it takes time.........

Through life i have been through alot of crap, since i was young the church and i didnt seem to get along, i have always loved the people in it, well most of them :), but i didnt necessarily agree with all the doctrine and decrees and ways of doing things. I met my very best friends at church (the friends that wont go away!) :) and i have met the people i have hated the most in that very same place (i know i am not supposed to say hate, especially about god's people, but they are the ones that have deeply hurt me) With all that said, i dont remember the last time i have been comfortable in a church. I remember trying to fit in at oak, but they were typical church people, though most masked themselves as accepting, loving followers. I remember trying to fit in at college, going from church to church, but never finding somewhere to call home. So i just joined the ministry teams and traveled church to church serving in various creative ministries living the good life that never got stale, i never had to sit in a pew. Since i was a teen i was always serving. As a teen i worked with the preschoolers, as a collegiate i worked with youth and various other creative ministries, it was when i got married that i started viewing ministry as a burden, or maybe it was just the church we were serving in that made it such a burden. That mindset has been tough to change, but i have set out on the long journey to a new perspective. It has been years since i have felt at home, within myself, within my home and within the church. My anger and bitterness exaggerated the negative aspects of the life of ministry and marriage and buried me in an even deeper hole. I say all of this to say, that i feel like i am finally somewhere where i can love, learn and grow. It has taken a great amount of time to get there and patience from everyone around me, which i thank you for, but i feel like my worldview is shifting just alittle bit. I think it may come from being not so stressed out with school and worry too! :) I have been able to enjoy my little family and reflect on what's important, i have been able to be a little bit more hands on in my husbands ministry along with balancing my own mission with being a reflection of God to my children at school and help those needy little hands know that anything is possible. I have to keep my mission center stage, which is so difficult with the demands of current public education and a new superintendent. Anyway, like i said in a few posts ago, FINALLY.

Finally i have found a place of loving patience, where they may want to shake me and say, "you need to get over it and get on with it girl!" but they dont, they let me gradually find my place. I dont know if i found my place there at church, but i know i am closer than i was, and i like it there, i like the people, they are not pretentious and they respect my husband. They do not demand his every minute(not like they have to, because they already have it) and trust his vision and with that came the fruit of that trust and vision combined. The kids!!!

I'm a little scared to even speak good words, for fear i might be eating them soon there after, but i'm going to risk it and say i'm finally in a good place, in a good church with a genuine heart. That is something i believe in, as the body, there must be heart, and it must have a strong beat to survive, not a lot of people, not alot of money, not the newest, nicest things, but a strong heart beat and i hear and feel it there, almost audibly. Each week i feel a little bit more, the numbness fades a little bit more and here i am starting to let my heart bleed on my sleeve and somehow it feels good.

i'm not sure if i am even doing it justice, but know, for all you old friends (the ones that wont go away) I will never be the same as i used to be, but i am not as bitter as i was, i am new. i am not sure what that means.
And for the youthers, i love you, you feel like home. Dont take that the wrong way, but you are my school kids in 10 years. My kids are you as 4 and 5 year olds. I wasnt built for church work, church kids, not my thing, so i am soooo excited that you are not church kids and you are who you are and i love you. I cant wait to spend more time with you and hopefully get to know you girlies a little more through the new reset small group. yes yes, i'm actually going to be back leading a small group, and i'm excited!

so for now i'll stop, for fear of ruining my reputation of being tough!
HA!