slight vent........

So I went to school monday and first thing in the morning i get an email from the woman who was running the show on the montessori end for the district, the same person that told me in december that it wasnt going to happen because of our current economic status. So this email states that the committee is getting together and talk about the possibility of a partnership with another childrens organization to bring certified teachers and materials to one of our schools. What? Really? What is this? So in shock and frustration i sit. "Was I just dumped?" So essentially you dont need me, i put my neck on the line, stepped out and put my life on hold to do this, went to california, went back to school and now i am not even involved, didnt even know what was going on??? I think communication is an issue. I guess i now know how it feels to be going out for a promotion and they tell you your a shoe in and then pick someone else because it is more economical, but the way you find out is they are just sitting in your new office one day, (or they changed the locks on the doors-that's for all you friends that wont go away, you know what i am talking about :) so i asked if i could attend the meeting saturday, the "board retreat", where apparently they are going to discuss next steps. It will be the superintendent and the big wigs, but i want to show my face, so they dont forget about me. i just cant believe this, i just cant, i am so fed up with the way of public school. I am fed up with the politics and money and programs that i must teach that i dont agree with or not being able to help my students because it's not in the script, because everyone learns the same way apparently!!! that was sarcastic if you couldnt tell by my tone of typing! :) Last night i laid in bed and cried, i didnt want to get up and go to school today. My low kids are struggling in a reading program that isnt built for them, they have tried for 100 days and its not working, i want to offer them more opportunities and direct activities to mesh with their different learning styles, because they are hitting a wall with this reading program. It is boring, they have to sit and sound out words for an hour by looking at a presentation book, and that is the only way reading is addressed, no enjoyment, just phonics, no hands on materials, and the only way to reteach if they dont get it is to go back and do the same lessons the same way until they get it, which isnt working! I am trying to tell my superiors that something else needs to be done to address their difficulty, but they refuse to listen and want me to go back over and make some adjustments to my fingerlooping technique so the children will hold the sounds longer as they sound out the stupid words while sitting in chairs looking at a presentation book for an hour!!!!AAARRGGGHHH!!!! This is common sense right!?
On top of all of this going on, my children were awful yesterday, i wanted to beat my head against a wall, and most times i had to give in and just laugh at the completely weird and stupid stuff they were doing.................or else i might have just jumped out of the window...............but i'm sure my patience was a little tainted after all this............
Ok......i'm going to let it go................or it will consume me...............

On the up side of things, after i was done crying my eyes out in frustration last night, my husband ever so politely told me that i had to make the best of it, or else my kids would lose one of their only allies. I remember saying quickly in my head, God help, i cant do this. So i went into school this morning thinking that i needed to shape up my attitude and maybe it was me that was corrupt. so i tried to stay positive and my kids were golden, i praised the heck out of those little guys and we had many mini celebrations every time someone did a wonderful job or had a smart brain moment.................and midday, at lunch time, the only time i get to go to the bathroom, i was in the tiny little dark bathroom in the basement and i just quickly said, thank you god, you knew i couldnt be the same another day, i couldnt handle one more crazy, frustrating day, i couldnt have the same attitude and teach my children, and he said, and i think it was semi-sarcastic, i hear you, katie, i really do hear you and i listen, do you know that? and he asked, do you hear me and listen? and i plainly remember saying no. i'm a little afraid to listen, i've always been afraid to listen, what if he tells me something i cant handle, what if he asked me to do something i cant do, what if i fail, and then i just pigeon hole myself and assume i will fail and shut down again.

Do I want to hear you God? I think i do, but then again, my fear says no.................so bend my ear that i might listen without fear.................thanks for today god, i need you and you heard me. But to be quite frank, your still not back on my trust list (by just talking about all my fear, i know you already know that) , i think i need your help with that one too.

Well God, lets see what tomorrow brings, i'll meet you in the bathroom! ha! :)