When i have nothing and everything to say..........

i have no idea what to write................ a little scared to share, i have alot on my mind, but nothing at the same time. in desperation for deep conversation i want to share the wonderful, ugly and horrible things in my head right here, but my honesty may be too brutal or embarrassing for some readers.
Anyway, i'm in desperate need of some girl time without livi by my side. I do love to be with her and tend to miss her and talk about her when i am not with her, but i need some time to have a conversation with my heart and mind and not be interrupted by squealing or climbing or running about. She tends to distract from deep thought or conversation naturally. And there is not much time that i am without her.
I sat with a young lady the other day in turmoil over a boy. We chatted and she said that i give the best advice. My thoughts: really? Well it's only because i've done or seen or dealt with most of it. From that conversation i started thinking about my story. Reflecting on my life up until now. And I feel almost compelled to dive deep into my story and share, share everything, from the beginning, not just in parts but a whole. And as i thought that, i also felt intimidated that i might find out some things or remember some things that i have pushed aside, but inadvertently affect my living now. Why would i think that? Plus sharing my whole story would be a book, maybe one day i will write the first chapter...............
Well, i havent yet finished or made a dent in my to do list for the summer. The days seems to fly by! I have been working hard, but have little to show for it. i have been working in livi's room, but her room is now finished! yay! But working in one room is not enough, i have been going through closets and storage and getting rid of things. I mean really.............how many sheet sets does one really need! I had like 12! is that really necessary!? where did they all come from? and they were all hiding in a closet, so i know i probably never used half of them. They are off to goodwill tomorrow! if you didnt know, my husband has alot of clothes, but he goes through clothes so fast. he may wear something twice and then grow out of it. He is particular about the fit of his clothes and tends to fluctuate in weight, so he just buys new clothes. So many of his things are going too.
i have been avoiding the whole spirituality to do list. i have yet to pick up my book and read and i have yet to listen. in fact i dont even pay attention. I have a list of excuses, but mostly its this sin i hide, i rationalize alot, but it builds a wall thicker and thicker.
I realized the other day, as i found some letters i have kept since college, that i no longer recognize myself. I have this anger and resentment inside. I have this distrust and general synicism toward people that claim they are followers of jesus. and people in general. how awful! that is the opposite of me. I am no longer who i once was. i blame it on the church, seeing the inner workings, being burned, i dont know..........maybe, but does that mean i give up on people in general? how do you survive and not be syncial and numb??? most days i look around me and see struggle and depair............. Maybe i should just let go and move on. This is me now, take or leave it??? Maybe i should evaluate what needs to be dealt with or changed in my life and do it.................hhhhmmmmm.......but that would take too much thought. help!!!!!
aaahhhhhh life..................
meanwhile................i keep having strange dreams about the jonas brothers, ice skating and black bears.
i'm already thinking about breakfast and i'm just about to go to bed....
sweet dreams all..............