a little revelation..............

so i had a mini revelation this morning, nothing big, but encouraging none the less...................
i always find it amazing how carol talks to god (because its perfectly suited for her) and a little freakish :) (love you carol!)
but here i was sitting in church this morning, usually the last place i find him, on a sunday morning (of course thats all me)..........
we were participating in a prayer experience, led by our own initiative and a montage of videos, songs and verses including communion
i feel a little weird getting down and crazy with god and opening myself up to a true worship experience on a mild sunday morning, especially when most others (not everyone! :) ) are mild mannered and proper church folk..........
i applaud the leadership for doing something different, unfortunately i dont always think everyone is able to run with it..........and most of the time that is me...............but i'm open.........i sat and participated quietly, reading and singing, but ignoring my heart, well................it would be best to say i avoided my heart.................i was just being a good church goer and trying to focus my attention on what was going on.................
then all of the sudden it started...........
an impromptu conversation with God.....................
there is a secret burden and struggle that i carry and most days dont want to face god with it on my shoulders............i am stubborn and think i can take care of it (and should take care of it) on my own...................
all i remember is looking down at my jersey dress and stretching the hem with my fingers, forgetting anyone else was around me, i couldnt hold back the tears, i dont even remember how it began, but it was the most rational conversation with god i've ever had.............especially sitting in the middle of a room full of people...............
Get this people: i actually talked to god about my struggle............yeah i know what you are saying: duh katie!
I asked him why this was my struggle, why was i bearing this, i assured him i am alone in this,
His response: you are not alone, my response: i am alone, this is my struggle, no one elses, and i would be ashamed if anyone else knew, no one would understand, and He said, this is yours to share.................
and the conversation goes: I cant share............maybe when it is through, but not now, i am not ready to share.............
God: share it with me
Stubborn me: I can take this myself, it is not yours to bear, i will clean the mess i made
God: i love you, you know that i love you
Me: yes, i know that.................but i'm not sure i understand what that means............
God: this is what it means: I want to share your struggle, i want to bear it too, i want to carry it when it gets too heavy for you......................

In my head: i am thinking............well first.....i'm thinking i'm crazy............because my brain isnt thinking but its speaking, so either i am crazy and have two people in my head.........or this conversation is really happening! :)
And...........i am thinking.........that makes sense...........because no one would bear my struggle for me, no one would go through my pain, unless they loved me..............that is love..........right?
ok God, point taken.........
at this point i am a silent mess................just so surprised that god still loves me and will talk to me perfectly even though i sit in sin and struggle.....................
so i understand a little bit better now, when carol speaks of her conversations with god, and they perfectly fit her.............because today there is no reason to avoid a conversation with God because he spoke perfectly to me where i am and wasnt angry, i guess he knew i was angry enough for the both of us :)............................

i know it is small beans..............but it was huge to me...........he found me.........he found me..........
of course the conversation was a little bit longer, but i wont share it all...........
i assured him that i might screw up, he said he knew already and its ok.......as long as i am with him..........

ive never known that kind of love, the kind that loves through anything...........its pretty amazing to me that its even available to me ..............as hard as my head and my heart is!