several men which i have scared or intimidated because i have not been scared or intimidated by them. Do i have a complex? :)
Well, i have written many words, and like i said, i have been beaten and bruised, but i refuse to stay there, but i may need your help getting up off the ground! :)

"I want to go to there......."

2009-09-18T16:40:00.000-04:00

Shock and Awe

2009-09-16T16:36:00.002-04:00

I cant believe what i experienced today. i'm in complete awe of how this world really works. It cant be like this everywhere. :( My head is spinning.................

2009-09-15T21:38:00.002-04:00

I'm pushin up daisies, wish they were roses................

I'm pushing up daisies, I wish they were roses
I feel like I'm drowning but nobody knows it
I'm pushing up daisies, I wish they were roses
I feel like I'm dying, just want you to notice

somehow the grave has captured me
show me the man I used to be
just when I feel my breath is running out

the earth moves and you find me, alive but unworthy
broken and empty, but you don't care
cuz you are my rapture, you are my savior
when all my hope is gone, I reach for you
you are my rescue
you are my rescue

I'm swimming to safety, but even with my best
if I don't see that rope soon, this might be my last breath

somehow the grave has captured me
show me the man I used to be
just when I feel my breath is running out

the earth moves and you find me, alive but unworthy
broken and empty, but you don't care
because you are my rapture, you are my savior
when all my hope is gone, I reach for you
you are my rescue

don't let me drown
can you hear me
cuz I am
I'm underground
won't you pull me out

the earth moves and you find me, alive but unworthy
broken and empty, but you don't care
because you are my rapture, you are my savior
when all my hope is gone, I reach for you
you are my rescue
you are my rescue
yeah, you are my REScue
yeah! you are MY resCUE

I'm pushing up daisies, I wish they were roses
I feel like I'm dying, just want you to notice...

Yep, that's right..........

2009-08-15T22:55:00.003-04:00

Yeah that's right.......................... I posted that long post.................and yeah............i expect you to read it..................so get your reading glasses on.......................................your eyes are going to hurt from staring at your computer that long.................so yeah.................. :)
(i'm so kidding.........I just realized how truly long that post is! sorry! I probably should have broken it up a little)

A week of firsts....................

2009-08-15T07:56:00.003-04:00

So this week started with sunday.
For a little while we have only had one working car (again) which does not affect us greatly, but none the less. Well starting the week off, sunday morning, jimi took my car to go to church early. Livi and i got up and got ready, i started a little bit of cleaning in the meantime. And it came to be about 11:00 and we were still here, when church starts at 10:45. We would have walked but it was way too hot and humid, so we just stayed around the house and i got some much needed cleaning done. We were forgotten. Jimi, in all his frazzleness, forgot to come back and get us for church. he came home and was so apologetic and felt horrible and embarressed, but i kinda had a feeling he would forget......................we both had a busy week and he was going in five different directions at once...................The next event on sunday was small group. We drove out to carol's to begin a new bible study on Job. I was super excited to be apart of an adult small group/bible study with a diverse group of peers. It has literally been years since i have done a bible study that hasnt been for youth, but with adults. I was super excited to discuss the bible without the filter on..........................
Well, thinking about Job (if you have never read the story of Job i would encourage you to do it) i instantly felt sympathy and then anger that God would allow satan to antagonize Job like that, taking everything he had from him in a matter of minutes, and i kept thinking : if i was his wife i would probably do and say the same thing, i would be bitter and angry and tell him to curse god and die. I instantly related with her, she didnt sign up for this. But then reading about God's conversation with Satan, my perspective changed. God actually pointed out Job, he almost suggested Job to Satan for testing..................Then i thought........well, what an honor! to be chosen by God.................to be trusted by God to be faithful..............to be recommended by God as a faithful servant, God believed in Job so much that he said, "Have you considered my servant Job."
then i started thinking: I know i am going to eat those words! I cant believe i just said that aloud, "that being considered and chosen by God for all of that hardship would be an honor! I started thinking, its only seems like an honor because i can read both sides of the story, but when Job was going through this time, I dont think God ever disclosed his part of the conversation!!
That night and the next day, I started thinking about my own lot in life. The fight of ministry and how it has been taking its toll lately on my husband and myself, the fight and battles that i go through at school, just to do what i feel right for these children who have nothing. All the fights that we fight in life and the struggles that tend to go along with our journey and our calling. And i thought about job, god gave job that lot, HE knew job was faithful with it and trusted Job would be strong. Does that mean it my daily fight i should be honored that God trusts me enough and finds me faithful enough to take on the fights that he has laid before me in this life's journey? Even if i dont see it in myself, it is major to think the creator thinks enough of me..................that he thinks so much of me ......................that he trusts ME..................with these battles to fight, though they are not easy and they make me weary and even discourage me sometimes, HE believes in ME and finds me faithful enough to trust me to fight. Does that make sense?
So that is the way my week started off.....................and i told carol i was learning alot through job already, but not sure if i liked it! :) (you know, who really wants to take the hard road if they dont have to?!)
Monday and Tuesday were spent working at school, and worrying about school and trying to share one car between two of us. Tuesday was our opening day for teachers, a whole funfilled day (sarcasm) of meetings and such when you can think of a bazillion other things you could be doing to prepare in your classroom. The first week of school especially is always a nerve wrecking time.....................especially with kindergarten and especially in my district, you never know what you are going to get and it's very unpredictable and unstable...............................this is not something i like (unpredictable and unstable)! so...................i'm always anxious and it is always a big adjustment for everyone, teachers and students) so tuesday i come home after a long day and had completely forgotten that jimi had a concert event planned (which i discussed with him about a month ago that it wasnt a really good night to be gone all night) but none the less, i had forgotten about it and he left as soon as i got home.......................later that night i finally got livi to bed and sat up trying to think about the next day, making sure all my i's were dotted and t's were crossed.
Wednesday.....................first day of school for the kids...................it went pretty well, considering some first days have made me want to end my career.......................but i was exhausted and not having eaten much all day because of time, i was starving......................when i came home it was chaos, the house was a mess, livi was running wild and could not be contained and my husband, looked at me and said, I have to get in the shower and go. Overwhelmed, and utterly upset with life, that night i had my very first panic attack............................seriously never had one before......................but i got so emotional and upset that all the sudden i couldnt breathe, i was dizzy and weak and crying, thinking i couldnt go on this way.....................i do not deal well when i am overwhelmed and tired and anxious and hungry apparently..........................so jimi had just left and i didnt know what to do, i was sitting on the floor gasping for air and my body was completely out of control, it was the scariest thing to be completely out of control of my own body and not be able to think or breathe....................i got to the phone and called my mom , so someone would know, i didnt want to pass out and leave livi running around by herself..................it was horrible! my mom and grandma have panic attacks, but there's feels like a heart attack they said and usually happens in the middle of the night......................they take a pill to stop it.................well, i cant really take a pill at this point, so i guess i'll have to tough it out................and eventually i did, but was completely embarrassed because my mom came and jimi came home and everyone was treating me like an invalid.........................i am much too proud to be this vulnerable! :) I suck at admitting my weakness and letting my family think i am a wreck and i cant handle it all.........................that night was horrible, i couldnt stop thinking what a failure i was for not being strong enough.................at about 8 i could no longer hold my eyes open and fell right to sleep................
Thursday was the 2nd day of school, everyone still tired from the first and there is always more to do than we have time for. This year they threw new curriculum at us, but didnt give us anytime to actually plan with it or figure out what we are going to do when and our lesson plans have to be forever long because we are really writing them for the superintendent and not us......................i think by the end of last year mine were pushing 12 pages in 10 point font, because everything had to be listed and done a certain way. Anyway, we are feeling the stress and trying to teach the children when we dont even know what we are supposed to be doing because we have no time to plan together.....................aaahhhhhhh ......there's the stress i missed so much this summer!!! haha!!! (again, sarcasm)
Friday comes along and my assistant is not there because her aunt passed away.................then its 300 and i'm sitting in a meeting instead of getting any planning done for the next week............its 500 and i still have little done.....................and then 530 comes and i am about to pull my hair out at school and i get a phone call at school?? no one calls me at school, usually just call my cell phone...........it's jimi, apparently olivia has busted her head open and i need to come home (because i have the only working car) and take her to the emergency room. I instantly freak out, i'm still at school on a friday and my baby just busted her head open and i wasnt there with her.......................jimi assures me she's ok and it wasnt so bad, but she does need to go to the hospital.................then i get home and she walks out the front door and says, " hi mommy, got a booboo, i better, i ok!" meanwhile her shirt and neck and hair have blood all over them. So we go to childrens and wait in the crazy waiting room for what seemed like forever, with a crazy two year old that wanted to run and play with these other unruly children who were not being watched. Sitting there, i about had a heartattack, if you know me, i cant even go to chuckecheese because there is no structure and it drives me crazy! We finally get back to a room and they put two staples in my baby's head and i had to watch..............................horrible!
And another first, i have to go back into school this weekend...............otherwise i will not be ready or near ready on monday!
So all my firsts this week: 1st week of job study, 1st day of school, 1st panic attack, 1st trip to the emergency room with livi, that is quite alot for one week..............................
and i start to think of Job.........................
and perspective.........................
and this morning when i was in the prayer room, all i could say was :Thank you God! Thank you that you were there every step of the way, thank you that trust me enough to handle this, Thank you for making me stronger. Thank you! All I could say, no matter how hard i tried, was THANK YOU!!!!! How do YOU love ME so much! THANK YOU!!!!..................................... and i looked at the floor and it said, "I will give you rest." And i looked around at the walls and there was a drawing that said something to the effect of : You have set me apart. And i was so encouraged by all that i saw around me there......... And all i could think of was that he thinks enough of me to put HIS life, fruit, light, hope and love in MY hands while I am cradled in HIS..............................

Heartbreak

2009-08-08T20:38:00.002-04:00

Knowing how much my husband works and how much of his heart is devoted to God, ministry and young people, it broke my heart to see only a handful of people show up to support him. He has been wanting to have this investors lunch/dinner for quite a while and it was a big deal to him. He wanted to cater it out to make it nice and show others how thankful he is for their help and in turn relay the message of needed help to keep the ministry alive. He put alot of thought into it and was hoping for a good turnout of parents, future youth leaders and ministry supporters. He had like 22 people rsvp'd until yesterday. Last night and this morning many people canceled on him last minute. Today like 9 people showed up, yet we bought food for 20+. I'm so thankful for the people who did come, even if it wasnt your priority, but thank you for showing your support. I know most of the people who came, came because they support Jimi and will do what they can to help him because they are family, but do not necessarily have the same heart for the youth of norwood as he does or devotion to minister. He was hoping to really connect with parents and grace people to interest others in helping and supporting the ministry in a hands and feet sort of way. The weight is heavy, but would be eased spread on more than just one set of shoulders. I know he was disappointed that so few parents and grace people showed up. Knowing how much this meant to him, it broke my heart to see the lack of interest or consideration. And it even brought a few tears, knowing how much time he spent planning and hoping this would succeed. It breaks my heart and kills my spirit or any hope that i had built up that people cared. And the fight continues and my heart continues to ache. My eyes are dim and spirit is questioning. And in my head, whether right or wrong, I question: is all this worth it? The toll it takes on my husband and my family. The busyness. The emotional roller coaster. ??? the effort and planning..............???
I know i'm just frustrated and running my mouth..................but you dont know until you stand in his shoes, how much it really takes................................ and some of you do know, because you've been there and because of that you still show up to help, thank you! you know who you are!
this too shall pass, but will it get better?
i'm going to need some grace and some faith and less stress to see clearly...............
my heart will heal and life goes on...........

I cant get enough..........

2009-08-05T23:19:00.002-04:00

Olivia and i got to spend the evening together tonight. Today is the third day that we have not been allowing her to have a pacifier until bedtime. Which has prompted more conversation. Olivia and i were in the kitchen making some mac and cheese for dinner when she saw a candle flickering on the counter. She proceeds to ask me about the "birthday cake?" thinking that candles should only go on birthday cakes. For a few days now she has been talking about birthday parties. I dont remember what brought it up. But she started talking about her birthday party and how mamaw and papaw were going to come and there was going to be balloons. Well, yesterday i told livi that her birthday was pretty far away, but mamaw's birthday was coming up and we were going to go to mamaw's birthday party. Apparently she remembered, because when she was looking at the candle on the counter tonight, she started talking about mamaw's birthday cake. For the rest of the evening she kept talking about mamaw's birthday cake and how we were going to make it and she was going to help blow. Even while we were taking a walk this evening she was talking about mamaw's birthday cake. Oh the things she remembers.....................it blows my mind.
While we were taking our evening walk, she was chatting away. She was looking at the cars and naming the colors she knew, talking about the clouds high in the sky, and everything else under the sun. On our usual route, there is a church, livi always looks at me and says," mommy, house??" when we pass. I tell her it's God's house. Well tonight, we were about a block away from a church and livi starts pointing and saying, "bob's house!" and i was so confused and looking around like, "who's bob?" As we got closer and she kept saying it i realized she was talking about "God's house." I started laughing and said, "no livi, that's God's house." which she then looked at me and repeated, "bob's house!" she tried to say God's house but it just kept coming out: bob's house. We passed another church about two blocks down and she looked up and said, "nother bob's house?" and i just giggled.
After we got home from our walk we came in to eat watermelon and watch so you think you can dance. Livi loved the watermelon and absolutely devoured two pieces. (see pictures on facebook) we were having so much fun!
After i cleaned her up, she was running around in just a diaper dancing with SYTYCD when all of a sudden she starts freaking out and ran and jumped on the couch and hid behind the pillows, all the while whining that there was a snake on the floor. She kept saying, "mommy, snake, snake!! i scared!" and she even would cry when i left the room, but there was no snake and she would not even hear me out when i tried to tell her we dont have any snakes inside the house.
I finally got her up to bed and tonight she wanted to read to me. So i laid in her bed as she read her books to me (in a very two year old manner). How satisfying..................and wonderful...............and its evenings like these after a busy stressful day that make me so glad to be a mommy, and i just cant get enough of her! thank you God for my little girl......................

freedom......

2009-08-01T22:08:00.001-04:00

No words....or worries............

2009-08-01T21:09:00.003-04:00

There are no words to describe how much i loved vacation. It was our first vacation together and the most we have ever done together as a family. Here at home it is hard to even spend a couple of hours together, but we had a whole week together, in the same room! And it was wonderful! Amazing huh? The beautiful thing about vacation was just being together, no worries, no cleaning, no work, not even phone calls. Just riding in the car quietly together was nice (weird i know!). There were no gripes, whines or fighting from anyone that i remember...........it was easygoing and laid back, simple. Life needs simplicity sometimes and we were overdue. My husband worked really hard to find a nice place on the beach and boy did he! and he worked his fingers to the bone to make extra money to pay for it, because he would rather do that than ask me for the money. He always feels like he has to work himself to death to make money to make us comfortable, so i wont have to ever worry about money, which i dont, at least hardly ever, and never have, because he has always done such an amazing job of making me feel secure and he wants it to remain that way, even though i dont prefer him working all the time. he's a keeper! anyway, we had amazing accommodations for this trip, which makes relaxing so much easier. i'm so spoiled! we would get up each morning and head downstairs where they had the mother of all breakfast buffets, fully stocked at all times with anything you could imagine, all free! we would join the other guests in the beautiful ocean front lobby and eat a big breakfast, then it was off to the beach for some sun, sand and waves. once livi was beached out after a few hours of splashing in the waves and playing in the sand, we would usually go to the pool for another swim. By then, everyone was pretty wore out and we would head back to the room for snacks and a nap or just to lay down and rest and veg out for a little while. we would open the sliding doors to let the sound of the ocean come streaming in for even more relaxing. After resting we would head back out to take a walk on the boardwalk, or through the little beach shops, explore or find a place to eat. On the last evening we were there we rented one of the family bikes "buggies" (they actually look like little cars that you peddle, which is probably why they are called buggies) and decided to explore further down the boardwalk. Olivia loves bikes, so i figure she would love to ride, and she did. For most of the ride she sat in a little basket seat in the very front of the buggy, but then she wanted to sit with us, which was fine because we had a bench seat and there was a little room in between us and a little belt to strap her in. Within five minutes she was fast asleep, i mean out cold. i had to hold her little head against me the whole time while peddling or she would have fallen forward completely. It was the funniest, cutest thing ever. Here we were peddling our hearts out (me being fat and pregnant and my butt falling asleep) and she was just fast asleep! The weather ended up being great and my favorite part was just sitting out on the balcony overlooking the ocean and the boardwalk. Watching all the people on the beach, swimming and walking, playing volleyball and secretly wishing i could join in. :) Watching olivia interact with the ocean and the sand and joy she had just sitting and playing in the sand was wonderful and well worth any money spent to get there. We would put livi to bed around 9 each night, and she would lay down and wind down by watching tv and eventually fall asleep. Since our rooms were connected, i could do little after that, which was nice, i would take a shower and lay in bed listening to the ocean until i fell asleep. How wonderful and peaceful..................oh how i miss it............but i can still see it in my head, when that image fades is when it is time to worry!
Some things i noticed when on vacation.........
I live vicariously through the excitement of my daughter.......................her eyes would light up just doing something new and mine then would too. To see her experience things and get excited brings me great joy. I want to give her or provide opportunities for her to experience many DIFFERENT things. So her worldview may grow bigger and more diverse than mine and she will remain fearless of new experiences..
The ocean is expansive and beautiful. The beauty of the ocean puts in perspective God's creation. The ocean is God's creation, beautiful, huge, wild and unbridled by man. I am also his creation, made to be beautiful and expansive, wild and deep. Yet i am the one who makes his creation (me) ugly, tainted and tame. Just like only man can take the ocean and pollute it with ugliness, and try to tame it with man's whims. I love to sit and watch the waves and pretend no one else is around, just me and this beautiful beast. It makes me feel small yet significant, oddly enough.
i have a crazy imagination. Most of the car ride was quiet, which is nice, and the scenery was filled with the beauty of mountains. Which gave me a lot of time to think. Yet i was stuck, my deep thoughts gone, couldnt dig in at all. Maybe God was giving me a break from introspection, but all i could do was use my imagination. Which is pretty crazy and i wont share everything that was running through my head on that long journey. But mostly i would look at cities and towns and mountains and imagine what life would be like there for me. What if my life was different? what if i was from the west virginia mountains? what if i grew up in that house? what if i learned a different trade? what if i was me, but in a different place? would i do the same things, have the same passions, know what i know, would i resemble me?
i want to throw my husband's ipod out the window! So he is a music lover, i get it..................but driving at high speeds through the mountains and messing with an ipod every three minutes makes me a nervous wreck. And even worse, putting your ipod on shuffle but then pushing forward through like five songs to get to one you want to listen to is super crazy annoying, to me that is worse than listening to the radio. So word to the wise, the next time i take a trip with my wonderful, loving husband, the ipod is going to mysteriously get lost before we leave! (sshhhhhhhhh :)
i hate unpacking, its almost like letting go of vacation. officially not on vacation anymore. i wish i had more pictures, but i am not willing to sacrifice the experience to get a good picture. I guess next year, i will just have to take a photographer with us! :)
I love vacation, i love my family and i love relaxing with no schedule or agenda, but letting life go and letting time roll on with or without me to fill it! IF only i could get some "vacation" time each week. Life would be sweeter and more breathtaking.

this is a test.............

2009-07-20T21:58:00.002-04:00

so maybe i am trying to see how much i can post in a month................. or maybe i am just trying to see who reads by seeing who comments..............or maybe i'm just bored after livi goes to bed and i am too lazy to get up and do anything else! you guess....................this is a test! you will be graded!!! jk :)
i am currently watching hgtv as usual and my butt is glued to the couch. This is my usual spot around 10 o clock at night, i'm so pooped by the end of the day, i get super lazy and nothing gets done after livi goes to bed, i dont even want to think. jimi is getting caught up and working at the church since he was with us all day. olivia was super excited about the zoo today, she woke up asking about it this morning and she was an absolute handful until we left to go. We were all ready to go this morning, then jimi tells us that he has no clean shorts so he had to wash and dry a load of laundry before we left. I have to admit i absolutely rolled my eyes and instead of letting it ruin my day, tried to start on some cleaning that needed to be done anyway while we waited, but olivia couldnt wait and she was a whiny terror until we got into the car. but all in all it worked out and we did get to spend the day together with jimi!
i need to paint my toes, but i'm not sure i can squish up to reach them very well, but i must find a way, i cannot leave them like this. I may need to go and get my first pedicure before the baby comes. I was able to do my toes all the way up to the end with olivia, but i am so much bigger with this little guy i'm not sure that will happen.
i have had a little trouble sleeping already, except last night, i slept diagonal in the bed without my big body pillow, so half of my body was on my side and half was on jimi's side and his side is much more sunken and less firm than mine (he likes it that way), but it worked for my heavy belly and legs! So i was excited to sleep well. as most of you know, jimi usually sleeps on the couch anyway (always has), so i may get some sleep having the bed to myself. I never liked it before, always wished he would just come to bed with me, but i could get to liking having the bed to myself now! It could work to my advantage!
I'm much more uncomfortable with this baby already than i was with olivia which makes me nervous. not that i am complaining because all in all it has been another good pregnancy. No major issues...........which is great..........(its just hard being such a fatty already!!!) btw that is my new nickname for myself: fatty!
tonight my wonderful husband informed me nonchalantly that he is planning another 40 hour lock in on new years! which usually wouldnt be a big deal, because i dont think we have ever spent a new years together, (i am usually watching tv on the couch), but right after i will be returning to work after my maternity leave, so it will be a busy time for me and which means i actually lose him for like 4 days. So ..............i'm taking names now for people who want to help him or keep me sane with my two little ones. So if you're reading, pick one , i'm not even kidding! we should have sign ups: you can spend an hour there and an hour here!!! :) ( I wish i was kidding!)
on another note..........livi is now obsessed with butts. The licking thing has subsided, but now she has this thing where she wants to grab, tickle or smack your butt. she is always touching my butt! So dont be surprised if she does it to you! Just tell her that its not nice to touch people's butts without asking! :)
well, i should probably stop rambling and get off here and actually do something! let's see if you'll actually read my silly ramblings.....................

Thoughts.............

2009-07-19T22:27:00.002-04:00

I have had two evenings out with friends in the past two weeks (so rare).............it has been great, i miss being able to go out and act goofy and have conversations, laugh and just be with friends..............i dont have to worry about my 2 yr old running amuck! It has been a little tough this summer because jimi has had a very busy schedule and it has been olivia and i alot of the time. There hasnt been much time for friends or me time or couple time. But olivia and i have had a good time just hanging out. I'm afraid that when school starts it will be hard on all of us................I will have to transition into work mode, jimi will have to transition into not having me around all the time to keep olivia, so he will have to think and plan his schedule around livi instead of going on his own schedule all the time, and livi will be transitioning back into having daddy hanging around all day (which, to be honest, means less structure and less of a balanced diet!) Can you tell i'm a little bit of a control freak!? I have always had issues with them being home and i am not able to control what they do all day without me here! i'm the same way in my classroom, i have trouble not being able to control what happens when im not there, i didnt have much trouble when livi was born because it was the very end of the school year. But now i will be gone 2-3 months in the middle of the year and will have to go back to those same kids. i'm trying not to be nervous. The school year is always stressful, even more so since olivia. I have alot of passion for my job, and i want to be an amazing mom, and i also have to be there for my husband, and when your husband is in the ministry, that is like an extra job. Its not a 9-5 or 40 hr a week job and neither is teaching. how do you balance all that passion and keep it alive? can you be good at all those things or can you be good at just one and the others fall away? Is it better to throw yourself into one passion and do it well or spread yourself thin and do it all? These are questions i keep coming back to and wondering how the busyness of life will affect my job, my family, relationships, and the ministry?
At this point i cant give the ministry as much face time as i would like because when jimi is there, i'm running after olivia. i would love to give myself to just one: teaching or being there for olivia and the ministry. unfortunately i cant do everything.
sometimes i think if i had a less demanding job (like just a job) that i would be able to invest more of myself, but then i think: what else would i do that would support my family, provide benefits and provide me good working hours.
Again, these are just thoughts that i think when i sit and think....................
Anyway, i had a feeling today.................i think this little boy is going to come into the world a little early. Just a prediction. i could be wrong, but it was just a feeling i had. i'm so excited about having another little one, until i start thinking about the details, like going back to work and having to come home to two little ones at night and manage them on my own after a busy day at school. But we will cross that bridge when we get there!
This week we have a busy, but fun week planned! We are going to the zoo tomorrow, then the parade on tuesday, coney island on wednesday i have to get some work done on thurs and fri and get my hair done! Then sunday early early, we are leaving for vacation in virginia beach. We are all excited about vacation. This will be our first family vacation and our first beach vacation! I cant wait to listen to the ocean and see the expansiveness of it. i love the ocean, it is one of the most spiritual places on earth, along with the mountains.AAAHHHHH creation and the depths of it! And i get to take my husband away from phone calls, texts and the computer for a whole 5 days! i'm excited to see livi's reaction to the beach, seeing it for the first time!
After vacation i'm back to work right away and praying for a less challenging school year! HA!

sometimes i just want to scream............

2009-07-18T22:23:00.002-04:00

sometimes i just want to scream

just sit with me and have a conversation ...............
make me the only thing that matters in that moment....................
look into my eyes.....................
desire to know me..................
care about what matters to me............no matter how silly it seems
listen to me..........be sensitive to my needs

there i'm done..................

The paint department

2009-07-16T20:12:00.002-04:00

The paint department at lowes just may be my favorite place in the world. The colors surround me and i could just sit there and soak them all in. i wish i could take all the paint samples and cut them up and make some kind of colorful collage. Because that would be awesome! I think they would start to get suspicious if i took a sample of each though! The paint department is filled with decorative inspiration. They have catalogs that show you how to put colors together in a room or you can use your imagination! the opportunities are endless! it is dangerous and sometimes puts my marriage in jeopardy :) because i am constantly wanting to paint or renovate or make something old look new. But that is the beauty of it. since i dont get to paint or create as often, my house becomes my canvas!
Anyway, livi and i went to go get paint for the baby's room. (Because he needs a blue room of course!) Livi was excited and kept talking about the paint. She was sitting in the cart at the paint desk and we were discussing what they were doing with the paint, how they were fixing the color to match what we wanted and then he put it in the big box that shakes and we were talking about how that mixes the paint. So livi kept saying "it mix, it mix, it mix mommy?" It stopped shaking and livi yells "It's done!" to the workers at the paint desk. They just started cracking up. The man said," Your mommy must buy alot of paint, we have people that work here that dont even know that!" They were so tickled. So livi has a job at the lowes paint desk when she is old enough. They were enamored by her and she was eating it up!
We also went down the tile aisle because i just have to look. And i always ooh and aahh and if jimi is with me, he just rolls his eyes and heads for the door. but livi was oohing and aahhing with me and i looked at her and with love in my eyes, told her how happy i was she shared my enthusiasm for tile! we even rubbed our fingers over the beautiful tiles and she was just as excited as i was! It made my day! We may be a dangerous pair later in life, especially at lowes!!

a fighting spirit.......

2009-07-14T22:14:00.004-04:00

So i was thinking the other day, how i'm tired of fighting, but i dont see it ending soon............
As a kid, i always fought for what i thought was right, standing up and asking questions when things didnt seem right or fair, i was always concerned when it came to things being fair between boys and girls for some reason..............especially when it came to church, it always seemed like it was decades behind and i was first to take notice................
the fight as a teen was to survive in the midst of some crazy family situations.............find a place i fit in and a place to be myself...............a fight to come out on top without being tainted by the craziness, to move on and remaining sane for everyone else's sake.......................i needed to be the stable rock and stand up to the abuse we were put through as kids...........i was definite on not letting the abuse i suffered as a kid ruin my life.................i fought for my sanity and most days stood up for myself, no matter what that meant in the long run....................
the only time i remember not having to fight is in college, maybe it has slipped my mind, but the only thing i remember about college is the fun, not the fight, i remember the search for my soul, what i believed, what i thought and what my dreams in life were and the constant affirmation that i was home..............i finally found a place where i belonged, a place and people that encouraged me to be me and saw the best in me...............
After college i fought for my career. I decided in college to lay my logic aside and to go where no one else wanted to be, despite many who discouraged me. They said it would be tough and i would see, not everyone is cut out for that kind of work. They were right, but i knew i wanted to be there, i knew exactly what district i wanted to work in which is why when i moved home i moved into the community of covington. It WAS where i wanted to be. It wasnt just the first job that came along, or what i had to settle for......................That first year of teaching was tough, the toughest year yet, i hated most of it, but God placed some people there to encourage along the way, it was a fight the whole year to keep my sanity..................to teach these children who were already tainted by the culture and society they lived in..................10 and 11 yr olds, already into things of a sexual nature, drugs, fighting (oh the fighting was terrible, parents would bring their children up to school to start a fight against other kids!!!! where i came from that was unheard of!) and taking care of younger siblings because no one else was home or cared.............they were moved around, put down and given up on for the most part. That year was a fight, but i fought and came out on top. I kept fighting year after year and i continue to fight for what is right for my children, not what is right at a political standpoint, for the school or for the district, or to please the higher ups or parents, but what is right for my children. It is a constant battle and we are the hardest workers, we have to take what we are given and raise them to high standards, despite the disadvantages they already face, they are accountable just the same as the kids who have every family and economic advantage. We fight for our kids to come out on top and to inspire them to be their best.
Even in my marriage, we had to fight to survive. Especially that first year. Some crazy things happened that i would have totally walked out on if i didnt have the will to fight for my marriage and not give up. We are better today for it and i believe in years to come we will be able to help others with what we have been through and continue to battle.
The fight seems to go on in every church i have been apart of, as a child i observed some injustices in the church, (what i thought were injustices) ie: i can remember going to mass and we wrote a petition to let girls be "alter boys", not that i even wanted to be one, i just didnt want to be told no because i was a girl. or at my dad's church questioning why only men were called on to pray, and they would always pray in these big lofty words that were difficult to understand. As an college student, i never really had a home church, there were times we went here or there and knew people from everywhere because it was a small town. Mostly our job at church was to serve, we were the ministry teams and traveled to different churches putting together services or events to serve their community and help their church. We had "church" on campus. We lived in community with each other, so it wasnt ever like i needed to go to a church building although we did go, it was ingrained in us, but it was the least of my spiritual experiences when i just went and attended a sunday service.
It seems when i came home and of course from all the ministry experiences i had in college it was only natural to jump into ministry somewhere. Which is where my husband comes in. I tried to jump in along side him, but again there was a fight. There was always a fight between what he felt was good for the teens and what the "others" thought was right and good and looked good for teens. What they thought and expected him to do was not what was healthy for anyone. It was a constant battle, too much to even explain.
After we parted ways, it was a fight to keep the spiritual light alive after being hurt. It is still a fight.....................
Now we are at grace, jimi has begun a youth ministry there................and starting anything from scratch is a fight! There is a fighting spirit in the people that have fought to see it survive. But others are just there. It is a fight for jimi, trying to reach out to these teenagers, mostly in crisis, trying to get them involved and excited and teach them the art of thinking beyond themselves. It is a long fight, a fight with alot of effort and hours and hours. (which mostly leaves me at home fighting with a two yr old :) I may not always be there fighting with him, but i'm trying to hold down the fort at home and taking on his battles here in spirit. I feel the fight. I see the fight in the eyes of the leaders. But i'm not sure their fight is enough to carry everyone else. This may sound weird or vague, but i'm not sure their fight SHOULD be enough to carry everyone else. It's not fair to make them fight and battle when everyone else gets to watch from the sidelines. Why does it always have to be a fight?

So all in all, there are so many days when i get tired of the fight. But i guess all this reminds me how God has built me. Maybe he built me for the fight. he even lets me fight with him! All the times i have had to fight to survive, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, has made me a warrior. And as they say, if it's not worth fighting for, it's not worth it. Almost everything in my life has worth because of the fight. So remind me of that when i get weary and want to give up the fight. i was built with a fighting spirit, so life............ dont get in my way!

toddler or puppy???

2009-07-05T21:56:00.002-04:00

i promise some days i do not know whether i have a 2 year old or a puppy. Livi pees everywhere! (i'm sure she will hate me for this when she is 16). Her diapers no longer hold her pee. She often takes her diapers off and runs from me then pees on the floor or under the table. She then thinks its funny and splashes around in it. Not more than 3 months ago we were doing well with potty training, she was excited about going to the big girl potty and she was starting to tell me when she had to go. But things have gone in reverse, now she does not want to even try to go to the potty and instead will run from me when i try to change a wet or dirty diaper! In addition to her pee issue, she now has entered a licking phase. If we are just sitting on the couch, if she is feeling feisty, she will climb on you and lick you. Arms, face, chest, whatever skin is exposed. We have tried to get her to stop, but she thinks its hilarious! Am i dealing with a toddler or a puppy?

sometimes i hate being a grownup............

2009-07-02T18:36:00.004-04:00

i really am not superwoman and it shows..................my patience most days runs thin by the end and reinventing creative ways to get livi to do things gets tiring............... even in the summer i cant seem to keep up with everything, i am just getting my car ready to sell, and today we get a letter in the mail from the health department telling me that i cannot keep my "inoperable" car stored in my driveway on the side of my house. Apparently it is unlawful in norwood. But the thing is my car is not inoperable, it had a leaky tire, all i had to do was fill it with air! Really people! The car is barely noticeable from the street because it sits in the driveway in front of the other two cars so it is pulled all the way up to the side of the house. I wanna know who declared my car inoperable! i'm so confused! The only person i can think that would have complained about my car would be the only one who can see it, our neighbor who has yet to live in the house next to us. The house next to us has been literally crumbling and a mess and vacant for the whole 2 and 1/2 years we have lived here and all of the sudden a work crew has been there everyday gutting and i assume, remodeling. yet their weeds still hang over in my driveway, and their wall to the porch crumbled in my driveway. Did i mention the notice said our grass was too long and that we have a tree in our backyard with a limb that needs to be taken down because it is loose. What in the world!? I am not superwoman! I cant keep up! But it hurts that someone would complain and rub it in my face instead of asking me about my perfectly operable car! There is a leak in my kitchen ceiling that still needs to be fixed, i was just about to hire someone when my dad offered to work on it while we were on vacation. AHHHHHH thank you daddy! Let's hope dad knows what he is doing! I still need to paint the nursery and i am thinking twice about it, just because i dont know if i will be able to find the time. I have baby stuff to go through, i wanted to get the third floor organized instead of just storage. There are piles of stuff mounting up all around the house from my husband. And no one seems to care if there is food on the floor, stains on the carpet, toys everywhere, things broken, except for me! I think i may go insane today! I'm a little off my rocker anyway. I just feel overloaded and i cant imagine what will happen to me when school starts again, I cannot come home to chaos, it may just skyrocket my bloodpressure and then i would really be in trouble. Jimi has been superbusy with alot of commitments so it has just been livi and i most days and i'm in need of some time to just spend with friends or even by myself without working on something or running after my very active two year old. I think i'll be ok, i'm just in need of venting some overwhelming emotions. Maybe its my hormones. ugh! i'm just done and i dont want to think. It's been a long week already and there is still a holiday!

sometimes i really hate being a grownup............will someone please take my responsibilities or at least help ease the burden??!!!

a little revelation..............

2009-06-28T21:53:00.003-04:00

so i had a mini revelation this morning, nothing big, but encouraging none the less...................
i always find it amazing how carol talks to god (because its perfectly suited for her) and a little freakish :) (love you carol!)
but here i was sitting in church this morning, usually the last place i find him, on a sunday morning (of course thats all me)..........
we were participating in a prayer experience, led by our own initiative and a montage of videos, songs and verses including communion
i feel a little weird getting down and crazy with god and opening myself up to a true worship experience on a mild sunday morning, especially when most others (not everyone! :) ) are mild mannered and proper church folk..........
i applaud the leadership for doing something different, unfortunately i dont always think everyone is able to run with it..........and most of the time that is me...............but i'm open.........i sat and participated quietly, reading and singing, but ignoring my heart, well................it would be best to say i avoided my heart.................i was just being a good church goer and trying to focus my attention on what was going on.................
then all of the sudden it started...........
an impromptu conversation with God.....................
there is a secret burden and struggle that i carry and most days dont want to face god with it on my shoulders............i am stubborn and think i can take care of it (and should take care of it) on my own...................
all i remember is looking down at my jersey dress and stretching the hem with my fingers, forgetting anyone else was around me, i couldnt hold back the tears, i dont even remember how it began, but it was the most rational conversation with god i've ever had.............especially sitting in the middle of a room full of people...............
Get this people: i actually talked to god about my struggle............yeah i know what you are saying: duh katie!
I asked him why this was my struggle, why was i bearing this, i assured him i am alone in this,
His response: you are not alone, my response: i am alone, this is my struggle, no one elses, and i would be ashamed if anyone else knew, no one would understand, and He said, this is yours to share.................
and the conversation goes: I cant share............maybe when it is through, but not now, i am not ready to share.............
God: share it with me
Stubborn me: I can take this myself, it is not yours to bear, i will clean the mess i made
God: i love you, you know that i love you
Me: yes, i know that.................but i'm not sure i understand what that means............
God: this is what it means: I want to share your struggle, i want to bear it too, i want to carry it when it gets too heavy for you......................

In my head: i am thinking............well first.....i'm thinking i'm crazy............because my brain isnt thinking but its speaking, so either i am crazy and have two people in my head.........or this conversation is really happening! :)
And...........i am thinking.........that makes sense...........because no one would bear my struggle for me, no one would go through my pain, unless they loved me..............that is love..........right?
ok God, point taken.........
at this point i am a silent mess................just so surprised that god still loves me and will talk to me perfectly even though i sit in sin and struggle.....................
so i understand a little bit better now, when carol speaks of her conversations with god, and they perfectly fit her.............because today there is no reason to avoid a conversation with God because he spoke perfectly to me where i am and wasnt angry, i guess he knew i was angry enough for the both of us :)............................

i know it is small beans..............but it was huge to me...........he found me.........he found me..........
of course the conversation was a little bit longer, but i wont share it all...........
i assured him that i might screw up, he said he knew already and its ok.......as long as i am with him..........

ive never known that kind of love, the kind that loves through anything...........its pretty amazing to me that its even available to me ..............as hard as my head and my heart is!

cute livi-isms

2009-06-23T22:18:00.002-04:00

HONEY.......
So olivia is sitting on the couch while i was scrubbing the stains on the carpet below her.................she kept saying"mommy, mommy, mommy...." so i finally said, "yes, honey." she looked at me a little perplexed and said," honey?" I looked up at her and said, "yes, its a nice name to call someone." so she kept calling me honey. she kept saying,"mommy, honey? mommy, honey." I couldnt help but laugh. Because she can identify honey by seeing the sticky stuff in pooh's honey pot, i cant imagine what was going through her head when i was calling her honey. She thought it was so funny that i would respond when she called me honey. :)

NO THANK YOU.......
so, i have been trying to get olivia to say thank you for a while. So after everything she gives me i say, "thank you!" So after everything i give her i tell her to say thank you mommy. Of course this hasnt worked yet. But the other day she started saying: your welcome. So everytime she hands me something and i say thank you, she says, " your welcome." very enthusiastically. But now everytime i get her juice or give her something and tell her to say thank you she just looks at me and smiles and says,"your welcome!"

STICKIES......
Olivia loves stickers. Jimi had stopped by the store this morning and bought her some dora and spongebob stickers. Two of her favorite cartoons. She was so excited she instantly pulled out a coloring book which she has designated for stickers only and pulled off each dora sticker on the sheet and put it on one page of the book. This evening she was working on the spongebob stickers and i flipped on the television and dora happened to be on. Well livi looks up with excitement she points to the tv and yells:DORA! which actually sounds like: Iya! she rushed to find the page in her "stickie book" with all the dora stickers and she yells at dora on the tv: "Iya (dora), I have your stickies!" as she showed dora on the television her dora stickers. She was so excited. :)

SOCIAL BUTTERFLY.......
livi is truly her own person. she loves people and other children, hardly ever shy. We went to sharon woods today and of course there were alot of other children there. The children that she was playing with were her size, yet they were not wearing diapers and most were speaking in full sentences. She tends to gravitate to older children mostly. But there were lots of little toys floating around and lots of children playing. But she was so excited to say hi to everyone, and when she picked up a toy, most times you could hear another little voice say, that's mine! usually that is olivia's line.............but she would return it to who it belonged to nicely. I was so impressed and surprised. She played and played and played.............and it blows my mind that she has absolutely no fear. she will approach anyone.

My little livi is growing up before my eyes and i am finding it hard to believe how fast it is going.........i have enjoyed being home with her this month, it makes me a little bit sad that i cant be home with her forever. :) She is the best thing that has ever happened to me!

Torn

2009-06-23T08:56:00.003-04:00

i have been hated
and loved
questioned and trusted
i am dirty and spotless
i am brilliant
and mindless
i believe and
i doubt
i despise
and i love
i lust for wrong
bask in rightful glory
i fear
i run
i am driven and inspired
i am stuck in contentment
i cant believe where i have been
i dont know where i am going
there is a hole in my heart
i am filled to the brim
i am..........
walking
climbing
fighting
laying still
Torn

When i have nothing and everything to say..........

2009-06-22T22:58:00.003-04:00

i have no idea what to write................ a little scared to share, i have alot on my mind, but nothing at the same time. in desperation for deep conversation i want to share the wonderful, ugly and horrible things in my head right here, but my honesty may be too brutal or embarrassing for some readers.
Anyway, i'm in desperate need of some girl time without livi by my side. I do love to be with her and tend to miss her and talk about her when i am not with her, but i need some time to have a conversation with my heart and mind and not be interrupted by squealing or climbing or running about. She tends to distract from deep thought or conversation naturally. And there is not much time that i am without her.
I sat with a young lady the other day in turmoil over a boy. We chatted and she said that i give the best advice. My thoughts: really? Well it's only because i've done or seen or dealt with most of it. From that conversation i started thinking about my story. Reflecting on my life up until now. And I feel almost compelled to dive deep into my story and share, share everything, from the beginning, not just in parts but a whole. And as i thought that, i also felt intimidated that i might find out some things or remember some things that i have pushed aside, but inadvertently affect my living now. Why would i think that? Plus sharing my whole story would be a book, maybe one day i will write the first chapter...............
Well, i havent yet finished or made a dent in my to do list for the summer. The days seems to fly by! I have been working hard, but have little to show for it. i have been working in livi's room, but her room is now finished! yay! But working in one room is not enough, i have been going through closets and storage and getting rid of things. I mean really.............how many sheet sets does one really need! I had like 12! is that really necessary!? where did they all come from? and they were all hiding in a closet, so i know i probably never used half of them. They are off to goodwill tomorrow! if you didnt know, my husband has alot of clothes, but he goes through clothes so fast. he may wear something twice and then grow out of it. He is particular about the fit of his clothes and tends to fluctuate in weight, so he just buys new clothes. So many of his things are going too.
i have been avoiding the whole spirituality to do list. i have yet to pick up my book and read and i have yet to listen. in fact i dont even pay attention. I have a list of excuses, but mostly its this sin i hide, i rationalize alot, but it builds a wall thicker and thicker.
I realized the other day, as i found some letters i have kept since college, that i no longer recognize myself. I have this anger and resentment inside. I have this distrust and general synicism toward people that claim they are followers of jesus. and people in general. how awful! that is the opposite of me. I am no longer who i once was. i blame it on the church, seeing the inner workings, being burned, i dont know..........maybe, but does that mean i give up on people in general? how do you survive and not be syncial and numb??? most days i look around me and see struggle and depair............. Maybe i should just let go and move on. This is me now, take or leave it??? Maybe i should evaluate what needs to be dealt with or changed in my life and do it.................hhhhmmmmm.......but that would take too much thought. help!!!!!
aaahhhhhh life..................
meanwhile................i keep having strange dreams about the jonas brothers, ice skating and black bears.
i'm already thinking about breakfast and i'm just about to go to bed....
sweet dreams all..............

Things I love......

2009-06-10T22:09:00.002-04:00

I love summer..........
I love that i have no schedule and no plans. I love that the weather is beautiful most days and we spend alot of time outside, even if it is just on the porch. i love the freedom i have in the summer. i love that life isnt so rushed or stressful. I love not waking up when it is dark to an alarm clock.I love staying up late and being able to wait up for my husband most nights just to say hello........... I love being finished with graduate school (although i love learning and going to school, so it may not be my last degree!) I love when my husband grills chicken, he is the master of grilled chicken and doesnt even need marinade. Yuuummmm.......
I love spending time with my daughter...........
With being home this week, we have had so much fun. She has been better behaved, I think because we arent rushing and trying to get here or there and i'm not stressed and have more patience with her. It has been so nice to sit and play with her or just sit and watch her play. She is so great! I love to watch her play with her doll house, her babies and she cooks for me in her kitchen. She loves to be outside and gets so frustrated when we have to come in. I usually have to drag her kicking and screaming, which means i literally have to pick her up while she is screaming madly. Its a little bit funny, because it is what i do when i get frustrated, which is scream and grunt madly. She gets this teeth gritting look on her face and lets out a yell. I cant help but giggle. I know other people probably think i'm mean and or stealing her or something. I love that i can look for activities we can do together, like toddler time at the library! I love that her most recent words are: Help, please! i love that she is saying new words each day..................i love that she cuddles when she watches tv...................
I love spending more time with my family....................
Today we went to lunch and went to the Newport Aquarium ( which i have never paid to go, but man it is expensive!!!) But we were worried that livi would run, but she was soooo good about holding hands and staying with us.............i loved to see her excitement, she wanted to look at every exhibit and she was sooooo thrilled, which makes all of that money worth it.
i love that all three of us got to spend time together!
I love that my refrigerator is full of food...................
I hate going grocery shopping when i have no time to think or cook.................... and jimi refuses to go unless it is to stop and pick up a couple of things he can fit in his hands. so i finally got out to superwalmart ( i heart superwalmart) and went shopping! I filled the cart with food! and it feels good to be able to cook and have some choices in what to eat, not having to scronge around and put together random meals with only ingredients that i can find. i feel better about what i am eating and confident that we will have a variety of things to eat every day! The only thing is, when you cook three meals a day, there are alot of dishes to do! But it also makes me wonder what jimi and livi ate before, there was never this many dishes!???? :)
I love that my house is clean............
Now my house is not spic and span but the toys get cleaned up, my floor gets swept everyday (most days two times a day), the dishes slowing get done, the clothes get put away, etc. When i am in school, i only have time to clean on the weekends, and with olivia and jimi being here all day, its always a mess..............life is less chaotic when my house feels semi organized.......
I love so you think you can dance..............
I love to watch and study the choreography, i love to watch the dancers, i love to hear their stories and secretly hope that one of my children will be interested in dancing.................although i promise i will not be one of those parents that push their dreams on their children............ :)
I love that i can take long walks every day...............and i love that livi loves them too................
I love the feeling of: what should we do next? or what should we do today?
I love summer...............

It's a boy!

2009-06-04T22:38:00.002-04:00

I cant believe its a boy. It came as no surprise, everyone kept telling me it was a boy. But it still is very surreal. I just assumed i would have all girls. My husband said we were going to have all girls when we got married, i just assumed he was right, but he said this week he thought it was a boy. I have no idea what to do with a boy, but it will be fun to find out! For some reason, my main concern with a boy is i do not want to baby him. I want my son to grow up to be a self sufficient man ( oh my gosh, I am going to raise a man!). How do i raise a good man!?! I feel like i can teach livi to be a self sufficient independent head strong woman ( she is already half way there) because that is what i know, but will i be able to teach my son how to be a good man! Oh my goodness! I think i am having a panic attack, I'm going to raise a man! Oh and i hope livi and my little boy will be close. I fear creating animosity between them. I guess most of my fears stem with what i see with my brother. I probably need to let go of what i know and just live and love my children. Oh my gosh, i'm going to have childREN!!! i'm feeling a little joyous and overwhelmed!
I just need to relax. It was a crazy day with livi. This morning she got up at 6:30. Jimi decided to go out to eat late last night and got sick all morning. So i was on my own and had to get her and i ready and finish up some things at school WITH my little buddy livi. Then get to the doctor in time with my little buddy livi. This morning livi was a terror. She is not a terror everyday, but today everytime i turned my head she was into something, doing something she knows she is not supposed to be doing. When i said no, she continued to push the limits with a smile on her face. We had to hurt her feelings to get her to listen. And about noon today, I thought: what am i thinking, I'm going to have another one! But seeing that little baby boy up there on the tv and his little heart beating and seeing and feeling him move around, made me fall in love all over again and remind me of the joy of having little ones, despite the trying times.
Now I need to go and buy some little boy clothes, and yes i thinking about painting the nursery! Luckily all the bedding i picked for livi when she was born is gender neutral and we did her room in primary colors. I think i just want to change the yellow to a light blue that matches the blue in the bedding. So i probably need to add that to my summer to do list! Oh and a name! I have no idea what this baby will be named! I'm hoping it just comes to me!
Well, i think i am going out back to make me a smore! there are young people standing around a fire in my backyard making smores and laughing it up, i think i may go eat a smore and get some z'ssss!
:)

one down, one more to go!

2009-06-01T16:10:00.002-04:00

One more day until : My first free summer ever! Yay!

My summer goals: (stated positively)

*Prepare livi's new room for her and the baby's new room for him/her
*Repair leak in kitchen ceiling, bathtub, etc. (i may need to call a handyman for help if anyone knows of any good ones i could hire)
*organize/clean third floor
*spend time with livi
*spend time with jimi
*spend time with my family
*plan a lunch or dinner date once a week to catch up with friends (this includes you my friend if you are reading! Let's get together and eat!)
*visit carrie, andy and lauren
*have at least one more girls night out
*reorganize my school binders for next year
*stay cool!!!! (like temperature wise)
* exercise at least 5 times a week
*swim in the bond pool
*make a (at least weekly) date for the prayer room
*read a book ( i have a couple in mind)
*enjoy a festival of some sort
* take a long drive in the country and have a picnic
*go to a beach ( i dont care if its the ocean or a lake beach at this point, I miss the sand between my toes and the waves splashing.)
*make a new friend.
*be more accomadating to my husband
*get involved with some kind of group that will pray for and with me, share, encourage and keep my accountable.
* pray and listen.

That last one may be the most difficult.
Wow that looks like alot. I guess there is no such thing as a lazy summer.

More interesting conversations.........

2009-05-20T21:25:00.002-04:00

Ellie says: "Mrs. Bird I watched my dad's movies at night and i dont even have nightmares!" She paused for a second and looked at me. She continued:" It's because I'm a Tomboy!" That's when another little girl overheard ( the same little girl that overheard the termite conversation and told me about the devils underground ironically). That little girl asked Ellie, "What's a Tomboy?" To which Ellie responded, "It is when a girl really wants to be a boy."
We have been talking about safety this week, today we talked about being safe at home and poisons to keep away from at home. one little girl was telling me that "Car Soil" was poisonous and we should not go near it. I even repeated it back to her to make sure i had heard her correctly and she confirmed it was car soil. She even wrote it in her learning log and illustrated it. It looked like a pile of soil, so I'm not sure if she meant "car oil" or some kind of soil. Who knows???!! Maybe its a new kind of soil where you can grow cars! :)
You never know what they will come up with!

Super Blue Today.........

2009-05-20T16:52:00.002-04:00

There are those days when the world gets the best of you and life sucks..............then there are those days where nothing is really wrong but it is just a blue day. Today couldnt be more nice, the weather is beautiful, i have a new car, i did not have to deal with alot of craziness today, there wasnt an overabundance of drama like in recent days, but for some reason i'm blue..............and that is the best way i can describe it.............chalk it up to pregnancy and hormones i guess, though i dont like using that as a serious excuse.....................
Its one of those days when i feel like a bad mom, because i'm tired and dont want to play, when i feel like a bad mom because i have not exercised since i dont know when and i eat unhealthy things and i worry about my baby more than i did with olivia....................I have a messy house everyday when i come home and that stresses me out, and i cant wait until summer
ugh................i hate the blues, i would rather be yellow, bright and sunshiny........ :)

Some lyrics to get me through this crazy crazy time....

2009-05-18T22:31:00.002-04:00

I run from hate
I run from prejudice
I run from pessimists
But I run too late
I run my life
Or is it running me
Run from my past
I run too fast
Or too slow it seems
When lies become the truth
That’s when I run to you

This world keeps spinning faster
Into a new disaster so I run to you
I run to you
And when it all starts coming undone
you’re the only one I run to
I run to you

We run on fumes
Your life and mine
Like the sands of time
Slippin’ right on through
And your love’s the only truth
That’s why I run to you

This world keeps spinning faster
Into a new disaster so I run to you
I run to you
And when it all starts coming undone
you’re the only one I run to
I run to you

The wheels are turning........

2009-05-17T21:38:00.002-04:00

It's almost summer.........this will be my first actual free summer in years.........no school, no new baby yet, no classes, no workshops, i'm excited.............will i be bored or will i have so much fun i wont want to go back?!! The only thing i wish and want more than anything at this point is a real vacation with my family, unfortunately my husband tends to not like planning vacations and finds it difficult to plan around his busy summer schedule..........maybe i will get to sneak one in, he seems to be more open to it this year than ever and promises me he will try to make more time to be available to livi and i, but it is one of those things you have to actually see to believe!! :) I always thought it was funny because he is a master at planning youth events and coming up with great ideas to do with the teens, yet he never wants to plan anything for the family! Weird..........
I have lots of things already on my to-do list for the summer. I have a leak in my dining room window that i have to figure out and i have a leak in my kitchen ceiling, that is most likely coming from the bathroom above it. so i have to seal the tub and buy a new shower door (mine is broken) and my dad says i am going to have to scrape the water damaged wall and re-plaster.......never done that before .............but i'm sure it will be a good time to learn!:) i just hope that fixes the leak! (this is thrilling stuff to read i know, it is more for me so i can remember what i have to do........sorta my running list)
Anyway, i'm a slacker and still have not finished livi's new room, I have to hang curtains and rods, blinds, put knobs on the dresser and put two shelving units together, it seems to take forever when you are working alone, so i will gladly take any volunteers!!! Another thing i want to tackle is the third floor...............right now it is just used for storage and i would like to put the guest bed up and get that room set up for out of town guests or friends who need a place to crash, i'd also like to have all my materials in one place and set up, so whenever i feel like creating i can without a two day hunt to track down canvas, paint, chalk, etc.........
I'm sure i'll add more to the list, but that is a good start.............oh i just remembered, my yard, i have to do something with this crazy yard!

Moving on..............................
I am going to get my new to me car tomorrow.........i'm pretty excited, and it is a proud moment for me, knowing that i am paying for half of it on my own and i am keeping my payments under 150 a month, i dont pay over 150 a month for anything and for some reason that is important to me..................

Lots of drama has been going on at school lately, i dont know where i should stand, alot of changes are going to be happening next year, there will be 9 (i think) teachers and almost 100 more kids..............we are already the biggest elementary school in the district, it may be pretty crazy.................but change is always exciting
At this point, alot of inner drama is going on with elections for the decision making committee for our school, there seems to some unfairness and it seems that the primary and intermediate teachers are always pitted against one another which makes things hard, people are going behind backs and trying to sway others including the principal in important decisions for next year..........and unfortunately it is pretty one sided or at least it SEEMS that way.

So.............i know i am jumping from topic to topic, but all these things just keep coming to mind............even if they are meaningless...........

I was sitting and listening to an old 80's song the other day and i swear if i closed my eyes i was back in that decade, the feel, the smells, the sounds and no worries...................it was a really surreal moment............i remembered things that i havent remembered in a long time.................if you know me, you know i do not have a great memory of childhood unless it is provoked and then i dont know where the memories come from, they must be stored away up there somewhere!

So i'm in my second trimester, set to have my first (and usually only) ultrasound june 4th. Today i felt the baby moving around alot, felt like someone was poking me with a pen from the inside, or a bubble popping. just little movements........
I'm alot more worried with this pregnancy than i was with olivia, but i'm also not as cautious, i eat junk, i probably have too much caffeine and apparently i am more anemic than i was with livi, but dislike taking an iron pill. Dont know why.............

In church this morning............i was sitting and listening and jobe said the verse about oaks of righteousness..............without even thinking, my instant response was a roll of my eyes and a slight twitch.................i know all you former oak harborites will know exactly what i am talking about, but i had to catch myself, because each time it was mentioned it gave me a crazy nervous twitch and i automatically tuned out............is it habit? that verse, i know is a great verse, but it does not have the same meaning to me, since it was used to establish a church that hurt and damaged me and many people that i love............so instantly i think, is that what oaks of righteousness look like, because i want nothing to do with that......................
So after that got my attention, he went on to talk about spiritual battles, that the spiritual battle is what creates the hurt and tension between us, so we need to realize what we are up against and if we have someone that we hurt or someone that hurt us, it is the spiritual forces at work against us and we need to be aware and go to the person with have issues with..............( i think i summarized that correctly??) So my question is, what if it is a leader who hurt you, and several others, and refused to talk to you about it, refused to accept your inquiry about what was happening, refused to approach the conflict with dignity? When that said spiritual leader, just ignores you and your hurt or inclination, calls you names, using information against you and just waits for you to go away....................what then? Is that spiritual warfare? How many times do you go to someone? Now i understand why that person wanted to ignore me, i was hurt and angry, and i wanted some answers and wanted to be heard..................but i dont know...........is it sad that this still comes up? I swear i dont ever bring it up, it always just appears out of nowhere, its not like i sit and dwell on the past, but this morning just tipped it off, with the whole "oaks of righteousness" stuff...........................i guess that means its still not over for me.......................i dont know..................there are still issues to be resolved, but arent there always issues to be resolved??!! :)
(do you see that i am reverting back to old writing habits with my dot dot dot dot dot dots......................... :) it must be reflex when this crazy stuff comes up!)

Anyway..............i always wanted to have it all together by the time i had kids, so i could give them a better life and be a better example than i had, but i'm starting to think i'm never going to have it all together, i just pray that my lack of togetherness doesnt scar my children, but may they learn from my life lessons as i learn them..................and know they dont have to have it all together either, but just willing to learn throughout their entire lives.....................

Goodnight for now.........i think i've shared enough ramblings for now............dreamland is waiting, i hope keith urban is my boyfriend again............that was a nice dream.............i got to fly in that one too and live on an island with special powers...............(wonder where i got that from!)

love yous!

The funny things they say........

2009-05-12T21:49:00.002-04:00

Coming in from outside, we were standing in the hallway in line for the bathroom, one little girl comes to me and say, "Mrs. Bird, I think I have the termites." Meanwhile, scratching her head and neck furiously. I laughed because i heard some of the other girls screaming when they saw bugs crawling on the sidewalk and called them termites. I asked her if she was made of wood, to which she responded, "yes!" I proceeded to tell her that termites usually eat wood and live underground, so she probably did not have "the termites" To which another little girl said, "Termites live underground? With the devils? Mrs. bird, did you know there are devils underground? They live there, cause jesus, he told them they had to for twelve years. Did you know devils are a person and they really live underground!"
All this interesting information in one conversation!
While we were standing in the hallway, we were looking at the posters they had made of themselves when they were babies. One little boy was looking at a poster that had a photo of a mom on it. He points to the poster and said she has dead eyes. One of the other kids said why, he proceeded to tell him that she has dead eyes because they are red.
What??!!!
where do they get these things??!!
HHHMMMM i think i'm going to eat cake now.....

God Likes Me.......

2009-04-18T23:56:00.002-04:00

God likes me......he really likes me...........I sit down after i finished painting livi's dresser and turn on SNL and it just so happens to be the best of Amy Poehler, I heart Amy Poehler. Then i sit down to do my lesson plans and my husband says he has to go out but will bring me back some ice cream! OF course its midnight, but its all ok with me! Thank you God, its the simple things that make me smile! LOVE IT! "Hey RICK, can I HAVE A BEE BEARD??!!!" :)

Back to the pits

2009-04-18T00:13:00.002-04:00

I'm completely overwhelmed with emotion. This has been a week like no other. It has almost been an out of body experience. I feel like i have been hovering over everything just on looking all week. This morning i finally cracked. (Sorry cindy, for the abrupt cracking, i had no idea it was coming) But the tears just started flowing. I am strong, i have always been the strong one, the one that doesnt cry in the midst of craziness, that makes jokes to make things seem lighter, to stand up when others fall down. I dont know if it my current state or just the lack of normalcy in my life this week, but i can no longer bear the weight. I can make a list a mile long of things on my mind, heavy things, overwhelming things. And under all this pressure i have failed, which makes things worse. The darkness is thick.
I finally felt like my purpose had returned, my spiritual eyes that were blind for so long recovered their sight with a slightly different view, my prayers were heard, and my mission was to fervently pray for my church (for there is a sense of urgency, yet hope there, but the darkness remains thick and surrounds) and to learn how to live again outside of the pit i had created. Then this week happened and as much as i went to God, i then turned my back to him also. I cant add the details at this point, its not something i choose to discuss online, so sorry if it is so abstract that it may be hard to understand. Life has taken a very different turn this week and my body and my mind are having trouble keeping up so i think they just quit trying.

2009-04-09T06:17:00.001-04:00

Have I got a blog for you!!..............Unfortunately I am having trouble finding time to sit down and write it, I AM SO TIRED! So youll have to wait, i know you are patient with me and dont mind! :)

voices....

2009-03-29T21:42:00.002-04:00

so i had time to sit and pray this morning, sit in a quiet dark place and listen to some soft music and pray..........just to be still............and it was just a few minutes.............but i was totally relaxed and being very honest...............and you know what i heard...............voices, lots of them, and my mind couldnt stop thinking, it went in all different directions, each important but difficult to reign in and focus on what's truly important........................is it possible that i have not taken a time out in so long that i no longer have that ability to be still................by being so crazy busy and constantly on the go and on the edge of my seat have i trained my mind to never sit still.......................is this why i am so crazy all the time, all these voices, yet they all sound like mine??????? I think i have ADD...............What's real God..........help me find it............but can we start tomorrow? I'm exhausted :).................

April 4th

2009-03-29T21:28:00.002-04:00

April 4th is an important date. no it is not the beginning of my spring break, but it is the date i am supposed to take my big comp test to finally obtain my graduate degree. It is also the date i was supposed to present my year long project at a share fair conference in lexington. Both start early, both last a majority of the day, hmmmm, cant be at both places at one time. Luckily, my professors for the project have been super flexible and understand that i cannot reschedule my test and i think they are letting me free even though i still must have my action plan and paper ready by that date. well it just so happened that our old computer that housed my info and action plan crashed and apparently nothing on the hard drive could be salvaged or pulled off, so i was left to start again. My own stupid fault for not saving it anywhere else! Anyway, i happened to pull out my study guide they gave me for my comp test, which might i mention, is over the first four classes i took, 3-4 years ago! Needless to say it read like a foreign language to me and i had to go back and research every question so that i can answer it, because apparently it is a writing test, no multiple choice....................ugh! So no guessing, i must know it! So i took a personal day on friday and got a babysitter for livi and studied all day. Saturday i studied some more, and today i wrote a paper, an action plan and lesson plans for the week! I'm officially worn out, i'm done done done! And my spring break is two more weeks away! i'm a little frazzled and stressed but i've begun to get used to feeling that way..............does it ever end?
I think i can ......i think i can.....i think i can.......

My girl.....

2009-03-21T08:46:00.002-04:00

2009-03-20T23:25:00.001-04:00

We should probably count how many times i used the word poop in that last blog. It might be some kind of blog record! :)HEHE

Potty mouth....

2009-03-20T22:57:00.002-04:00

If you are grossed out easily you may not want to read this........(M, i was thinking of you when i decided to write about this..:)
If you are my friend long enough you probably know that i have poopy problems, I have become very open about these problems because they seem not to go away and in order to deal with them i must speak openly about them. Its not a big deal usually, but when you are with child you are not allowed to take many medications, which means the one thing that i take to make life flow easier i am no longer allowed to take for nine months. This is excrutiating! So I must go nine months with the worst poopy problems and already feeling like a tired slacker it just makes things worse when you cant go to the bathroom. So tonight my stomach finally had enough, it started cramping and making awful noises, it was so painful i couldnt stand up straight. I was shaking and sweating and getting light headed and i literally thought i was going to pass out...............pain worse than contractions! Meanwhile i was trying to get olivia in and out of the bath and get her ready for bed, cut her nails and put her pajamas on. Well, she decided that since mommy was going potty she wanted to go potty too.............so after i got her out the tub and dried her off, i let her sit on her potty, she proceeded to play on the potty, then she put her baby on the potty, then she brushed its hair, then she decided since i was indisposed she would run to the other room naked and hide. She eventually came back in the bathroom and walked toward me, i saw her little legs clench and i said,"LIVI SIT ON THE POTTY!" She didnt quite make it and pooped all over the floor. I dont even think she knew what hit her, it really happened fast. She then looked at it and started to cry. She cried, "Yucky, Yucky" and i had to try to console her and get her away from it while i was still on the potty! I finally was able to get up and get her cleaned up and jammies on, then my stomach started hurting again, excrutiating! I doubled over and livi didnt know what to think, she gave me a hug and i put her in bed with some books to read and headed back to the bathroom where i had been 3 times already. I was sitting there just staring at livi's pile of poop on the floor, thinking about how upset she was that she abruptly pooped on the floor. This time i thought i was going to throw up and pass out or just plain die. the only thing i kept thinking was i am going to pass out and fall in livi's poop on the floor and when someone finds us, i'll be laying in livi's poop and she will be running all around tearing everything apart upstairs( she can now get out of her bed, and does frequently)! Thankfully i didnt pass out, but by the time i got back to livi, she was out of her bed and had pulled out all of her books and spread them all over the floor, but i guess i should be thankful, at least she did spread her poop out all over the floor. i finally got her to bed after shooing her away from the bathroom and her poop on the floor several times and bleached the bathroom, washing all the poop from everything. And after six trips to the restroom in 2 hours i feel quite empty and much better :)! I was going to work on some homework/project i have tonight, but i just dont have it in me! Literally! All in all it felt like hell at the time, but its pretty funny looking back on all the poopiness that happened!

Dear Lord........help!

2009-03-11T21:04:00.002-04:00

These past two weeks or so, have been a whirlwind. Before reset began, i must admit, my mindset was different. Maybe it was the fasting, maybe i wasnt as busy, i dont know, but i was refreshed and feeling like i could take on the world. Well, then the world decided to sit on my shoulders.....................
I feel overwhelmed, like i have a whole bunch of junk flying around inside my head and i cant seem to catch any of it to get a handle on things to evaluate what can go or what can stay................

This has been our schedule the past couple of weeks:
Monday - Friday: Katie Work 7:00-4:00ish
Monday night: jimi work at store
Tuesday night: jimi work at store, accountibility meeting with older boys
Wednesday night: quick family dinner:), boys reset with jimi
Thursday night: girls dinner and reset with me
Fridays and saturdays: there is almost always something going on at church or with youth
Sundays: church, sunday night: planning meetings for youth events
And then it starts all over again............
oh and i forgot to mention that grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, lesson plans, and jimis amazon work must get done somewhere in there, so when he isnt doing something outside of the house, he is working on the computer..............

Let me just say that i am super grateful that my daughter gets to spend valuable time with my husband each day and he is home with her, although most days i am jealous and miss her terribly.................. :)
But this busy schedule has got me spinning, we are on opposite planes, yet he says he feels more connected to me and God and life is great for us, which i say maybe for him! ( I told him the reason he feels more connected to me, because i am more involved and supportive in his ministry than i was, but news flash: that doesnt make me feel more connected to him! :) Dont get me wrong, i love being involved, but i need my husband to myself sometimes to feel connected to him:) i need to be a family sometimes: he is a terrific dad and i love playing with him and olivia together. I already gave him up the first two years of my marriage to his ministry. But we wont go there, because that is neither here nor there, now i am just venting. i dont want to make this about him, because its me that is a crazy mess!

i wake up a mess trying to figure out what to do next, i'm constantly running behind ( oh how i hate that feeling) and i want to give more of my energy to my daughter, but energy is difficult to come by these days.....................

i have had some major life choices and decisions laying on my plate for a little while and i dont even have the energy to pick up the fork and chew on them, each day is filled with stuff and i dont have time to think outside of what comes in the next hour........

on the bright side, while livi was napping saturday, i read a couple of chapters in my book and painted my toes............so i guess i cant complain too much

I feel like life is passing me by and i am barely holding on, help me look outside myself!

Dear lord, help me remember to breathe today! :) HELP!

conversation

2009-02-28T00:23:00.003-05:00

I generally enjoy conversation, but i have noticed that if there is no chance of it going any deeper or really getting honest, instead of the polite how are ya, i am disinterested. Am i just rude or does everyone feel that way. Now i can have complete conversations about nothing, or joke around for hours, but i am unable to do that with just anyone. I am able to open up and spill the beans and get to a deeper place in an instant in a conversation with some, but others it is just niceties (is that a word?) and there is no chance of it going any further. I wonder why that is? Is it a defensiveness, is it chemistry, is it trust? OR am i just crazy? Anyway, I say all this to say i have been waiting for a couple of weeks to have a conversation with my husband that involves more than two sentences. Its been a little busy around the bird house (haha) and we have been just missing each other. we pass each other in the doorway basically and many others need him in conversation more than i do. and i have been boiling over with stress and thoughts. I have been exhausted and confused. And tonight he snuck out of the lock in for an hour so we could go grab some dessert and have a conversation (shhhh) Isnt that sweet! Anyway, i finally get my thoughts out and the stress of mulling over it in my head and you know what he says................as much as you talked to me about this, you probably should talk to God about it. You know that is the last thing i wanted to hear and i hate when he turns all pastor on me, but i have to begrudgingly admit that he is probably right. UGH! Did i just say that!? The funny thing is that all through the conversation i kept saying, " i just dont know who to talk to or where to start?" UUHHHH DDUUUHHH...................I also remember saying, i just need someone to sit down and listen to the whole story so i can explain it and trust that its possible...........................
now you may not know what the conversation was about, but everyone can see the irony in all this right?!
Then i went to back to the lock in for a few minutes and sarah w. was going to share her story, so i decided to stay a little bit longer, and i have to say wow, it took me until i was 22 years old to share my story with a sanctuary full of teens and she did as a teen. and i still get crazy nervous speaking in front of anyone over 6 years old. anyway, i was super impressed and it was really cute because she even wrote little notes to refer to to keep her on track. Anyway, she said something that just shot through me. I love that she even said it. She said, Be aware! God uses even the littlest of things, but you have to be aware to notice them, be aware! Another DUH! I love how she told her story because she told about the struggles and trials, but only focused on how grateful she was that God brought her from them and spoke to her through them and that HE made it evident to her that HE hears her.................and listens.........
So is it screaming to you yet? Do you think HE might want me to talk to him, do you think he is going to listen, that he hears, and he is ready to lead as long as i am aware?
So my motto tonight: "Say what you need to say"
Whether it be you saying what you need to say to God, or you saying what you need to say to someone else, or God saying what he needs to say to me, or you,
Just .............."Say what you need to say"
Life is too short not to have conversation...........................

Happiness is......

2009-02-24T20:40:00.002-05:00

So i saw this on a billboard today:
"Happiness is an organized closet" It was an advertisement for the container store. Which i love.........i've been there once and never knew i needed so much organizational stuff until i stepped into the store.
Anyway,
I totally agree, how wonderful, unfortunately i dont have that luxury,being i have very small closets in my very old house.
But, it got me thinking,
someone once explained to me that happiness was outside, but joy was inside. (I know they said it more eloquently than that, but you know, that sums it up)
Anyway, so in my head i started this process:
Happiness is an organized closet, but joy is being loved.
Happiness is a clean house, but joy is loving like you've never loved before.
Happiness is a quiet, uneventful evening, but joy is my daughters laughter.
Happiness is a good dinner, but joy is teaching someone skills they will use a lifetime.
Happiness is a good movie, but joy is feeling a baby kick inside your belly.
Happiness is a routine day ,but joy is a surprise visit by your best friend.
Happiness is a night out, but joy is connecting with a lover.
Happiness is a spring day, but joy is spending a day with my family.

Your turn................

Happiness is..................

Have you met a miracle today?

2009-02-12T22:28:00.002-05:00

So in light of some new circumstances, i have stopped fasting. Though i never understood fasting or the logic behind it. Every other time i have fasted i have come out of it like: why did i do that again? well i decided to participate in this fast because i would be partnering with my husband and to me, as independent as i am, that is important. anything we can do together is great. so the past two weeks have been interesting. Weird things have started happening. I have started having these very vivid weird dreams, alot about school, administrators, and vacations. But in each one i am trying to make someone see my point of view or figure out why someone is doing what they are doing. it's odd and frustrating, because even in my dreams i feel like no one is listening and i am not able to change anything.......weird, right?!
Well these crazy dreams have led me to have weird feelings and pray for weird things ( yes i said pray), and all of a sudden its easy, and comes almost naturally again.
so, a miracle showed up at my door every night this week. We have a new neighbor and she is 10 and her name is miracle. miracle came to the door every night this week to borrow a phone to make phone calls or texts for her mom. she would have notes that she would need to read to the people she called. Every night. Last night she came around dinner time so we invited her in, i asked her if she had eaten and she said yes and made her calls, and left only to return 10 minutes later. she told me that her mom said to tell me that she didnt get her food stamps and she only ate a peanut butter sandwich today. So i made miracle some leftovers and she ate and spent the rest of the evening playing with livi. she then ran home and got a movie and asked if she could watch it, to which i replied no because it is olivia's bedtime. She told me her dvd player is broken, and again i told her it was getting late. while miracle was leaving i told her that if her mom couldnt make dinner tomorrow she was welcome to join us. Of course who showed up at my door again tonight, you guessed it, miracle. she came and asked when we were eating then went to play with friends a couple of houses down. she came back as we finished and wanted to eat. i made her a plate and she ate and i made a plate that she could take to her mom, she came back and played with livi the rest of the evening. As i was telling her it was getting late and about bedtime for livi, she told me she was having a valentine party tomorrow at school and needed snacks, but she didnt have any and asked if she could have some. I didnt have any snacks to give her so she asked to take a box of granola bars from my pantry so i let her. This little girl seems like a nice girl, but her story is kind of sketchy. Now i dont mind feeding the child or giving her a place to play, but i get a little aggravated or nervous when she asks for things. I dont know where it comes from, is her mom telling her to do this? is really hungry or worried about where her next meal will come from? are they just manipulating me? Teaching where i teach, you know the signs and you learn quickly when you are being played. I guess i'm just skeptical, but i cant get it out of my mind, is it because she makes me semi uncomfortable when she asks for things? i will offer her the moon and everything under it and i dont care at all, but when she asks for things it gets under my skin. weird i know. and i am perfectly aware that it is totally not her fault. maybe this is survival for her. i want to help her in any way i can, but i know there needs to be some boundaries, i'm just not sure where they are. the girl has spent hours at my house this week and i have never spoken with or met her mother. this is weird to me, but maybe that is just my set of norms talking. i just get that instinctive weird feeling about it. she does act very much at home here. pray for miracle and her family. i dont know. what do you think?

my tv keeps squealing!!!

anyway,

calling all moms: i am so confused. how can my child be a doll one day and the devil the next? olivia officially has a mind of her own, apparently she knows best and she has learned the word no. monday, we spent some time laying around and just playing together, she was all smiles, helpful and loving. just loving life. the next day she is breathing fire. everything is a fight! everything! fits of NO ensue..................what is going on? i am already exhausted from the day and my patience is thin, very thin and she wants to fight. but when i try to talk to her about it, she doesnt understand, and throws a bigger fit. is this normal? how do you combat this?

and i keep thinking something i am doing or not doing now, is going to harm her as a teen or adult. how do i raise a responsible child?

i have a better question, how do i keep my sanity?

other crazy things that happened this week:
a bed bug crawled up my pant leg at school
we killed two spiders and found out that we have rats. you could say we have a rodent problem at school.

(Singing) Ive got the power!!

2009-02-09T21:28:00.002-05:00

So sunday i was all hopped up on coffee and my mind was thinking a million miles a minute, we talked about God's power. And over and over it was explained that we didnt truly believe in God's power, the same power that raised jesus from the dead is at our fingertips, not even at our fingertips, but inside our hands, feet and hearts. And if we really believed that Gods power was real and within us there is nothing we could not do with just faith the size of a mustard seed. And i kept thinking, i believe in that power.On this crazy journey, I have seen that power first hand..........i have seen it physically when the dead walked again, i have seen it as a small framed white woman made a huge footprint in the inner city, i have seen it through intercessory prayer and discernment of things i never would have known or seen without that power, i have seen demons (crazy as it may sound) i have felt the battles, i have seen miracles and mountains move, almost literally, it is so real, i have sat with my head on his lap and felt my hair being stroked.......................but at this point in my life, it is not the disbelief of the power of god or my faithlessness that i feel is the issue, its the fear. i'm scared of what may be behind that mountain if it moves. i'm terrified that my belief and faith will lead me to a place that i dont want to go, or that power may lead me to a place where i will fail miserably............................So i know that the power of God is more than i could ever imagine and why wouldnt i want to live in that power you ask? FEAR, that's it.

you might find this crazy, but i'm ok with this. i've been so many places emotionally and spiritually, ups and downs, bitter and angry, on top of the world and awful superspiritual, but now and here i am totally ok with my perspective and i'll tell you why....................because.............i am moving and thinking.................there is a lingering hope that wasnt there before, and it is well with my soul.

Whatever my lot, God has taught me to say, IT IS WELL WITH MY SOUL. Remind me to enjoy the journey.

slight vent........

2009-02-04T21:03:00.002-05:00

So I went to school monday and first thing in the morning i get an email from the woman who was running the show on the montessori end for the district, the same person that told me in december that it wasnt going to happen because of our current economic status. So this email states that the committee is getting together and talk about the possibility of a partnership with another childrens organization to bring certified teachers and materials to one of our schools. What? Really? What is this? So in shock and frustration i sit. "Was I just dumped?" So essentially you dont need me, i put my neck on the line, stepped out and put my life on hold to do this, went to california, went back to school and now i am not even involved, didnt even know what was going on??? I think communication is an issue. I guess i now know how it feels to be going out for a promotion and they tell you your a shoe in and then pick someone else because it is more economical, but the way you find out is they are just sitting in your new office one day, (or they changed the locks on the doors-that's for all you friends that wont go away, you know what i am talking about :) so i asked if i could attend the meeting saturday, the "board retreat", where apparently they are going to discuss next steps. It will be the superintendent and the big wigs, but i want to show my face, so they dont forget about me. i just cant believe this, i just cant, i am so fed up with the way of public school. I am fed up with the politics and money and programs that i must teach that i dont agree with or not being able to help my students because it's not in the script, because everyone learns the same way apparently!!! that was sarcastic if you couldnt tell by my tone of typing! :) Last night i laid in bed and cried, i didnt want to get up and go to school today. My low kids are struggling in a reading program that isnt built for them, they have tried for 100 days and its not working, i want to offer them more opportunities and direct activities to mesh with their different learning styles, because they are hitting a wall with this reading program. It is boring, they have to sit and sound out words for an hour by looking at a presentation book, and that is the only way reading is addressed, no enjoyment, just phonics, no hands on materials, and the only way to reteach if they dont get it is to go back and do the same lessons the same way until they get it, which isnt working! I am trying to tell my superiors that something else needs to be done to address their difficulty, but they refuse to listen and want me to go back over and make some adjustments to my fingerlooping technique so the children will hold the sounds longer as they sound out the stupid words while sitting in chairs looking at a presentation book for an hour!!!!AAARRGGGHHH!!!! This is common sense right!?
On top of all of this going on, my children were awful yesterday, i wanted to beat my head against a wall, and most times i had to give in and just laugh at the completely weird and stupid stuff they were doing.................or else i might have just jumped out of the window...............but i'm sure my patience was a little tainted after all this............
Ok......i'm going to let it go................or it will consume me...............

On the up side of things, after i was done crying my eyes out in frustration last night, my husband ever so politely told me that i had to make the best of it, or else my kids would lose one of their only allies. I remember saying quickly in my head, God help, i cant do this. So i went into school this morning thinking that i needed to shape up my attitude and maybe it was me that was corrupt. so i tried to stay positive and my kids were golden, i praised the heck out of those little guys and we had many mini celebrations every time someone did a wonderful job or had a smart brain moment.................and midday, at lunch time, the only time i get to go to the bathroom, i was in the tiny little dark bathroom in the basement and i just quickly said, thank you god, you knew i couldnt be the same another day, i couldnt handle one more crazy, frustrating day, i couldnt have the same attitude and teach my children, and he said, and i think it was semi-sarcastic, i hear you, katie, i really do hear you and i listen, do you know that? and he asked, do you hear me and listen? and i plainly remember saying no. i'm a little afraid to listen, i've always been afraid to listen, what if he tells me something i cant handle, what if he asked me to do something i cant do, what if i fail, and then i just pigeon hole myself and assume i will fail and shut down again.

Do I want to hear you God? I think i do, but then again, my fear says no.................so bend my ear that i might listen without fear.................thanks for today god, i need you and you heard me. But to be quite frank, your still not back on my trust list (by just talking about all my fear, i know you already know that) , i think i need your help with that one too.

Well God, lets see what tomorrow brings, i'll meet you in the bathroom! ha! :)

My 4 snow days..........

2009-01-31T22:02:00.000-05:00

Never in the history of my life have i ever had four snow days and all of them right in a row! Outrageous! Unfortunately there are rumors of them taking them from our spring break,but i dont know. We usually tack the time onto the end of the day and just make our days longer, but that sucks, 7:45-3:00 is already long enough for 5 year olds! But i am almost positive they wont put them at the end of the year because they must must must make up that lost time BEFORE testing or else the world will end and our children will explode at test time, or at least that is how it seems. There is sooooo much emphasis on testing that i know longer am allowed to teach authentically or use applied assessments, but everything must be written in the form of a standardized test and the only thing i have time to teach my kids is how to respond on a test. Even in kindergarten, we must have multiple choice and open response questions for everything we teach. And i must follow the formula to teach them how to respond. Now i understand the government makes these tests so significant and the only thing our district can do to survive in the state is teach the test, but i truly and honestly believe they are going about it the wrong way. Instead of teaching kindergartens testing skills or just enough knowledge to spit it back out in the manner they want to hear it, they should start from the beginning and let the children learn concretely, through their development and emphasize hands on, applied learning and then maybe they would be able to apply what they have learned and respond appropriately on a test! Maybe their lack of background knowledge and experience because of their economic status or transient nature also hinders them and we should provide a rich education for them to be able to compete with the wealthier schools that have support coming out their ears! Maybe it is not about just what i teach and following a formula, but knowing each child and supporting them in their explorations of the world and providing a safe and educationally rich place to do that. I admit we have the odds stacked against us most days, but Mr. kentucky government, you cant keep taking away our funding! We already are overworked and underpaid, dont take programs aways from our needy kids, dont start taking from the kids too!! We are used to having things cut, but when you start taking from the kids, then you are going to get very unhappy teachers.

Wow that took a turn I didn’t expect! I wasn’t planning on writing all that, sorry for the tangent.

Anyway, so over these four days I have figured out why I cant keep up with my house cleaning, because it is an absolute full time job to clean up after my daughter and my husband. Since I already have a full time job, I don’t feel so bad now about never feeling like I could keep up with my housework! I have mopped the floors everyday, swept everyday, cleaned the bathroom, cleaned toys, cleaned the kitchen, etc. etc. etc. Just keeping up with the trail of stuff my daughter and my husband leave behind is crazy, and they are home all day! The plus side, is I was home to cook all three meals a day, so I was doing a lot of dishes too, but I could make sure my family was eating well, (and I wasn’t worried about what jimi was feeding Olivia) and it was a lot of fun! Thanks for all the wonderful recipes tracy!

So I got to spend a lot of time in my kitchen this week, and by the sound of things you would think I had never used an over before. You just gotta hear this……….So I was preparing to make some fruit pizza for dessert on Wednesday, I preheated the oven and went on preparing the fruit, then I noticed that my oven was smoking and giving off into a strange odor. I opened the oven door thinking my oven was broken, but instead I saw melting plastic, I had forgotten I had stored some large plastic bowls inside my oven! And they were now a puddle of goo! It was a mess and the house was filled with smoke! Livi and I bundled up and opened the doors and windows and tried to clean up. Needless to say, I now have a unusable wire rack. Do they sell oven racks individually, because I’m going to need a new one.

So that was incident number one…………yep, you guessed it, there’s more……… ☺ So Friday morning I was making some eggs for breakfast, I put the burner on warm while I was serving them to jimi and Olivia and I guess I didn’t return the pan to the burner, but we were all sitting down eating in the dining room when jimi said, “Do you smell that?” I didn’t smell anything, but he said he thought something was burning and then livi goes ooooooooo, I looked in the kitchen and saw a fire on the stove! Apparently, jimi had put a towel on top of the stove and the burner was still on so the towel went up in flames! So then I was stuck cleaning up ashes from the burning towel.

I felt so stupid, I promise I do cook and I do know how to use an oven! ☺

And another plus about my unexpected time off, stuck in the house, is that I got to spend it with Olivia. Now she wont leave me alone, since daddy works most of the time, it was just her and I and we had a blast, and now she is used to all mommy’s attention, I’m afraid she is going to have trouble transitioning back to daddy next week! She has been a complete mommy’s girl!

I’m afraid of what I am going to walk into on Monday, but I’m excited about what the next couple of weeks might bring. But it’s late and I’m hungry, so I am going to get a snack, make some superbowl snacks, and head to bed eventually!

Here's my 25......

2009-01-30T00:20:00.001-05:00

i never do these because i dont usually have time to think that much, but with 4 snow days, i had some time..............so here you go...............
1. my full name is Kathryn, I was named after my great grandma. My daughter is named for both of her great grandmas.

2. I don’t scare easy. I love love love horror movies. I love blood and guts! I think I should have been a nurse!

3. i met my husband when i was 15. He has been one of my best friends since. But we only dated a few months before we were engaged.

4. i have a beautiful little girl and I overanalyze what kind of mother I am and constantly worry about her development and raising a responsible child.

5. i loved being pregnant, I miss feeling the baby kick inside my belly.

6. i love to eat out! it can become an addiction. but i dont do it nearly as much as i used to. I like to cook too, as long as I have a good recipe and a plan.

7. i have always thought I was fat.

8. i love to be outdoors, it is my sanctuary.

9. i like cars, I know how to drive a stick and prefer it. I like being able to talk about cars. I like learning how they work. I also like riding in cars. Road trips with the windows down!

10. i have a girl crush on Jennifer love Hewitt and a man crush on wrestler John Cena. I asked my husband last week if he could be my freebie. ☺

11. I have never broken a bone .

12. i love to dance. I do so on a daily basis. My daughter loves it!

13.my husband and I hang out with teenagers a lot. (He is a youth pastor) It keeps me young! I hope and pray that my experiences can help them as they go through these strange years of their life.

14. i've always worked with children. i teach kindergarten. i love what i do and only put up a fight to make it better.

15. i miss college on a daily basis. :) aahhhhhhhh….simple days..

16. if you offer me chocolate, i cant say no. (SO don’t offer me chocolate! ☺)

17. i love watching tv, i love veging out and forgetting about my life for an hour or two.

18. i was an art major before i landed in education. I still find painting therapeutic and expressive.

19. My grandma and grandpa are my favorite people in the world. Married for 60 years last year.

20. i am an hgtv junkie. I have a home improvement to do list a mile long so my husband keeps threatening to take away cable. He is so not a handy manny.

21. I have never worried about money, I just assume it will be there. ☺

22. i know when to say "no." if there is something I don’t want to do. i'm actually very good at it.

23. i am honest. i cant lie to save my life. But I have a great bullcrap radar. So don’t lie to me, I see right through you!

24. I am currently reading, “the shack” and it has moved mountains in my life.

25. I love my husband more today than I did the day we were married.

it takes time.........

2009-01-25T08:24:00.003-05:00

Through life i have been through alot of crap, since i was young the church and i didnt seem to get along, i have always loved the people in it, well most of them :), but i didnt necessarily agree with all the doctrine and decrees and ways of doing things. I met my very best friends at church (the friends that wont go away!) :) and i have met the people i have hated the most in that very same place (i know i am not supposed to say hate, especially about god's people, but they are the ones that have deeply hurt me) With all that said, i dont remember the last time i have been comfortable in a church. I remember trying to fit in at oak, but they were typical church people, though most masked themselves as accepting, loving followers. I remember trying to fit in at college, going from church to church, but never finding somewhere to call home. So i just joined the ministry teams and traveled church to church serving in various creative ministries living the good life that never got stale, i never had to sit in a pew. Since i was a teen i was always serving. As a teen i worked with the preschoolers, as a collegiate i worked with youth and various other creative ministries, it was when i got married that i started viewing ministry as a burden, or maybe it was just the church we were serving in that made it such a burden. That mindset has been tough to change, but i have set out on the long journey to a new perspective. It has been years since i have felt at home, within myself, within my home and within the church. My anger and bitterness exaggerated the negative aspects of the life of ministry and marriage and buried me in an even deeper hole. I say all of this to say, that i feel like i am finally somewhere where i can love, learn and grow. It has taken a great amount of time to get there and patience from everyone around me, which i thank you for, but i feel like my worldview is shifting just alittle bit. I think it may come from being not so stressed out with school and worry too! :) I have been able to enjoy my little family and reflect on what's important, i have been able to be a little bit more hands on in my husbands ministry along with balancing my own mission with being a reflection of God to my children at school and help those needy little hands know that anything is possible. I have to keep my mission center stage, which is so difficult with the demands of current public education and a new superintendent. Anyway, like i said in a few posts ago, FINALLY.

Finally i have found a place of loving patience, where they may want to shake me and say, "you need to get over it and get on with it girl!" but they dont, they let me gradually find my place. I dont know if i found my place there at church, but i know i am closer than i was, and i like it there, i like the people, they are not pretentious and they respect my husband. They do not demand his every minute(not like they have to, because they already have it) and trust his vision and with that came the fruit of that trust and vision combined. The kids!!!

I'm a little scared to even speak good words, for fear i might be eating them soon there after, but i'm going to risk it and say i'm finally in a good place, in a good church with a genuine heart. That is something i believe in, as the body, there must be heart, and it must have a strong beat to survive, not a lot of people, not alot of money, not the newest, nicest things, but a strong heart beat and i hear and feel it there, almost audibly. Each week i feel a little bit more, the numbness fades a little bit more and here i am starting to let my heart bleed on my sleeve and somehow it feels good.

i'm not sure if i am even doing it justice, but know, for all you old friends (the ones that wont go away) I will never be the same as i used to be, but i am not as bitter as i was, i am new. i am not sure what that means.
And for the youthers, i love you, you feel like home. Dont take that the wrong way, but you are my school kids in 10 years. My kids are you as 4 and 5 year olds. I wasnt built for church work, church kids, not my thing, so i am soooo excited that you are not church kids and you are who you are and i love you. I cant wait to spend more time with you and hopefully get to know you girlies a little more through the new reset small group. yes yes, i'm actually going to be back leading a small group, and i'm excited!

so for now i'll stop, for fear of ruining my reputation of being tough!
HA!

i love this book.....

2009-01-20T21:15:00.002-05:00

so i've been really tired lately, some of it is because i just cant go to bed at night because i cant put down this book. i think i am the last one to read it, but i love it. (BTW shakira sings really weird, watching the inauguration ball as i type this) Anyway, distraction. (is she really playing the harmonica??? sorry, i'm turning it off) Well, where was i ...........oh yeah............i love "The Shack." I'm about midway through, where he meets God.................as a large african american woman, now i could probably guess this is controversial to many, but i love it. what a brilliant portrayal. somewhere i heard "God is everything to everyone" and doesnt that say it all. he took the form of this woman to break any stereotypes, or religious conditioning and meet him at a completely unbiased point of view considering his baggage with his earthly father. Yet God, even though in the image of a woman, was still Papa. Because whose visuals of God arent white and male? i know mine are. How crazy to think out of the box, i love this book because it makes me think and question again, in a good way, not in a sinical (spelling??)way, but in an" I really have to think this through" way. How beautiful i find the image and the words when the God says: "IF i choose to appear to you as a man or a woman, it's because i love you." Doesnt that just scream: I'm going to meet you where you are, I am reachable, and you are precious to me! Anyway, to say the least i am enjoying the dialogue in the book, and yes, yes, people i know it is fiction.

This pierced me. A conversation between Mack and God:
"Dont ever think my son that what my son chose to do didnt cost us dearly. Love always leaves a significant mark," she stated softly and gently. "We were there together."
Mack was surprised. "At the cross? Now wait. I thought you left him-you know-'my god, my god, why hast thou fosaken me?"It was a scripture that had often haunted Mack in THE GREAT SADNESS.
"You misunderstood the mystery there. Regardless of what he felt at that moment, I never left him."
"How can you say that? you abandoned him just like you abandoned me!"
"Mackenzie, I have never left him, and I have never left you."
"That makes no sense to me," he snapped.
"I know it doesnt, at least not yet. Will you at least consider this: When all you can see is your pain, perhaps then you lose sight of me?"
(KPV:katiepointofview: Wow, i've been there and that makes so much sense! It is so commonsense right?!)
God:
"Dont forget, the story didnt end in his sense of forsakenness. He found his way though it to put himself completely into my hands. Oh, what a moment that was!"

My hope is that my story doesnt end in my sense of forsakenness.
I'm feelin the love a little bit, and its a good day to feel some love, because the love and unity today in this new era and new presidency is amazing. It's electrifying right now and i'm sure it will die down soon. But it is such a special day in our history and for the people of the US. My children even feel it, its like some of the hurdles in front of them have been knocked down and there is no excuses now. They can finally look and see someone that looks like them up there and they have a relatable connection with a hope and a power that ring in their ears, you can do anything, set your dreams high, because anything is possible. Whether you can agree with his politics or not, you can agree with that! :) We are writing letters to President Obama, and they drew a picture of him in one part of the letter today, you should see their pictures! I love it!

See how quick the topic turns............ :)

Again, Speaking off topic: LOST premiere tomorrow! I'm counting down! Come join the LOST premiere party! You know it, another late night!!

i love food......

2009-01-16T22:25:00.002-05:00

i'm not ashamed nor am i shy to say that i love to eat, i love love love food. I used to be pretty good about exercise and keeping up a semi decent diet. Well since olivia was born my diet has gone downhill and my exercise routine is almost non existent. I worked out once this week.....whoa what's that gonna do right?! And of course, my husband's bad habits tend to rub off on me because i have no willpower and he is a fast food junkie. And now that i am no longer thinking of being a student and stressed out completely with homework on top of my schoolwork, i have a little bit more time to think about being healthy. i'm so unhappy with my body and how it feels and looks, but i must not be that unhappy if i am not motivated to change it, right? i dont know. i need to get organized. I usually try to plan dinners ahead of time, but i will let you know, i hate going to the grocery store and my husband refuses to go with me, so he will only go pick up a couple of things late at night. So planning most days comes to: what do we have in the house?" then i come home from work and i am super tired and dont really feel like thinking or cooking. So i figure i need to be super organized and prepared with a menu in hand and ingredients that i can reuse on other nights. So i need some easy, healthy recipes and suggestions to get organized. HELP, i love food, i hate being fat, i want to exercise, what do i do?

Ministry...........

2009-01-10T01:44:00.002-05:00

A friend of a friend recently asked me: "So what's it like being a youth pastors wife?" I wont tell you what i said, considering people have used things i have written on my blog to incriminate me in the past, but I will tell you how i feel about my husband's ministry. I am so proud of my husband. I know i have said this before, but he is so loyal, compassionate and driven with a vision. My man is a man of integrity and has always had a big heart for God to fill with his visions and dreams of greatness. Though he has always worked toward this greatness, things have not always turned out so great and he always puts his heart and soul into everything he does. disappointment would come it didnt turn out as well as it could or we would try to to see the positives through all the hard work that didnt seem to pay off. Well, finally, he is starting to see some fruits from his efforts. During new years, he had a 40 hour lockin with 80 different kids throughout the two days and 5 baptisms the second night's service. This week the social worker from the high school called him out of the blue to thank him for his work with the kids and the lock in, saying that the kids could not stop talking about how great it was and how they found a place they feel at home. He also got another random call to help set up a teen back to school bash to give free backpacks and supplies to help with the need in the community, because they heard he was doing good things with the teenagers in Norwood. Not to mention the constant texts ( yes, this generation does not talk on the phone at all, they text!) from kids who are saying how much they appreciate him and all they are learning from God or asking the serious questions. These are kids who do not go to church, who havent been in church! The small group is growing to a big group and 5th quarter parties are always crowded. I love my husband and i am so excited for him that all his efforts are paying off. But with all of this growth and greatness, our greatest concern is that someone will slip through the cracks. There are sooooooo many needs and they need a good adult role model to bounce their thoughts off of or someone to just be there and care about what they are going through. But my husband is just one. Thank you God for your faithfulness, but bring some faithful ones alongside to carryout your great mission and provide for ALL of your children.
All in all, i am shocked, stunned and stand in awe of what is going on. I am so overwhelmed at the same time. And the only word that comes to mind is: FINALLY.
We are in our own community and he is connecting and making a difference, a big difference. i cant describe how i feel, maybe grateful and proud of my wonderful husband and all of his work. Even though i complain that we dont get much time together as a couple or a family, he is doing what he loves, is passionate about and he is doing, and making a difference in this community. Working on his legacy!
Vision is becoming tangible. You gotta love that!

Autopilot

2009-01-05T21:09:00.002-05:00

Have you ever drove home, got there, and wondered if you ran any red lights and you cant remember how you got there? about a month and half ago i found a new way to come home from school through town, and i like it, its different and a little quicker, not as many lights, you know the important stuff, because when you drive the same route everyday, you analyze these things, well at least i do. Anyway, so about 3 times, i automatically went the old route and didnt even realize where i was and what i was doing until i was almost on the highway. Then it was like i just woke up, and i was like, where am i and why did i go this way, did i run any red lights? Autopilot. Automatic autopilot. I cant believe i can be so unconscious while doing something so important. And of course it got me thinking, how scary to go through life on autopilot. And be that the trend for me this year thus far is reflection, i started thinking about the past year. i was so caught up in the "busy" that i was living without thinking, reflecting and most times even feeling. I hate that. I admit the past year has been completely busy trying to go to school, teach school, be a good mom wife friend etc. etc. but that is no excuse to live without thinking. Life is fleeting, it hits home more today than ever as we deal with the passing of a friend. What a wonderful short life she had and her legacy will live on. So my reflective mode lives on as i reflect on my own life and the legacy i want to leave, and you cant leave a legacy on autopilot, only with much thought, reflection and refinement can we be who God made us to be and be better than we are, the best version of ourselves. I'm going to stop now, because i am starting to sound like a self help book! Be in the moment today, then at the end of the day reflect what those moments brought!

Olivia's journal

2009-01-01T23:58:00.002-05:00

I used to journal alot, I mean like everyday! I cant remember the last time i wrote or journaled. In this new year i want to begin a new journal. An olivia journal. I am taking the idea from my friend erin, who writes to her unborn little boy on her blog (thanks erin!), and from a mom who had cancer who knew she would not be around to watch her daughter grow up. i think, even though i am not currently dying (that i know of), this is a great idea anyway. What a wonderful thing for her to have as she grows, reflections and words of wisdom (maybe:) from her mother. And hopefully give me, as her mother, an outlet to reflect upon life, our interactions and how much i love and cherish my little girl. It could even be a way to teach her to pray, considering my journals were prayer journals. So i think this might be a step in the direction of being a better mother in 2009.
I was driving home from my grandma's house this evening with livi in the backseat almost asleep. She had played and ran around with her cousin Ayla all evening. Ayla was being pretty mean at points in the evening, but being that she is not my daughter and she is 2 and 1/2 years old there wasnt much i could do, because livi wanted to follow her and do whatever she did. i had some conversations with Ayla but of course it didnt change much of her brattiness. Driving home, i was reflecting on what i saw that evening, remembering the evening, what i could say to livi in those situations as she gets older to help her stand up for herself but at the same time be respectful and not bully. i reflected on life with my grandma and how much time i used to spend with her when i was little. My grandmas had many grandchildren, but she always made me feel special. She is one of my favorite people in the world. My grandma lived right down the street when i was little, so i spent many days, "going to grandma's". (sidenote: isnt weird how it is always grandmas house and grandpa always gets left out, but he lives there too) anyway, i learned alot from my grandma, she invested in me. I want to invest in my livi, and make sure she knows her family loves her, especially her mother. I never truly appreciated my family until i grew up and had my own. And some of my writings olivia may not appreciate until she gets older, but i hope it is something she cherishes throughout her life.
well, i have published my goal of journaling frequently, so hopefully my idea wont fall away and i will be able to accomplish my goal. i love you livi, more than you will ever know.

my 2009 theme song.......

2009-01-01T23:36:00.001-05:00

What you got if you ain't got love
the kind that you just want to give away
It's okay to open up
go ahead and let the light shine through
I know it's hard on a rainy day
you want to shut the world out and just be left alone
But don't run out on your faith

'Cause sometimes that mountain you've been climbing is just a grain of sand
What you've been up there searching for
forever is in your hands
When you figure out love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
seem so small

It's so easy to get lost inside
a problem that seems so big at the time
it's like a river thats so wide
it swallows you whole
While you sit around thinking about what you can't change
and worrying about all the wrong things
time's flying by
moving so fast
you better make it count 'cause you can't get it back

Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing is just a grain of sand
What you've been up there searching for
forever is in your hands
When you figure out love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
Seem so small

Goodbye 2008

2009-01-01T00:22:00.002-05:00

In 2008, my little girl celebrated her first birthday and magically went from baby to toddler way too fast
In 2008, i looked to get out of my current job situation, but decided to give it one more year
In 2008, I changed my mind about my job situation and decided to look at another option, being montessori, and go back to school again
I jumped in with both feet excitedly
In 2008, the rug was pulled out from under me and now i am stuck again in my current job situation, doing things i dont agree with
In 2008, i started to attend church semi frequently and started to become semi comfortable where i am
In 2008, my husband became heavily invested in the youth of norwood through grace church and his loyalty to his vision makes me proud and disappointed at the same time, for he is doing so much good, though it takes alot of his time and energy and something that i dont feel very much apart of
In 2008, i watched friends fall in love, get married, have babies, lose babies, go through trials, but never lose their footing
in 2008, i got stressed out
in 2008, I missed spending time with my friends, but spent alot of time with my family
In 2008, i found more favorite tv shows
In 2008, i painted three rooms in my house (with help)
in 2008, i wanted to organize my house, but never could tackle the task
in 2008, I listened to more country music than ever and missed college (ahh simple days)
in 2008, we discussed when to grow our family
In 2008, my husband planned a whole weekend around my birthday, showing me he thinks about me
In 2008, i gained 4 pounds
In 2008, I meet Jesse and his wife at the airport, it was completely special to me
in 2008, I ignored my spiritual struggles
In 2008, i am still in debt for two degrees and thinking about going to school again?? really ......really........seriously??!
In 2008, i love my husband more than the year before and less than i will next year
In 2008, i did not vote (ssshhhhh! dont tell)and was so annoyed that i didnt care
In 2008, my cat brought a dead mouse to bed with him ( in my bed!!)
In 2008, I didnt want to be involved
In 2008, I sit here on my couch as the new year turns yet another year.......kiss kiss tiger, at least my cat is here to share it with me! ha!
In 2009, I hope to be a better wife, mother, teacher, lover (that one's for you honey! ha!), daughter, listener, friend, and prayerer (not a word, but i couldnt think of a better one)
I want to follow my heart and be more aware, I want to leave a legacy starting now. I just have to decide what legacy i want to leave and continue my journey. My journey seems to be never ending but ever changing. So its time to take out the trash!
More thoughts on 2009..........later...........

surprise!

2008-12-29T16:19:00.002-05:00

Well i was played the fool, because not only did my husband know about the surprise party we through him for his bday, but others knew that he knew about the surprise. So needless to say i was played this time. If only someone would have told me he already knew it wouldnt been so tough sneaking around and scheming. OH well.............thanks to all who helped out in the planning, set up and the trying to keep it a secret. I am glad so many got to share in the experience, but i was expecting some more rotten stories and jokes about him. OH well ..................it was a success and i hope everyone had a good time.

What kind of plan is this?

2008-12-13T21:51:00.002-05:00

So the economy is bad right............now i get it! I had thought long and hard about going back to school and pursuing a different credential, a Montessori credential. And i was enjoying it and completely excited about the decision and the opportunities that lay ahead. My district was even going to pay for my classes.......sshhhh................it was my light in a dark place..............and what i thought was a perfect opportunity. And then the rug got pulled from under me..............sorry no money and apparently all the businesses that we usually rely on for grants are not giving because of the economy and the district is taking cuts from the state, so all around our financial outlook is not good, therefore we are not going to pursue a new program ................ugh! So now what.................i'm stuck, and have to go back to putting up with the crap that i put up with, with no light in the future..........what to do, what to do................i guess i can celebrate not having to cram in anymore classes and we can work on another baby! But can i deal professionally and continue to do things that i dont agree with and feel are not the best practices for my children?

Eli Stone

2008-11-11T23:03:00.004-05:00

You may not have crazy visions like Eli Stone, but what if we followed like he did? Maybe Eli has a heightened sense of discernment. But maybe if we all paid attention to the divine movement around us, being visions, discernment, other's words, an inner voice or our own instincts we too could make a difference. Eli Stone, though viewed by most as crazy, has completely turned his life and the life of others he not only works for, but those he works with upside down. Nothing is black and white. Thank you Eli Stone for being my (crazy as it sounds) heartwarming inspiration. I'm starting to sound like my husband, comparing the spiritual to a television show! Gotta love it!

My girl!

2008-11-03T22:24:00.003-05:00

Love it! Hate it!

2008-11-03T21:24:00.003-05:00

Can i tell you just how annoyed i am about the election! I dont even care anymore who wins! I am convinced that know one is going to actually carry through with their promises and i am so tired of the awful commercials. I am tired of people, high and mighty, fighting because their canidate is the only way. Their was an obama rally on campus today and the crowd coming from the rally as i was going to class was crazy. the whole joe the plumber thing is a waste and the throwing punches and slinging words has got to stop. I say that as a punishment and for the service of our country that both of them should have to work together. Instead of us choosing one, show us how we can really be bipartisan and work together. They should be co-presidents and have to sit in a room until they figure things out and come to a compromise that will be the best for our country in every decision they have to make. I'm am so done with this election!!!
On a lighter side, i'm off for two days because of it! I caught up on some of my school work and went to observe at another school this morning. so it feels good to have time to get some stuff done.
We had a great halloween, livi had a good time and got lots of candy, and of course, looked so cute in her costume.
Can i tell you something else. Let me tell you how supportive my husband has been. I could not make it without him and recently i have had those "i'm not going to make it" thoughts. But he has not once rolled his eyes or got upset about my crazy busy schedule, but instead realized that we are now in the same boat. so he works with me so nicely and ever so gently. God love him! and so do i!
I'm so proud of him! He always puts his heart and soul in everything he does, especially in ministry. and he has built these terrific relationships with these kids and has been there for them every step of the way. The students were so excited about the lock in on halloween night and over 40 kids came that night. Alot of kids spent time in the prayer room and you can see them taking those steps in faith. Its encouraging for anyone but amazing encouragement for him. I'm so glad he is starting to see those fruits for his relentless efforts. He was made for this and lives for it. He makes an impact wherever God puts him.
oh and other news...........my district said they would find the money to pay for my schooling! hip hip hooray! because i honestly cannot afford it, i can barely afford to finish this last class without going into debt. And in other news, my car is dead yet again!! What should i do? I have never had a car die so much, should i look into buying a new one? or keep putting up with the one i have.
and life goes on..................and pumpkin cheesecake from the cheesecake factory is amazing ( maybe i should get paid for product advertisement!)
We have been talking about my favorite verses in church these past couple of weeks...........it makes me smile when i hear them and somewhat reminiscent, but yet hopefully for the present...................you cannot help but feel magnificent when you hear or read these..............and if you dont feel magnificent, let me read them to you, then you will ! :)
Ephesians 3:14-21
14For this reason I kneel before the Father, 15from whom his whole family[a] in heaven and on earth derives its name. 16I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
20Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

Roll around in that for awhile! Get all covered with its sugar. Chew on it, really sink your teeth in it! Its good stuff, you wont even need to eat that halloween candy after that sweetness! You know it! (Why is it always about food with me?!)

That's all i got to say about that!

crazy life

2008-10-28T21:49:00.002-04:00

So i'm hopping on a plane to california in two weeks, can you say what??!! Getting away from my stressful school environment for a little while. My district is sending me to the American Montessori Conference. Crazy! I have been so overwhelmed and busy, but i truly believe all of this work now will benefit my family later. I'm excited and scared and crazy all at the same time. All this learning is overloading my brain! And that my friends is why i watch tv............i get to be in another world for a little while. sweet joy! Eli Stone is on! Love it!

2008-10-10T22:41:00.002-04:00

so for the first time in i dont know how long, my family, yes all three of us, were in the same room for hours playing together last sunday, and i cried it was soooooo nice. It was then i remembered why i have olivia and why i wanted a family. Busyness subsided and life was beautiful. There were no thoughts of something i had to do, fix or clean. i just enjoyed having my husband and little girl present at the same time and playing together. And i keep hearing that it is good to have dates with your husband, spend time together and such. maybe for christmas our schedules will align! :)

I survived!

2008-09-30T22:19:00.002-04:00

I have survived the last two days, the busiest days ever! I just indulged in a new and old episode of 90210 and loved every minute of it and made some crazy connections!! Look at what excites me these days!!

I dont usually do this............but please pray.......

2008-09-28T21:23:00.002-04:00

i have an unusual heavy feeling................unlike any i have had in quite a while.............maybe it is all finally getting to me and taking over, maybe it is a warning, maybe it just a way to get me to reach out and ask for help...............i dont know
But this is what i do know....................i had a really hard time putting livi to bed tonight, not because she was being feisty, just because i didnt want to leave her side, i could shake the feeling that i wasnt going to see her again. even now i sit on my couch and i desperately want to go wake her up so i can be with her, i desperately want to be right next to her all night............i just have this heavy feeling...............it wont go away........maybe because i know i wont see her tomorrow.......i will admit i have had a frustrating weekend, with the sudden uncalled for church rivalry that makes my blood boil, (really! is ministry now a competition. i guess that is how real christians act, only look out for themselves and compete for who is has the best religion or church, forget coming together and actually having an impact on a community??!! apparently division is the only impact some desire.) side note speal.................so sorry, still fresh....................anyway, and then all weekend i have had the opportunity to talk about my profession, and that also makes my blood boil these days(see previous entry), and another teacher and i sat down this morning and talked and apparently i am not the only one who feels this way, unfortunately she is in my district, so i dont know whether this grief extends beyond my district or not...........maybe everyone else is just peachy keen and actually get to teach children and get treated as professionals with ideas and opinions, i dont know.....................so realizing today as we were talking that my paradigm is shifting and i didnt even know it, i used to be the biggest supporter and fan of public education, even wanting to bring olivia to school with me when she is in kindergarten, but now i dont, i'm not sure what i feel about this system i work for and i am disillusioned..............maybe this disenchantment is meant to push me towards the door and into montessori, but i feel like this is my last opportunity in this district, if this doesnt change things, if i am still not able to do what i think is best for children, i guess i will have to say my goodbyes.....................and that is sad, because i love those children, i loved that part of town and i am there because i was called to be there...............................
anyway....................back to my bad feeling..............well.........i think i have identified where it is coming from maybe.......................
tomorrow is going to be a hell of a day.............i have a meeting with what could be an unruly parent tomorrow morning before school, what a way to start the day, we are testing all week starting tomorrow, booklet tests with 26 kindergartners, ugh, i have a meeting directly after school with our schools business partner where i want to propose they give me money to organize and implement a family literacy night for kindergarten promoting early literacy and empowering parents to work with their children at home by teaching them some techniques we use at school, then provide them with materials to do it in the form of literacy bags, alot to ask i know but i am excited about the prospect.............then i have to make it to class by 5:00, which i highly doubt and i am there until 8:30 and if i somehow get another undeserved parking ticket i will cry and probably throw things! :) All that in one day............am i going to make it to Tuesday? Tuesday night i have a meeting at the board of ed. about the transition to Montessori and hopefully will get alot of my questions answered, or get fired for being honest.........hhhhmmmmm................i think at this point i would be ok with either! :)
So please i am desperately seeking prayer, if you are reading this and its monday, text me and see if i am still alive and then say a prayer for me please. I cant do this alone. My worldview is constantly changing these days and that leaves me a little uneasy. Please pray..............and then pray again.................and then pray some more..................
Well ...........i feel a little bit better getting that all out.............thank you for reading my madness, deep inside i guess i am a drama queen, i so hate it! love yous, dont forget to pray!

2008-09-27T14:31:00.003-04:00

Instead of rolling with the punches, i feel like i've been getting socked in the jaw, the gut and altogether knocked out sometimes. It blows me away. If only i didnt care so much i might not be so bothered by the punches thrown. I swear i have eaten my weight in chocolate already this year. and i dont doubt if my blood pressure is up. every friday i come home hot under the collar, if you will. i just want to teach children, i care about children, i care about my children, i want to help them love to learn, i want to help them survive and thrive in life, i want them to know that they can achieve and do whatever they want to do in life and that each of them are made with a purpose and are unique and special.I want to empower them by building a good foundation of education. Why cant i just do my job, the job i thought i was hired for! Why does everything else have to get in the way, it is starting to wear on me. I could go on and on and on, but i wont i will spare you my soap box speech. all i have to say is DAMN the GOVERNMENT, and the hierarchy of powers that be, they should never blame us if education is failing, but blame themselves for failing education! UGH!!!!

My livi...........playing dress up already

2008-09-25T21:34:00.003-04:00

The important things............

2008-09-20T23:08:00.002-04:00

What a week...........after my shocking friday (my best work buddy got dismissed surprisingly and my car wouldnt start when i tried to leave school) life glimmers again. After much worry, i talked to my friend today and he seems to e hopeful about his path at this point, which is great, considering he struggles with depression some days and i was afraid this would send him so low. But talking with him, he is seeing this as an opportunity and a message from God. And most of us know that sometimes it takes hurt and heartache to get our attention for God to get us out of a situation that we wouldnt get out of on our own (i.e. oak harbor). Anyway, i'm going to miss him greatly at work, but i hope this brings him better opportunities and happiness in life, because it has been a struggle lately.
Also..............tonight, livi reminded me why i do what i do. Lately livi has been in complete toddler mode: throwing short tantrums, telling me no, making her body go limp when i try to pick her up, and running from me................it seems that she is always running from me whether she is playing or really running from me....anyway, tonight after she whined and cried until i had to take her home from the bonfire (10 minutes after we got there), i gave her a bath and got her ready for bed. Recently, she has wanted to cuddle up in my bed and read a story and be tickled before she goes to bed. So i put her pajamas on and she headed to my bedroom. I put her up on the bed where she falls back in the pile of pillows and sinks under the covers, she grabs a book and starts to babble, reading it to me. We take turns reading the book and she grabs the book and jerks it up hitting me in the eye with the corner of the book. I could not help my eyes welling up with tears and i turned over on my side away from her. She peaks over my shoulder and i turned back over. she is just maybe an inch from my face on the pillow looking into my eyes and babbling. She then puts her arms around my neck and gives me the biggest hug i have ever received from her, she proceeded to go" aawwww" and give me three open mouth kisses as we both giggled. I then was crying with joy and awe and love for my little girl. i got her up and carried her to bed as she hugged me the whole way. A hug from livi is rare, and i was lucky enough to get one and it made my week and reminds me that life is worth it, and that my daughter does love me. I live for those moments. i cant wait until she can say it! How funny this life is................

seriously !!

2008-09-15T00:02:00.002-04:00

Seriously, did you just see how i wrote a totally long blog about not having any time! When i just spent all that time writing that blog! oh well i didnt have to go to bed since i had no school and i desperately needed an outlet!! why am i justifying it to myself! what am i doing?! :) I have officially lost it people, call the crazy house and let them know i'm comin!!!

Breaking point.....

2008-09-14T22:59:00.003-04:00

Here i am frazzled and crazed. It's amazing how quickly emotions can change. Maybe its PMS, and no i am not using that as an excuse but since olivia came along my hormones go raging every month, maybe they did before and i didnt notice it, i dont know..................anyway, the week before last and even parts of last week i was able to get a handle on everything and feel somewhat in control of this life.................i felt confident about my choice to further my education and i felt good about my career and that it would compliment my life as a mother, i felt good with where i stand spiritually and i grasp the fact that i am where i am and i like where i am...................i am free to create my journey with God any way i want to at this point, i am free to grow and learn and sit if i want to and just revel in each moment of each day................the feelings of despair and hopelessness and drama washed away and my heart grew just a little bit softer feeling comfortable about where i am in life and my relationship with my creator............i was excited about the revolve tour and taking the next step to put myself out there and get to know the student girls by spending the weekend with them...............hoping i could learn from them and hoping i might be able to share my plethora of life experiences with them...........which i did have tons of fun and loved being with them...........then...........
it all comes CRASHING DOWN....................
When i got home last night............immediately there were pjs to be put on, a house to be cleaned and a husband gone to work on church stuff for the next day who i didnt see until church this morning, not knowing if he ever came home...................and i admit its always hard coming home from conferences and spiritual retreats...............but i cracked and broke under the pressure............
I think this week jimi and i were in the same room for maybe an hour tops...........for the whole week!!!Between his work schedule, computer work, and ministry, and me teaching and going to school and the countless other things we have to do just to keep life going, it is crazy.................and i completely understand that everyone has busy weeks, but this has been a busy month and there is no stopping in sight...............and i dont think i would be so apprehensive if i hadnt seen this all before..............
I admire his heart and all he does in ministry, but i get frightened when i see the same patterns repeating themselves, if we never left oak, we wouldnt have olivia or a house or probably a good relationship, because when he was there it was his life and consumed everything and that is when we didnt have a house or a child...................i'm afraid if that happens again i will die of exhaustion from the weight of life without him and lose connection completely....................
i have a wonderful husband who loves what he does and values what he does, and i truly value what he does, unfortunately i like what i do (most days!) and trying to better my situation and follow my calling is in a different direction, i can support his vision for his calling and with more time hopefully i will be able to do more, fifth quarters and revolve tour are a start, but unfortunately i cant fully support him like a housewife would do (although i would love to be his partner in ministry), but i have my own goals and calling much different than his and not the time to do everything i would like to do in the ministry...................most people dont understand, but one thing i always loved about him is that he allowed me to be who i am and i let him be him, though it takes us in different directions alot of the time, which makes things difficult.........
so anyway, my fear shows its ugly head, an overwhelming feeling starts to take over when i think of what is possible..............With jimi doing what he does, and not having very much time to spare, a house that cannot take care of itself, my daughter that is my sole responsibility when i am at home, and a more than full time job............can i go on and pursue more schooling..............it seems like a perfect opportunity ..............but i dont think it is possible with the lifestyle we lead at this point.............without giving up something or getting more help and support ..................
for example just today i was stressing because, well there was a huge windstorm, but livi and i were hanging out and i wanted to hang out with her as much as possible considering i didnt see her for the last 24 hours, jimi was wiped out so he slept most of the day after speaking at church and having a lunch for the youthers afterwards, after i put her to bed tonight (which is the only time i get to get anything done or just breathe), jimi went back to bed, and i had to straighten up the house, find something to eat, being that i havent been to the grocery store in quite a while, work on my plans for this week which can take a little while to organize, do my homework for class tomorrow night, oh and find something to where, take for lunch and shower........................and did i mention sleep............i feel like i never stop and i am spiraling in craziness!!!!!!!
Can i do this ? Oh how i miss the days of irresponsibility! i know anything is possible but i feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders.....................and i thought i could handle this! i need someone to hold me up when i feel like falling down. I need help.............i cant do all this on my own.....................i try .......and i guess i'm supposed to be able to, which makes me feel somewhat like a failure.............but i dont know if i can do this...................i just dont know...........

but being on this rollercoaster called life, you know that eventually i will get my strength back and regain focus for a moment and glean all i can from that moment and chug along because deep down i am a stubborn nonquitter................

JUST IN>>> lucky me, there is a light at the end of the tunnel (but there is no light at school), so i have an unexpected day off tomorrow due to the storms power outages..............

Blast from the past.....

2008-09-11T21:51:00.000-04:00

Freedom
my heart desires to be set free
free from every wall they've placed
free from every hurt they've caused
free from being so straight laced

Free to be personal
free to be real
free to live outside the box
box-life has such limited appeal

Free to relish in love
and not to draw out wrongs
free to take life as it comes
and share the journey as i walk along

Free to be satisfied
free to be fed
free to question and even doubt
and wrestle with inquiries swirling in my head

Free to share my life
Free to write it down
Free to live without conditions
and rules that run me into the ground

Free to think for myself
to learn and love and live
Free to know Him deeply
Freedom that comes from Him
AND then all of me I will give.............

HA!

2008-09-10T20:28:00.002-04:00

Yes, yes, i admit I watched the new 90210! ..................and liked it.............dont make fun!

My Mask

2008-09-08T21:36:00.002-04:00

Yesterday, the pastor read from a book for the sermon, kept my attention, surprisingly.................long story short, it was a vision of a man who was in the midst of a crisis of faith, in the vision he had a mask, a mask that he created to be accepted and loved and to go on through this divine journey he had to take steps to get examine himself and the mask and eventually rid himself of the mask and everything the mask stood for and stood between him and god....................His mask was fear and acceptance and being what everyone else wanted........................My mask: there is some fear mixed with lack of trust.................and the biggest thing my mask does for me is keep everyone at a distance, not because i am being fake or what anyone wants but because i just dont open up about my true feelings...............i assume no one cares and i dont trust that anything good will come of anything so i keep to myself not able to be fake or put on someone i am not.......................so how do i rid myself of my mask? I havent got that far.............

Warning: the blog is everywhere.....i cannot be held completely responsible for the contents since its after 9:00

2008-08-27T21:09:00.003-04:00

Do you ever just think about the way you felt at a certain time in your life and want to feel that way and stay in that place for a while? I have been reminiscing lately about different great times in my life...............the way it felt to be away at college (oh how i loved college, and it wasnt for the education!), how it felt on vacation, the day i got married, or the first time livi slept through the night,or really the first time she got up to eat at 3:00 in the morning and went right back to sleep(because that's just as good to me), it was the "I'm going to stay up from 2:00am to 5:00 am that nearly did me in, early high school memories, spending time with friends, pool days, girls nights, conversations, and in those moments i remember BEING, not much else mattered, and i was happy. And today i reminisce and think that i hope i feel the same way about these days that i felt about all those great memories. And i try each day to BE in each minute, hour and second............though i get to be a vegetable around this time of night...................but i have realized that being busy keeps my head more in check, not overwhelmingly busy, but busy, i am not as lazy and i feel more focused...............so here is to BEING in each moment and making memories that you will want to remember................

I feel motivated, i am genuinely starting to love and get to know my 26 children, as crazy as it has been, it is definitely not the worst. I finally feel like i have something to offer and i am becoming an expert in my field of sorts and then i am going to go changing up !! But i guess if you stay the same there is no opportunity for growth, so i am trying to look at it this way, though it will be tough to leave behind all i know and love about what i do now..............I enjoy going to work most days, but have been a little worn out and somedays i feel like i am not giving olivia my best energy because i am zapped and we play, but my patience is shorter and my body tired, i am really trying to balance it all, i want to give her my best, and i also want to give my work my best, because this is what i have been called to do ( i know that), can i do it all?? that is the question???but being supermom, superteacher, superstudent, super wife( though my husband would probably disagree) and ruler of the household chores is exhausting and i feel like i am missing something because people do it all the time........................so share your secrets!!!!

Ok......i feel like the little engine that could........i think i can !!! If you see me crashing please help me remember that i can do this with or without super powers! But i may need you as my back bone to help me stand some days.............

I had a vision the other day, we were talking about running the race in church, and for a moment i was engaged, (crazy as that may sound), and i just bluntly told god that i am not even on the track, i went on to let him know ( like he doesnt) that i dont even see the track, he went on to show me the track, oddly enough it looked like one of those google earth, virtual tour type things you would see on a computer, instead it was in my head.........................but anyway, i saw the track then as it the perspective zoomed out i saw beyond: the rivers, caverns, mountains, fire ............and a great big wall that didnt seem to end..........................all of this between me and the track.................and i said ( to myself of course because if i talk out loud people tend to think i am crazy, rightfully so) " I cant do that, cant get there, dont even know where to start" but god said " but katie, you put it there." REALLY, no, that is all MY doing, and i feel pretty confident that since i put it there he is not going to take it away.....................i did admit to being scared and not believing i could do this alone, he said i didnt have to, but if you know me.......................i am not quite sure i believe him.................judge me if you wish................but i will openly admit that i dont trust this god i thought i knew.................................that i no longer know......................so could it be true................what do i do? did i put this stuff in my way? Can i even make it to the track? Or the real question, do i want to ?

principals.........

2008-08-19T20:48:00.003-04:00

WE all have principles, but my my principal pulled a prank today that made me question his principles.................today we had our first fire drill, we had no time to practice so i just explained what would happen to these clueless little people........the bell rang and of course we start out, i'm trying to keep a hold on my long long long line amidst the chaos................we all get to the fence and line up as i am trying to check other lines for strays, the principal comes to check up and asks how they did and if everyone is here, so i count heads and i only count 25, which is right because i have one absent, no wait, she came in late, i should have 26, let me count again, maybe i miscounted.........counted again, no only 25, wait i think i may be missing someone, where could they be, i have no idea who would be missing I HAVE 26 KINDERGARTNERS! Then my principal says, You passed the test, ha! Glad you noticed! He hid one of my kids behind the door of the building! Every teacher out there gave him an evil look and was horrified that he would do that to a kindergartner on the first fire drill and a teacher with 26 KINDERGARTNERS! My response....................REALLY?!!!! ARE YOU SERIOUS!!!!! IF YOU ARE GOING TO TAKE ONE NOW YOU HAVE TO KEEP HIM!!! Which is a joke because he would never get his hands dirty with us down in little people land in kindergarten......... UGH! Frustration........my frustrations goes beyond the joke as you probably have noticed, but i wont go into it, he is my boss! :)

Day 5 and flies

2008-08-19T20:36:00.002-04:00

Day 5 of school down and 26 children and counting..........no longer have any patience and i am already in survival mode...........i always wish i could teach another grade for the first month or two, but it really doesnt help to have 26 children in a small room all day and PMS.............
But now i am home trying not to think about tomorrow or the day i've just had, watching two flies buzz at the window for the last hour, livi was fascinated by them and tried to grab them several times, their just so tired she almost had them a couple of times..............so this brings me to this conclusion.............at least my life isnt that bad.........i'm not a fly trying to get out of a unopenable window ...............or am i ??? AAAHHHHHHH

I must be crazy........

2008-08-18T21:04:00.003-04:00

So if you havent heard, i may have lost my mind. Well maybe i'm losing my mind........either way, let me explain. So the good news..........after this semester i will have a masters degree from xavier and be free! maybe? Yes, you guessed it i am thinking about going back again, no i dont want to be a doctor, though i might as well be for all the years of school i have put in. So here is the story as it seems now....................my district has been thinking about piloting a public montessori program, of which i am on the committee that has been exploring this option considering my history and interest in the Montessori methodology, I took my masters at xavier to explore Montessori more but never pursued a credential because i had no use for it..................anyway, it looks like my district will be developing a montessori program in place and offered teachers with interest in the district an opportunity to pursue a Montessori credential to teach in the program............the classes would count towards a graduate degree and be offered at a discount through xavier.................my response: YOUR ABOUT TWO YEARS TOO LATE!!! Some of you may know, or may not know that i am a little disillusioned with my current position...........i am teaching children, but am required to teach in a manner that is against my teaching philosophy and it eats away at me, it gets worse every year as i get more aggravated each year...................and i semi-tried to get a position at norwood to try to help my situation, but this could be the perfect opportunity to explore a new option and teach in a different way, believing in the Montessori philosophy of education, i might just rise up from the dust and disillusionment i currently find in education................so ..............what am i saying............i may be going back to school and jumping into a new position next august if things fall into place, and by "fall into place" i mean if i get some kind of financial assistance from someone, something, somewhere............a higher up from the district in charge of leading this transition made me believe if i really wanted to do this and money was a major roadblock that she would work on helping me find the means to pursue this...............so that was hopeful but not guaranteed.............so the downfall, i will be jumping headfirst into a new program, certification and another degree of sorts, while still teaching full time and starting this new program in my own classroom with 0 experience next august. Going back to school in the evenings and changing careers per say, means more stress on my family and our "growing" family plans would be put on hold..................which i was looking forward to trying for another baby this spring and giving olivia a sibling, but if i am in the midst of all this i dont think that would be a good decision.........another thought is that this of course would be the workload ............anyway..............so you can see i am still working through this, it is something i really want to do, but am scared and i dont want to be a bad mom, does it make me a negligent mother to focus on my career too?? I get a guilty feeling sometimes, all i ever wanted to be was a mommy, now i am and i realize not only do i want to be a mommy, but there are other things i want also. Is that ok? or should i be focusing on ways to be able to stay home with my kids? If i dont take opportunity will i regret it? or should i just opt out and focus on my family and push through my job? So there it is............i hope i made it clear...........what do you think? AM i crazy?? The good thing? If i do decide to do this it opens up various and diverse opportunities to me, i will finish school completely around the time she is three and never have to go back because i will have reached the top rank and i will get a pay raise. OK..............what do you think..........i really want to know...................be honest...........and pray for my decision

2nd day of school

2008-08-14T21:37:00.002-04:00

I must be crazy! Considering a career change on the second day of school, but it is not what you might think. More on this when and if i get time!!

YUM!

2008-07-12T01:16:00.003-04:00