a fighting spirit.......

So i was thinking the other day, how i'm tired of fighting, but i dont see it ending soon............
As a kid, i always fought for what i thought was right, standing up and asking questions when things didnt seem right or fair, i was always concerned when it came to things being fair between boys and girls for some reason..............especially when it came to church, it always seemed like it was decades behind and i was first to take notice................
the fight as a teen was to survive in the midst of some crazy family situations.............find a place i fit in and a place to be myself...............a fight to come out on top without being tainted by the craziness, to move on and remaining sane for everyone else's sake.......................i needed to be the stable rock and stand up to the abuse we were put through as kids...........i was definite on not letting the abuse i suffered as a kid ruin my life.................i fought for my sanity and most days stood up for myself, no matter what that meant in the long run....................
the only time i remember not having to fight is in college, maybe it has slipped my mind, but the only thing i remember about college is the fun, not the fight, i remember the search for my soul, what i believed, what i thought and what my dreams in life were and the constant affirmation that i was home..............i finally found a place where i belonged, a place and people that encouraged me to be me and saw the best in me...............
After college i fought for my career. I decided in college to lay my logic aside and to go where no one else wanted to be, despite many who discouraged me. They said it would be tough and i would see, not everyone is cut out for that kind of work. They were right, but i knew i wanted to be there, i knew exactly what district i wanted to work in which is why when i moved home i moved into the community of covington. It WAS where i wanted to be. It wasnt just the first job that came along, or what i had to settle for......................That first year of teaching was tough, the toughest year yet, i hated most of it, but God placed some people there to encourage along the way, it was a fight the whole year to keep my sanity..................to teach these children who were already tainted by the culture and society they lived in..................10 and 11 yr olds, already into things of a sexual nature, drugs, fighting (oh the fighting was terrible, parents would bring their children up to school to start a fight against other kids!!!! where i came from that was unheard of!) and taking care of younger siblings because no one else was home or cared.............they were moved around, put down and given up on for the most part. That year was a fight, but i fought and came out on top. I kept fighting year after year and i continue to fight for what is right for my children, not what is right at a political standpoint, for the school or for the district, or to please the higher ups or parents, but what is right for my children. It is a constant battle and we are the hardest workers, we have to take what we are given and raise them to high standards, despite the disadvantages they already face, they are accountable just the same as the kids who have every family and economic advantage. We fight for our kids to come out on top and to inspire them to be their best.
Even in my marriage, we had to fight to survive. Especially that first year. Some crazy things happened that i would have totally walked out on if i didnt have the will to fight for my marriage and not give up. We are better today for it and i believe in years to come we will be able to help others with what we have been through and continue to battle.
The fight seems to go on in every church i have been apart of, as a child i observed some injustices in the church, (what i thought were injustices) ie: i can remember going to mass and we wrote a petition to let girls be "alter boys", not that i even wanted to be one, i just didnt want to be told no because i was a girl. or at my dad's church questioning why only men were called on to pray, and they would always pray in these big lofty words that were difficult to understand. As an college student, i never really had a home church, there were times we went here or there and knew people from everywhere because it was a small town. Mostly our job at church was to serve, we were the ministry teams and traveled to different churches putting together services or events to serve their community and help their church. We had "church" on campus. We lived in community with each other, so it wasnt ever like i needed to go to a church building although we did go, it was ingrained in us, but it was the least of my spiritual experiences when i just went and attended a sunday service.
It seems when i came home and of course from all the ministry experiences i had in college it was only natural to jump into ministry somewhere. Which is where my husband comes in. I tried to jump in along side him, but again there was a fight. There was always a fight between what he felt was good for the teens and what the "others" thought was right and good and looked good for teens. What they thought and expected him to do was not what was healthy for anyone. It was a constant battle, too much to even explain.
After we parted ways, it was a fight to keep the spiritual light alive after being hurt. It is still a fight.....................
Now we are at grace, jimi has begun a youth ministry there................and starting anything from scratch is a fight! There is a fighting spirit in the people that have fought to see it survive. But others are just there. It is a fight for jimi, trying to reach out to these teenagers, mostly in crisis, trying to get them involved and excited and teach them the art of thinking beyond themselves. It is a long fight, a fight with alot of effort and hours and hours. (which mostly leaves me at home fighting with a two yr old :) I may not always be there fighting with him, but i'm trying to hold down the fort at home and taking on his battles here in spirit. I feel the fight. I see the fight in the eyes of the leaders. But i'm not sure their fight is enough to carry everyone else. This may sound weird or vague, but i'm not sure their fight SHOULD be enough to carry everyone else. It's not fair to make them fight and battle when everyone else gets to watch from the sidelines. Why does it always have to be a fight?



So all in all, there are so many days when i get tired of the fight. But i guess all this reminds me how God has built me. Maybe he built me for the fight. he even lets me fight with him! All the times i have had to fight to survive, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, has made me a warrior. And as they say, if it's not worth fighting for, it's not worth it. Almost everything in my life has worth because of the fight. So remind me of that when i get weary and want to give up the fight. i was built with a fighting spirit, so life............ dont get in my way!