conversation

I generally enjoy conversation, but i have noticed that if there is no chance of it going any deeper or really getting honest, instead of the polite how are ya, i am disinterested. Am i just rude or does everyone feel that way. Now i can have complete conversations about nothing, or joke around for hours, but i am unable to do that with just anyone. I am able to open up and spill the beans and get to a deeper place in an instant in a conversation with some, but others it is just niceties (is that a word?) and there is no chance of it going any further. I wonder why that is? Is it a defensiveness, is it chemistry, is it trust? OR am i just crazy? Anyway, I say all this to say i have been waiting for a couple of weeks to have a conversation with my husband that involves more than two sentences. Its been a little busy around the bird house (haha) and we have been just missing each other. we pass each other in the doorway basically and many others need him in conversation more than i do. and i have been boiling over with stress and thoughts. I have been exhausted and confused. And tonight he snuck out of the lock in for an hour so we could go grab some dessert and have a conversation (shhhh) Isnt that sweet! Anyway, i finally get my thoughts out and the stress of mulling over it in my head and you know what he says................as much as you talked to me about this, you probably should talk to God about it. You know that is the last thing i wanted to hear and i hate when he turns all pastor on me, but i have to begrudgingly admit that he is probably right. UGH! Did i just say that!? The funny thing is that all through the conversation i kept saying, " i just dont know who to talk to or where to start?" UUHHHH DDUUUHHH...................I also remember saying, i just need someone to sit down and listen to the whole story so i can explain it and trust that its possible...........................
now you may not know what the conversation was about, but everyone can see the irony in all this right?!
Then i went to back to the lock in for a few minutes and sarah w. was going to share her story, so i decided to stay a little bit longer, and i have to say wow, it took me until i was 22 years old to share my story with a sanctuary full of teens and she did as a teen. and i still get crazy nervous speaking in front of anyone over 6 years old. anyway, i was super impressed and it was really cute because she even wrote little notes to refer to to keep her on track. Anyway, she said something that just shot through me. I love that she even said it. She said, Be aware! God uses even the littlest of things, but you have to be aware to notice them, be aware! Another DUH! I love how she told her story because she told about the struggles and trials, but only focused on how grateful she was that God brought her from them and spoke to her through them and that HE made it evident to her that HE hears her.................and listens.........
So is it screaming to you yet? Do you think HE might want me to talk to him, do you think he is going to listen, that he hears, and he is ready to lead as long as i am aware?
So my motto tonight: "Say what you need to say"
Whether it be you saying what you need to say to God, or you saying what you need to say to someone else, or God saying what he needs to say to me, or you,
Just .............."Say what you need to say"
Life is too short not to have conversation...........................

Happiness is......

So i saw this on a billboard today:
"Happiness is an organized closet" It was an advertisement for the container store. Which i love.........i've been there once and never knew i needed so much organizational stuff until i stepped into the store.
Anyway,
I totally agree, how wonderful, unfortunately i dont have that luxury,being i have very small closets in my very old house.
But, it got me thinking,
someone once explained to me that happiness was outside, but joy was inside. (I know they said it more eloquently than that, but you know, that sums it up)
Anyway, so in my head i started this process:
Happiness is an organized closet, but joy is being loved.
Happiness is a clean house, but joy is loving like you've never loved before.
Happiness is a quiet, uneventful evening, but joy is my daughters laughter.
Happiness is a good dinner, but joy is teaching someone skills they will use a lifetime.
Happiness is a good movie, but joy is feeling a baby kick inside your belly.
Happiness is a routine day ,but joy is a surprise visit by your best friend.
Happiness is a night out, but joy is connecting with a lover.
Happiness is a spring day, but joy is spending a day with my family.


Your turn................

Happiness is..................

Have you met a miracle today?

So in light of some new circumstances, i have stopped fasting. Though i never understood fasting or the logic behind it. Every other time i have fasted i have come out of it like: why did i do that again? well i decided to participate in this fast because i would be partnering with my husband and to me, as independent as i am, that is important. anything we can do together is great. so the past two weeks have been interesting. Weird things have started happening. I have started having these very vivid weird dreams, alot about school, administrators, and vacations. But in each one i am trying to make someone see my point of view or figure out why someone is doing what they are doing. it's odd and frustrating, because even in my dreams i feel like no one is listening and i am not able to change anything.......weird, right?!
Well these crazy dreams have led me to have weird feelings and pray for weird things ( yes i said pray), and all of a sudden its easy, and comes almost naturally again.
so, a miracle showed up at my door every night this week. We have a new neighbor and she is 10 and her name is miracle. miracle came to the door every night this week to borrow a phone to make phone calls or texts for her mom. she would have notes that she would need to read to the people she called. Every night. Last night she came around dinner time so we invited her in, i asked her if she had eaten and she said yes and made her calls, and left only to return 10 minutes later. she told me that her mom said to tell me that she didnt get her food stamps and she only ate a peanut butter sandwich today. So i made miracle some leftovers and she ate and spent the rest of the evening playing with livi. she then ran home and got a movie and asked if she could watch it, to which i replied no because it is olivia's bedtime. She told me her dvd player is broken, and again i told her it was getting late. while miracle was leaving i told her that if her mom couldnt make dinner tomorrow she was welcome to join us. Of course who showed up at my door again tonight, you guessed it, miracle. she came and asked when we were eating then went to play with friends a couple of houses down. she came back as we finished and wanted to eat. i made her a plate and she ate and i made a plate that she could take to her mom, she came back and played with livi the rest of the evening. As i was telling her it was getting late and about bedtime for livi, she told me she was having a valentine party tomorrow at school and needed snacks, but she didnt have any and asked if she could have some. I didnt have any snacks to give her so she asked to take a box of granola bars from my pantry so i let her. This little girl seems like a nice girl, but her story is kind of sketchy. Now i dont mind feeding the child or giving her a place to play, but i get a little aggravated or nervous when she asks for things. I dont know where it comes from, is her mom telling her to do this? is really hungry or worried about where her next meal will come from? are they just manipulating me? Teaching where i teach, you know the signs and you learn quickly when you are being played. I guess i'm just skeptical, but i cant get it out of my mind, is it because she makes me semi uncomfortable when she asks for things? i will offer her the moon and everything under it and i dont care at all, but when she asks for things it gets under my skin. weird i know. and i am perfectly aware that it is totally not her fault. maybe this is survival for her. i want to help her in any way i can, but i know there needs to be some boundaries, i'm just not sure where they are. the girl has spent hours at my house this week and i have never spoken with or met her mother. this is weird to me, but maybe that is just my set of norms talking. i just get that instinctive weird feeling about it. she does act very much at home here. pray for miracle and her family. i dont know. what do you think?

my tv keeps squealing!!!

anyway,

calling all moms: i am so confused. how can my child be a doll one day and the devil the next? olivia officially has a mind of her own, apparently she knows best and she has learned the word no. monday, we spent some time laying around and just playing together, she was all smiles, helpful and loving. just loving life. the next day she is breathing fire. everything is a fight! everything! fits of NO ensue..................what is going on? i am already exhausted from the day and my patience is thin, very thin and she wants to fight. but when i try to talk to her about it, she doesnt understand, and throws a bigger fit. is this normal? how do you combat this?

and i keep thinking something i am doing or not doing now, is going to harm her as a teen or adult. how do i raise a responsible child?

i have a better question, how do i keep my sanity?

other crazy things that happened this week:
a bed bug crawled up my pant leg at school
we killed two spiders and found out that we have rats. you could say we have a rodent problem at school.

(Singing) Ive got the power!!

So sunday i was all hopped up on coffee and my mind was thinking a million miles a minute, we talked about God's power. And over and over it was explained that we didnt truly believe in God's power, the same power that raised jesus from the dead is at our fingertips, not even at our fingertips, but inside our hands, feet and hearts. And if we really believed that Gods power was real and within us there is nothing we could not do with just faith the size of a mustard seed. And i kept thinking, i believe in that power.On this crazy journey, I have seen that power first hand..........i have seen it physically when the dead walked again, i have seen it as a small framed white woman made a huge footprint in the inner city, i have seen it through intercessory prayer and discernment of things i never would have known or seen without that power, i have seen demons (crazy as it may sound) i have felt the battles, i have seen miracles and mountains move, almost literally, it is so real, i have sat with my head on his lap and felt my hair being stroked.......................but at this point in my life, it is not the disbelief of the power of god or my faithlessness that i feel is the issue, its the fear. i'm scared of what may be behind that mountain if it moves. i'm terrified that my belief and faith will lead me to a place that i dont want to go, or that power may lead me to a place where i will fail miserably............................So i know that the power of God is more than i could ever imagine and why wouldnt i want to live in that power you ask? FEAR, that's it.

you might find this crazy, but i'm ok with this. i've been so many places emotionally and spiritually, ups and downs, bitter and angry, on top of the world and awful superspiritual, but now and here i am totally ok with my perspective and i'll tell you why....................because.............i am moving and thinking.................there is a lingering hope that wasnt there before, and it is well with my soul.

Whatever my lot, God has taught me to say, IT IS WELL WITH MY SOUL. Remind me to enjoy the journey.

slight vent........

So I went to school monday and first thing in the morning i get an email from the woman who was running the show on the montessori end for the district, the same person that told me in december that it wasnt going to happen because of our current economic status. So this email states that the committee is getting together and talk about the possibility of a partnership with another childrens organization to bring certified teachers and materials to one of our schools. What? Really? What is this? So in shock and frustration i sit. "Was I just dumped?" So essentially you dont need me, i put my neck on the line, stepped out and put my life on hold to do this, went to california, went back to school and now i am not even involved, didnt even know what was going on??? I think communication is an issue. I guess i now know how it feels to be going out for a promotion and they tell you your a shoe in and then pick someone else because it is more economical, but the way you find out is they are just sitting in your new office one day, (or they changed the locks on the doors-that's for all you friends that wont go away, you know what i am talking about :) so i asked if i could attend the meeting saturday, the "board retreat", where apparently they are going to discuss next steps. It will be the superintendent and the big wigs, but i want to show my face, so they dont forget about me. i just cant believe this, i just cant, i am so fed up with the way of public school. I am fed up with the politics and money and programs that i must teach that i dont agree with or not being able to help my students because it's not in the script, because everyone learns the same way apparently!!! that was sarcastic if you couldnt tell by my tone of typing! :) Last night i laid in bed and cried, i didnt want to get up and go to school today. My low kids are struggling in a reading program that isnt built for them, they have tried for 100 days and its not working, i want to offer them more opportunities and direct activities to mesh with their different learning styles, because they are hitting a wall with this reading program. It is boring, they have to sit and sound out words for an hour by looking at a presentation book, and that is the only way reading is addressed, no enjoyment, just phonics, no hands on materials, and the only way to reteach if they dont get it is to go back and do the same lessons the same way until they get it, which isnt working! I am trying to tell my superiors that something else needs to be done to address their difficulty, but they refuse to listen and want me to go back over and make some adjustments to my fingerlooping technique so the children will hold the sounds longer as they sound out the stupid words while sitting in chairs looking at a presentation book for an hour!!!!AAARRGGGHHH!!!! This is common sense right!?
On top of all of this going on, my children were awful yesterday, i wanted to beat my head against a wall, and most times i had to give in and just laugh at the completely weird and stupid stuff they were doing.................or else i might have just jumped out of the window...............but i'm sure my patience was a little tainted after all this............
Ok......i'm going to let it go................or it will consume me...............

On the up side of things, after i was done crying my eyes out in frustration last night, my husband ever so politely told me that i had to make the best of it, or else my kids would lose one of their only allies. I remember saying quickly in my head, God help, i cant do this. So i went into school this morning thinking that i needed to shape up my attitude and maybe it was me that was corrupt. so i tried to stay positive and my kids were golden, i praised the heck out of those little guys and we had many mini celebrations every time someone did a wonderful job or had a smart brain moment.................and midday, at lunch time, the only time i get to go to the bathroom, i was in the tiny little dark bathroom in the basement and i just quickly said, thank you god, you knew i couldnt be the same another day, i couldnt handle one more crazy, frustrating day, i couldnt have the same attitude and teach my children, and he said, and i think it was semi-sarcastic, i hear you, katie, i really do hear you and i listen, do you know that? and he asked, do you hear me and listen? and i plainly remember saying no. i'm a little afraid to listen, i've always been afraid to listen, what if he tells me something i cant handle, what if he asked me to do something i cant do, what if i fail, and then i just pigeon hole myself and assume i will fail and shut down again.

Do I want to hear you God? I think i do, but then again, my fear says no.................so bend my ear that i might listen without fear.................thanks for today god, i need you and you heard me. But to be quite frank, your still not back on my trust list (by just talking about all my fear, i know you already know that) , i think i need your help with that one too.

Well God, lets see what tomorrow brings, i'll meet you in the bathroom! ha! :)