a little revelation..............

so i had a mini revelation this morning, nothing big, but encouraging none the less...................
i always find it amazing how carol talks to god (because its perfectly suited for her) and a little freakish :) (love you carol!)
but here i was sitting in church this morning, usually the last place i find him, on a sunday morning (of course thats all me)..........
we were participating in a prayer experience, led by our own initiative and a montage of videos, songs and verses including communion
i feel a little weird getting down and crazy with god and opening myself up to a true worship experience on a mild sunday morning, especially when most others (not everyone! :) ) are mild mannered and proper church folk..........
i applaud the leadership for doing something different, unfortunately i dont always think everyone is able to run with it..........and most of the time that is me...............but i'm open.........i sat and participated quietly, reading and singing, but ignoring my heart, well................it would be best to say i avoided my heart.................i was just being a good church goer and trying to focus my attention on what was going on.................
then all of the sudden it started...........
an impromptu conversation with God.....................
there is a secret burden and struggle that i carry and most days dont want to face god with it on my shoulders............i am stubborn and think i can take care of it (and should take care of it) on my own...................
all i remember is looking down at my jersey dress and stretching the hem with my fingers, forgetting anyone else was around me, i couldnt hold back the tears, i dont even remember how it began, but it was the most rational conversation with god i've ever had.............especially sitting in the middle of a room full of people...............
Get this people: i actually talked to god about my struggle............yeah i know what you are saying: duh katie!
I asked him why this was my struggle, why was i bearing this, i assured him i am alone in this,
His response: you are not alone, my response: i am alone, this is my struggle, no one elses, and i would be ashamed if anyone else knew, no one would understand, and He said, this is yours to share.................
and the conversation goes: I cant share............maybe when it is through, but not now, i am not ready to share.............
God: share it with me
Stubborn me: I can take this myself, it is not yours to bear, i will clean the mess i made
God: i love you, you know that i love you
Me: yes, i know that.................but i'm not sure i understand what that means............
God: this is what it means: I want to share your struggle, i want to bear it too, i want to carry it when it gets too heavy for you......................

In my head: i am thinking............well first.....i'm thinking i'm crazy............because my brain isnt thinking but its speaking, so either i am crazy and have two people in my head.........or this conversation is really happening! :)
And...........i am thinking.........that makes sense...........because no one would bear my struggle for me, no one would go through my pain, unless they loved me..............that is love..........right?
ok God, point taken.........
at this point i am a silent mess................just so surprised that god still loves me and will talk to me perfectly even though i sit in sin and struggle.....................
so i understand a little bit better now, when carol speaks of her conversations with god, and they perfectly fit her.............because today there is no reason to avoid a conversation with God because he spoke perfectly to me where i am and wasnt angry, i guess he knew i was angry enough for the both of us :)............................

i know it is small beans..............but it was huge to me...........he found me.........he found me..........
of course the conversation was a little bit longer, but i wont share it all...........
i assured him that i might screw up, he said he knew already and its ok.......as long as i am with him..........

ive never known that kind of love, the kind that loves through anything...........its pretty amazing to me that its even available to me ..............as hard as my head and my heart is!

cute livi-isms

HONEY.......
So olivia is sitting on the couch while i was scrubbing the stains on the carpet below her.................she kept saying"mommy, mommy, mommy...." so i finally said, "yes, honey." she looked at me a little perplexed and said," honey?" I looked up at her and said, "yes, its a nice name to call someone." so she kept calling me honey. she kept saying,"mommy, honey? mommy, honey." I couldnt help but laugh. Because she can identify honey by seeing the sticky stuff in pooh's honey pot, i cant imagine what was going through her head when i was calling her honey. She thought it was so funny that i would respond when she called me honey. :)

NO THANK YOU.......
so, i have been trying to get olivia to say thank you for a while. So after everything she gives me i say, "thank you!" So after everything i give her i tell her to say thank you mommy. Of course this hasnt worked yet. But the other day she started saying: your welcome. So everytime she hands me something and i say thank you, she says, " your welcome." very enthusiastically. But now everytime i get her juice or give her something and tell her to say thank you she just looks at me and smiles and says,"your welcome!"

STICKIES......
Olivia loves stickers. Jimi had stopped by the store this morning and bought her some dora and spongebob stickers. Two of her favorite cartoons. She was so excited she instantly pulled out a coloring book which she has designated for stickers only and pulled off each dora sticker on the sheet and put it on one page of the book. This evening she was working on the spongebob stickers and i flipped on the television and dora happened to be on. Well livi looks up with excitement she points to the tv and yells:DORA! which actually sounds like: Iya! she rushed to find the page in her "stickie book" with all the dora stickers and she yells at dora on the tv: "Iya (dora), I have your stickies!" as she showed dora on the television her dora stickers. She was so excited. :)

SOCIAL BUTTERFLY.......
livi is truly her own person. she loves people and other children, hardly ever shy. We went to sharon woods today and of course there were alot of other children there. The children that she was playing with were her size, yet they were not wearing diapers and most were speaking in full sentences. She tends to gravitate to older children mostly. But there were lots of little toys floating around and lots of children playing. But she was so excited to say hi to everyone, and when she picked up a toy, most times you could hear another little voice say, that's mine! usually that is olivia's line.............but she would return it to who it belonged to nicely. I was so impressed and surprised. She played and played and played.............and it blows my mind that she has absolutely no fear. she will approach anyone.

My little livi is growing up before my eyes and i am finding it hard to believe how fast it is going.........i have enjoyed being home with her this month, it makes me a little bit sad that i cant be home with her forever. :) She is the best thing that has ever happened to me!

Torn

i have been hated
and loved
questioned and trusted
i am dirty and spotless
i am brilliant
and mindless
i believe and
i doubt
i despise
and i love
i lust for wrong
bask in rightful glory
i fear
i run
i am driven and inspired
i am stuck in contentment
i cant believe where i have been
i dont know where i am going
there is a hole in my heart
i am filled to the brim
i am..........
walking
climbing
fighting
laying still
Torn

When i have nothing and everything to say..........

i have no idea what to write................ a little scared to share, i have alot on my mind, but nothing at the same time. in desperation for deep conversation i want to share the wonderful, ugly and horrible things in my head right here, but my honesty may be too brutal or embarrassing for some readers.
Anyway, i'm in desperate need of some girl time without livi by my side. I do love to be with her and tend to miss her and talk about her when i am not with her, but i need some time to have a conversation with my heart and mind and not be interrupted by squealing or climbing or running about. She tends to distract from deep thought or conversation naturally. And there is not much time that i am without her.
I sat with a young lady the other day in turmoil over a boy. We chatted and she said that i give the best advice. My thoughts: really? Well it's only because i've done or seen or dealt with most of it. From that conversation i started thinking about my story. Reflecting on my life up until now. And I feel almost compelled to dive deep into my story and share, share everything, from the beginning, not just in parts but a whole. And as i thought that, i also felt intimidated that i might find out some things or remember some things that i have pushed aside, but inadvertently affect my living now. Why would i think that? Plus sharing my whole story would be a book, maybe one day i will write the first chapter...............
Well, i havent yet finished or made a dent in my to do list for the summer. The days seems to fly by! I have been working hard, but have little to show for it. i have been working in livi's room, but her room is now finished! yay! But working in one room is not enough, i have been going through closets and storage and getting rid of things. I mean really.............how many sheet sets does one really need! I had like 12! is that really necessary!? where did they all come from? and they were all hiding in a closet, so i know i probably never used half of them. They are off to goodwill tomorrow! if you didnt know, my husband has alot of clothes, but he goes through clothes so fast. he may wear something twice and then grow out of it. He is particular about the fit of his clothes and tends to fluctuate in weight, so he just buys new clothes. So many of his things are going too.
i have been avoiding the whole spirituality to do list. i have yet to pick up my book and read and i have yet to listen. in fact i dont even pay attention. I have a list of excuses, but mostly its this sin i hide, i rationalize alot, but it builds a wall thicker and thicker.
I realized the other day, as i found some letters i have kept since college, that i no longer recognize myself. I have this anger and resentment inside. I have this distrust and general synicism toward people that claim they are followers of jesus. and people in general. how awful! that is the opposite of me. I am no longer who i once was. i blame it on the church, seeing the inner workings, being burned, i dont know..........maybe, but does that mean i give up on people in general? how do you survive and not be syncial and numb??? most days i look around me and see struggle and depair............. Maybe i should just let go and move on. This is me now, take or leave it??? Maybe i should evaluate what needs to be dealt with or changed in my life and do it.................hhhhmmmmm.......but that would take too much thought. help!!!!!
aaahhhhhh life..................
meanwhile................i keep having strange dreams about the jonas brothers, ice skating and black bears.
i'm already thinking about breakfast and i'm just about to go to bed....
sweet dreams all..............

Things I love......

I love summer..........
I love that i have no schedule and no plans. I love that the weather is beautiful most days and we spend alot of time outside, even if it is just on the porch. i love the freedom i have in the summer. i love that life isnt so rushed or stressful. I love not waking up when it is dark to an alarm clock.I love staying up late and being able to wait up for my husband most nights just to say hello........... I love being finished with graduate school (although i love learning and going to school, so it may not be my last degree!) I love when my husband grills chicken, he is the master of grilled chicken and doesnt even need marinade. Yuuummmm.......
I love spending time with my daughter...........
With being home this week, we have had so much fun. She has been better behaved, I think because we arent rushing and trying to get here or there and i'm not stressed and have more patience with her. It has been so nice to sit and play with her or just sit and watch her play. She is so great! I love to watch her play with her doll house, her babies and she cooks for me in her kitchen. She loves to be outside and gets so frustrated when we have to come in. I usually have to drag her kicking and screaming, which means i literally have to pick her up while she is screaming madly. Its a little bit funny, because it is what i do when i get frustrated, which is scream and grunt madly. She gets this teeth gritting look on her face and lets out a yell. I cant help but giggle. I know other people probably think i'm mean and or stealing her or something. I love that i can look for activities we can do together, like toddler time at the library! I love that her most recent words are: Help, please! i love that she is saying new words each day..................i love that she cuddles when she watches tv...................
I love spending more time with my family....................
Today we went to lunch and went to the Newport Aquarium ( which i have never paid to go, but man it is expensive!!!) But we were worried that livi would run, but she was soooo good about holding hands and staying with us.............i loved to see her excitement, she wanted to look at every exhibit and she was sooooo thrilled, which makes all of that money worth it.
i love that all three of us got to spend time together!
I love that my refrigerator is full of food...................
I hate going grocery shopping when i have no time to think or cook.................... and jimi refuses to go unless it is to stop and pick up a couple of things he can fit in his hands. so i finally got out to superwalmart ( i heart superwalmart) and went shopping! I filled the cart with food! and it feels good to be able to cook and have some choices in what to eat, not having to scronge around and put together random meals with only ingredients that i can find. i feel better about what i am eating and confident that we will have a variety of things to eat every day! The only thing is, when you cook three meals a day, there are alot of dishes to do! But it also makes me wonder what jimi and livi ate before, there was never this many dishes!???? :)
I love that my house is clean............
Now my house is not spic and span but the toys get cleaned up, my floor gets swept everyday (most days two times a day), the dishes slowing get done, the clothes get put away, etc. When i am in school, i only have time to clean on the weekends, and with olivia and jimi being here all day, its always a mess..............life is less chaotic when my house feels semi organized.......
I love so you think you can dance..............
I love to watch and study the choreography, i love to watch the dancers, i love to hear their stories and secretly hope that one of my children will be interested in dancing.................although i promise i will not be one of those parents that push their dreams on their children............ :)
I love that i can take long walks every day...............and i love that livi loves them too................
I love the feeling of: what should we do next? or what should we do today?
I love summer...............

It's a boy!

I cant believe its a boy. It came as no surprise, everyone kept telling me it was a boy. But it still is very surreal. I just assumed i would have all girls. My husband said we were going to have all girls when we got married, i just assumed he was right, but he said this week he thought it was a boy. I have no idea what to do with a boy, but it will be fun to find out! For some reason, my main concern with a boy is i do not want to baby him. I want my son to grow up to be a self sufficient man ( oh my gosh, I am going to raise a man!). How do i raise a good man!?! I feel like i can teach livi to be a self sufficient independent head strong woman ( she is already half way there) because that is what i know, but will i be able to teach my son how to be a good man! Oh my goodness! I think i am having a panic attack, I'm going to raise a man! Oh and i hope livi and my little boy will be close. I fear creating animosity between them. I guess most of my fears stem with what i see with my brother. I probably need to let go of what i know and just live and love my children. Oh my gosh, i'm going to have childREN!!! i'm feeling a little joyous and overwhelmed!
I just need to relax. It was a crazy day with livi. This morning she got up at 6:30. Jimi decided to go out to eat late last night and got sick all morning. So i was on my own and had to get her and i ready and finish up some things at school WITH my little buddy livi. Then get to the doctor in time with my little buddy livi. This morning livi was a terror. She is not a terror everyday, but today everytime i turned my head she was into something, doing something she knows she is not supposed to be doing. When i said no, she continued to push the limits with a smile on her face. We had to hurt her feelings to get her to listen. And about noon today, I thought: what am i thinking, I'm going to have another one! But seeing that little baby boy up there on the tv and his little heart beating and seeing and feeling him move around, made me fall in love all over again and remind me of the joy of having little ones, despite the trying times.
Now I need to go and buy some little boy clothes, and yes i thinking about painting the nursery! Luckily all the bedding i picked for livi when she was born is gender neutral and we did her room in primary colors. I think i just want to change the yellow to a light blue that matches the blue in the bedding. So i probably need to add that to my summer to do list! Oh and a name! I have no idea what this baby will be named! I'm hoping it just comes to me!
Well, i think i am going out back to make me a smore! there are young people standing around a fire in my backyard making smores and laughing it up, i think i may go eat a smore and get some z'ssss!
:)

one down, one more to go!

One more day until : My first free summer ever! Yay!

My summer goals: (stated positively)

*Prepare livi's new room for her and the baby's new room for him/her
*Repair leak in kitchen ceiling, bathtub, etc. (i may need to call a handyman for help if anyone knows of any good ones i could hire)
*organize/clean third floor
*spend time with livi
*spend time with jimi
*spend time with my family
*plan a lunch or dinner date once a week to catch up with friends (this includes you my friend if you are reading! Let's get together and eat!)
*visit carrie, andy and lauren
*have at least one more girls night out
*reorganize my school binders for next year
*stay cool!!!! (like temperature wise)
* exercise at least 5 times a week
*swim in the bond pool
*make a (at least weekly) date for the prayer room
*read a book ( i have a couple in mind)
*enjoy a festival of some sort
* take a long drive in the country and have a picnic
*go to a beach ( i dont care if its the ocean or a lake beach at this point, I miss the sand between my toes and the waves splashing.)
*make a new friend.
*be more accomadating to my husband
*get involved with some kind of group that will pray for and with me, share, encourage and keep my accountable.
* pray and listen.


That last one may be the most difficult.
Wow that looks like alot. I guess there is no such thing as a lazy summer.