voices....

so i had time to sit and pray this morning, sit in a quiet dark place and listen to some soft music and pray..........just to be still............and it was just a few minutes.............but i was totally relaxed and being very honest...............and you know what i heard...............voices, lots of them, and my mind couldnt stop thinking, it went in all different directions, each important but difficult to reign in and focus on what's truly important........................is it possible that i have not taken a time out in so long that i no longer have that ability to be still................by being so crazy busy and constantly on the go and on the edge of my seat have i trained my mind to never sit still.......................is this why i am so crazy all the time, all these voices, yet they all sound like mine??????? I think i have ADD...............What's real God..........help me find it............but can we start tomorrow? I'm exhausted :).................

April 4th

April 4th is an important date. no it is not the beginning of my spring break, but it is the date i am supposed to take my big comp test to finally obtain my graduate degree. It is also the date i was supposed to present my year long project at a share fair conference in lexington. Both start early, both last a majority of the day, hmmmm, cant be at both places at one time. Luckily, my professors for the project have been super flexible and understand that i cannot reschedule my test and i think they are letting me free even though i still must have my action plan and paper ready by that date. well it just so happened that our old computer that housed my info and action plan crashed and apparently nothing on the hard drive could be salvaged or pulled off, so i was left to start again. My own stupid fault for not saving it anywhere else! Anyway, i happened to pull out my study guide they gave me for my comp test, which might i mention, is over the first four classes i took, 3-4 years ago! Needless to say it read like a foreign language to me and i had to go back and research every question so that i can answer it, because apparently it is a writing test, no multiple choice....................ugh! So no guessing, i must know it! So i took a personal day on friday and got a babysitter for livi and studied all day. Saturday i studied some more, and today i wrote a paper, an action plan and lesson plans for the week! I'm officially worn out, i'm done done done! And my spring break is two more weeks away! i'm a little frazzled and stressed but i've begun to get used to feeling that way..............does it ever end?
I think i can ......i think i can.....i think i can.......

My girl.....

We should probably count how many times i used the word poop in that last blog. It might be some kind of blog record! :)HEHE

Potty mouth....

If you are grossed out easily you may not want to read this........(M, i was thinking of you when i decided to write about this..:)
If you are my friend long enough you probably know that i have poopy problems, I have become very open about these problems because they seem not to go away and in order to deal with them i must speak openly about them. Its not a big deal usually, but when you are with child you are not allowed to take many medications, which means the one thing that i take to make life flow easier i am no longer allowed to take for nine months. This is excrutiating! So I must go nine months with the worst poopy problems and already feeling like a tired slacker it just makes things worse when you cant go to the bathroom. So tonight my stomach finally had enough, it started cramping and making awful noises, it was so painful i couldnt stand up straight. I was shaking and sweating and getting light headed and i literally thought i was going to pass out...............pain worse than contractions! Meanwhile i was trying to get olivia in and out of the bath and get her ready for bed, cut her nails and put her pajamas on. Well, she decided that since mommy was going potty she wanted to go potty too.............so after i got her out the tub and dried her off, i let her sit on her potty, she proceeded to play on the potty, then she put her baby on the potty, then she brushed its hair, then she decided since i was indisposed she would run to the other room naked and hide. She eventually came back in the bathroom and walked toward me, i saw her little legs clench and i said,"LIVI SIT ON THE POTTY!" She didnt quite make it and pooped all over the floor. I dont even think she knew what hit her, it really happened fast. She then looked at it and started to cry. She cried, "Yucky, Yucky" and i had to try to console her and get her away from it while i was still on the potty! I finally was able to get up and get her cleaned up and jammies on, then my stomach started hurting again, excrutiating! I doubled over and livi didnt know what to think, she gave me a hug and i put her in bed with some books to read and headed back to the bathroom where i had been 3 times already. I was sitting there just staring at livi's pile of poop on the floor, thinking about how upset she was that she abruptly pooped on the floor. This time i thought i was going to throw up and pass out or just plain die. the only thing i kept thinking was i am going to pass out and fall in livi's poop on the floor and when someone finds us, i'll be laying in livi's poop and she will be running all around tearing everything apart upstairs( she can now get out of her bed, and does frequently)! Thankfully i didnt pass out, but by the time i got back to livi, she was out of her bed and had pulled out all of her books and spread them all over the floor, but i guess i should be thankful, at least she did spread her poop out all over the floor. i finally got her to bed after shooing her away from the bathroom and her poop on the floor several times and bleached the bathroom, washing all the poop from everything. And after six trips to the restroom in 2 hours i feel quite empty and much better :)! I was going to work on some homework/project i have tonight, but i just dont have it in me! Literally! All in all it felt like hell at the time, but its pretty funny looking back on all the poopiness that happened!

Dear Lord........help!

These past two weeks or so, have been a whirlwind. Before reset began, i must admit, my mindset was different. Maybe it was the fasting, maybe i wasnt as busy, i dont know, but i was refreshed and feeling like i could take on the world. Well, then the world decided to sit on my shoulders.....................
I feel overwhelmed, like i have a whole bunch of junk flying around inside my head and i cant seem to catch any of it to get a handle on things to evaluate what can go or what can stay................

This has been our schedule the past couple of weeks:
Monday - Friday: Katie Work 7:00-4:00ish
Monday night: jimi work at store
Tuesday night: jimi work at store, accountibility meeting with older boys
Wednesday night: quick family dinner:), boys reset with jimi
Thursday night: girls dinner and reset with me
Fridays and saturdays: there is almost always something going on at church or with youth
Sundays: church, sunday night: planning meetings for youth events
And then it starts all over again............
oh and i forgot to mention that grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, lesson plans, and jimis amazon work must get done somewhere in there, so when he isnt doing something outside of the house, he is working on the computer..............

Let me just say that i am super grateful that my daughter gets to spend valuable time with my husband each day and he is home with her, although most days i am jealous and miss her terribly.................. :)
But this busy schedule has got me spinning, we are on opposite planes, yet he says he feels more connected to me and God and life is great for us, which i say maybe for him! ( I told him the reason he feels more connected to me, because i am more involved and supportive in his ministry than i was, but news flash: that doesnt make me feel more connected to him! :) Dont get me wrong, i love being involved, but i need my husband to myself sometimes to feel connected to him:) i need to be a family sometimes: he is a terrific dad and i love playing with him and olivia together. I already gave him up the first two years of my marriage to his ministry. But we wont go there, because that is neither here nor there, now i am just venting. i dont want to make this about him, because its me that is a crazy mess!

i wake up a mess trying to figure out what to do next, i'm constantly running behind ( oh how i hate that feeling) and i want to give more of my energy to my daughter, but energy is difficult to come by these days.....................

i have had some major life choices and decisions laying on my plate for a little while and i dont even have the energy to pick up the fork and chew on them, each day is filled with stuff and i dont have time to think outside of what comes in the next hour........

on the bright side, while livi was napping saturday, i read a couple of chapters in my book and painted my toes............so i guess i cant complain too much

I feel like life is passing me by and i am barely holding on, help me look outside myself!

Dear lord, help me remember to breathe today! :) HELP!